My Tale Stories

To My Dearest Boyfriend

2011-06-26T20:16:00.009+07:00

Sometimes I wonder, what if that day I wasn't bored?
What if that day I didn't feel fed up by studying?
What if that day I just went to sleep and didn't do anything further?
What if that day I didn't click that button?

And what if you didn't send me message?
What if you only saw me and go?
What if, what if and what if?

But that day I was bored.
That day I fed up with studying.
That day I did something further in stead of sleeping.
That day I clicked that button.

And you? You did send me a message.
You saw me and stay.
And I don't wanna have that more "what if" questions.

Coz I feel happy rite now.
I feel happy to have you as my boyfriend.
I feel happy for you have completed me.
That's all I want to say =)

~ I love you, aku sayang kamu, ik hou van je, Mijn Moppie =) ~

Back To The Real World

2010-04-15T16:26:00.003+07:00

So long Peter Pan Land ...

Now I'm back to reality, to my hometown.
It's gonna be harder from now on, but I try not to surrender and keep fighting.
Even I start to lose my self-confidence in a way.
But hope I could be on track soon.

I miss Peter Pan Land.
Miss all the atmosphere, miss the people, miss my friends, miss someone, and what I'm scared of, miss talking in Peter Pan's language.
I start to lose the words, and start to lose my grip.

I only hope, I don't loose myself ...............

A "One Click" Love

2010-01-24T17:28:00.009+07:00

Been a while since my last post.
Many things happened, yet don't have time to write anything.

I kinda have this thought about seeking love through internet a.k.a. via love dating site.
Is it possible?

As we know, internet has opened the door to the worldwide.
There's almost nothing impossible in seeking any informations through internet.
We felt like we're standing somewhere on the other side of the world through this internet thing. (BRAVO to the inventor of internet ^^)
Even now, you could find your love just in "one click".
It couldn't be working for everybody though, but it could be happened to anyone.

Well, I've been there and now being here.
I met someone through a dating site.
Just with one click, and kaboom, now we're always spending our time through the eye of webcam in this cyber world.
Is it real?
Logically, cyber world is definitely not real.
We feel like it's real, even hell, it's not.
But one thing for sure, I know and realize that my feeling is real.
I'm a real person, he's a real person, my feeling is real, his feeling is real (I hope), but we just haven't met each other in the real world, that's all.

Some of my friends finally got a happy marriage life through this way.
Even once again, as I said before, it couldn't be happened to everybody.
But there stands a possible word instead of impossible, rite?

I don't know what's gonna happened to me and him (whom now I called my boyfriend ... oww, please, babe...) in the future.
But it's kinda shocked me when he said, "I'm gonna be your real boyfriend if we meet each other for real someday."
So, now I doubt it all.
I doubt if I am real for him, if this relation is real, if anything between us is real!
What I feel inside is real.
I smiled when I'm happy, I dropped tears when I feel hurt, I got confuse when he's mad, I got angry when he treated me bad, etc., etc., etc. ...
It's not a game, it's not just a cyber, but it's real! At least for me ...

Couldn't blame anyone though.
We met in an un-real world.
He thinks logic, and I wish I could do the same.
I am real and have a real feeling, and I hope he feels it too somehow.

So, is everything real?
Will it possible, having your love through this way?
I started to doubt it all ...

What do you think?

Love is about heart or mind?

2009-09-23T12:17:00.007+07:00

Been a while since my last post ...
Really had no time to write due to my tests and stuffs >_<

-- Love is about heart or mind? --

As far as I observed, people get "crazy" and "loose their mind" when they fall in love.
Well, I've been there too, where I lost my logic and felt like there are many flowers bloom on the stars.

Since a few months ago, I have a crush. (haha... after a long while =D)
But this one is kinda different.
Why? Coz everytime I fall in love with someone, I just feel that I'm in love without knowing why.
But now, it all began with my logic.

He's really an ideal man.
Smart, good looking, has manner, you name it ...
Everything that a girl looking for, he almost has them all, I think.
First time I saw him, that thing was crossing my mind.
'Gonna be very lucky to have a boyfriend like him.'

Eventually, from that simple thought, I'm starting to feel love is in the air when he's around.

But my question now is, can you love somebody not just with your heart, but also with your mind?
I mean, everytime I fall in love I often loose my insanity and feel like my heart is pumping my heart through my brain until it blows out.
But in this case, I could make it even with my logic.
My heart is pumping alrite, but not 'till it blows my head off.
I could see the flowers blooming together with nice breeze when he's around.
I always enjoying his small attentions (well, maybe that attention's not just for me since 'he has manners' ) and enjoying giving him some attention as far as I could give.
I know my heart longing for him, but not even dare trying to search for him.
Not because I don't want to, coz I'm afraid if he leaves.

I mean like, I know so well that I really head over heals with him now, but my experiences taught me to use my logic before I loose my mind.
In other words, I don't wanna get hurt by loosing him in everyway.
But is it just alrite if you use 50% of your mind when you fall in love?
Can you say that it's love, or any other thing?

Hmm, still try to find an answer for that ....

~ Being in love: heart and logic, could they go on together, or you think only with your heart? ~

Spring Break a.k.a Haru Yasumi

2009-04-25T09:31:00.026+07:00

So, the Spring Break is over and start to get back to reality.
Study and study and study =(

Since I almost never speak the Peter Pan's language during holiday, I have to catch up many things this term ... Yaiks >_< I didn't have a chance to write on Spring Break (coz I was really enjoying my time on Haru Yasumi =P), I'll share a little bit of my Spring Break in this Peter Pan Land today =)

There was a festival around the famous shrines along the Higashiyama Street which I attended in the first week of my holiday.
The festival called Kyoto Higashiyama Hanatourou 2009. Hana means flower. So the festival is all about flowers and lite ups to welcoming the Spring ^^.

One of the shrine at sunset

At Nite Time ^^

One of flower creation

A kind of wood lantern ^^

Another flower creation

Lamp creation by one of art student

One of Sakura's creation

There's a lamp inside of each bamboo

Then I spent a day to Saga Arashiyama.
A friend came and he wanted to go to Arashiyama since he know about this Bamboo Grove from the movie, Memoirs of Geisha.
Well, coz I never know where this place is (I'm suckz with maps and directions =P), I asked Astroboy to be the tour guide (thanks a lot for your help =D)
It was so beautiful and the Cherry Blossoms started to bloom there.

The Garden of Tenryuu-ji

The Cherry Blossom

Us in front of the Bamboo Grove

The famous Bamboo Grove

Finally my dream came true, coz I landed my feet at the Universal Studio of Japan at Osaka with some friends ^^
It was soooooo fun !!!!!
Especially when we could have discount for the ticket (yay !!! ^^) and they have this Magical Starlight Parade at night =D

In front of the Universal Studio's globe ^^

The biggest Turkey leg I ever ate !!!

Spiderman Adventure !!!

One of my idol: Woody Woodpecker =D

In front of Snoopy pond ^^

Few days later, my best friend, Josefin, spent couple days at my place before she got back for real to Sweden =(
It was a blast !!!! ^^
Miss her again while I'm writing this =(

Having a relaxing time together =D

Kou-san came later after her part time job ^^

I went to Kobe for the 2nd time with my beloved Taiwanese best friends ^^
This time I had a chance to see Kobe at nite, and it was soooo beautiful !!!

Inside Kawasaki Museum

View from Kobe Tower ^^

In front of Kobe view at night ^^

Then I went with my apartment friend for 3 days to Hiroshima !!!!!
Hiroshima is surely a beautiful town if I may say.
Since I like old town, Hiroshima has everything !!!!
It still has trams to take you anywhere (and it was cheap !!!).
We went to Miyajima by ferry and after that we visited this Genbaku Dome, a place which got bombed on 6 August 1945.

Really want to get back to that town again someday =)

A statue at Bomb Monument

The building that got bombed in WW II at Genbaku Dome

At Miyajima, the symbol of Hiroshima City

The Chery Blossoms were starting to bloom in Kyoto !!!!!
Didn't want to loose the moment (Cherry Blossoms which known as Sakura only blooms once in a year, just for 1 week !!!!), I went several times to watch them (this called Hanami, which means watching and having a picnic under Sakura tree) with some of my friends.

In the middle of Sakura !!! =D

Cherry Blossoms !!!!

In the middle of Sakura trees =)

Playing water on a bright day at Kamogawa ^^

At the end of my holiday, I was invited by my lovely Taiwanese friends to have a little party since one of them having birthday and 2 of them just moved to a new apartment ^^.
Was soooo fun !!!!! (thank you Chin & Shin-san =D)

Nice that Chin-san loves his Totoro present ^^

It was Achang's birthday ^^

Well, that's what I could share for now.

Have to get back to reality soon. Homeworks and tests are waiting !!!!

YAIKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_<

Final's Over, Welcome Spring Break !!!

2009-03-09T10:34:00.022+07:00

So, final tests are over !!!!!
The results were okay, since I really didn't study hard due to sickness that made me had to lay on bed just 2 days before final tests began >_<

But on Grad Day I got an award for my 100 percent attendance and never been late for school =)

At the night, my class having "shabu-shabu" for a little farewell party coz some of my Swedish friends are going back for good to Sweden.

After "shabu-shabu" we decided to have karaoke time.

It was a blast and faboulous !!!!!! Sooooooooooooo fuuuuuunnnnnn !!!!!! =D

The next day, me, Josefin and some other Swedish guys went to Onsen at Kurama Mountain. Having a hot spring bath in the open air was very relieving after all stress and chaotic we had ^^ After that we went to eat this delicious Ramen.

And after say goodbye to everyone, Josefin took these silver tiny things out of her pocket and said, "Please take good care of it."
I was stunned with my jaws hanging =O
She handed over her "killing machine" to me !!!! (Thanks a lot, Jossan ^^)

Well, I'm kinda sensitive person in some circumstances, so I couldn't stop crying that nite =P
I ended up calling the Astroboy, and he helped me to practice.

I think I made a tiny progress, except for the method how to turn that machine =(

At the beginning of the week I wish that that week will end smoothly and happily, and it was !!! =D

I still have half year to struggle in this Peter Pan Land, but thanks a lot, Everyone, for the greatest memories we've shared ^^

Hope to see you all again someday !!!!!

February With Love

2009-02-21T22:10:00.014+07:00

And again, it's February, with Valentine in it.
As I've posted years ago, February never been my month.
I broke up with 2 of my ex boyfriends on February, and always had suckz val's day.

But this February is kinda special if I may say ^^

First week of February, me and Josefin take part in reading competition after we got selected to represent our class.
It surely made me very nervous.
Everybody who has to speak on stage in front of hundreds people will have this same fear, I suppose.
I tried my best to conquered my fear, faced the audience, and definitely tried not to forgot what I've been memorize for the past 2 weeks before the competition.
I also pray so that Josefine could find her voice back since she lost it just a week before the competition !!! And Thank GOD she got her voice back right on the day !!! ^^

What I've thinking only get on the stage, read fast, and get down quickly !!!
Frankly, when I got chosen, I almost told my teacher to find my replacement since it makes me trembling even more everytime I think about talking alone on a wide stage, in front of people who might be staring at and judge you (well, this is what I've thought though =P).
But there's something that blocked me. Seems like I have to face this fear.

And it surely shocked me when I heard them called my name to go on stage and receive the award.
Never even think about it even for a glimpse coz everybody spoke in much better way than me ! Thanks GOD and everybody who support me so I didn't back off =)

Few days before Valentine me and my friends made chocolates together.
One day before Valentine I got chocolates from my friends ^^
And on Valentine's eve, I went for clubbing with my Taiwanese friends, and we surely had a blast !!! =D

Lucky that there was no police along the way. Coz there was no train left on 3 a.m, and taxi is very expensive, my friend sent me home with his bike (and I sat behind as passenger, which is definitely breaking the Peter Pan Land's law =/) which took like almost 45 minutes to reach my place from the club and took his breath away I suppose. (Thanks a lot, Shin-san =D)

So this year's Valentine was definitelly not suckz as before.
Coz I have lovely friends around me =)

But I'm gonna get unpleasure closer of this month.
FINAL TEST IS COMING =(
Wish me luck on this one =D

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009

2009-01-16T20:51:00.006+07:00

Kinda late, but since it's still January, I want to wish everybody a HAPPY NEW YEAR ^^

Hope this year will be much, much better than before ;)

Anyway, new year's eve in this Peter Pan Land wasn't like in my hometown or anywhere else in this world.

There was no 'hanabi' (fireworks) & no trumpets =(

But I went to Yazaka Shrine, where most of people in this Peter Pan Land go every new year to spend their new year's eve and pray, with some friends. And I think that is all about.

Spent time with friends will always made a great memory ^^

And yet, few weeks later, I went to one of my friend's place and he teached me and some others to make this Taiwanese food.

What a great time !!!!!! =)

So once again, HAPPY NEW YEAR, Everyone !!!!!!!! ^^

Kobe

2009-01-12T17:43:00.008+07:00

The next trip in my Winter vacation is Kobe.

And as usual, me, Josefin & Han don't have any particular plan.

Just a little talk in a cafe, and kaboom, we were in Kobe the next day.

Kobe is an export-import city in this Peter Pan Land.

My teacher told us one day in our class that about 10 years ago there was a big earthquake happened in Kobe and destroyed the ports and buildings.

From several parts of this land that I've been visited, I really fall in love with this city !!!!

Just felt so friendly ^^

So we visited this Nankin Machi, a Chinatown in Kobe.

Pity that it wasn't China New Year, so we didn't have a chance to see Lion Dance.

After Chinatown, we tried to search our way to the port.

And we made it again by walking !!! ^^

Took some pictures of the destroyed port and beautiful sceneries.

We look again to the map, and there's this European Town Houses.

Kinda difficult and very tired to search this place since it was up on the hill.

But after we got there, I didn't regret that we walked almost 1,5 hours to reach there ^^

What a great trip !!!!

Nara

2009-01-09T22:56:00.017+07:00

At winter vacation I went to Nara with my friends, Josefin from Sweden, and Han from Hong Kong.

Nara is a small, beautiful town. It's one of the oldest city in Peter Pan Land and once been the capital city.

There were not many things we could see here except for the shrine and "Shika" (deers).

Han & Josefin tried to communicate with the Shika ^^

It's me, in front of the Shrine ^^

It happened also that I went here for the second time with some friends from Peter Pan Land, Yamamoto Akiko & Maki.
This time I tried to feed the Shika.
Even there was no food left in my hand, it seemed that those Shika were trying to find something by sniffing our bags and jackets.
Surely it was terrifying me !!!!
But it was really fun though ^^

me & Maki-chan ^^

me & Akiko-chan ^^

Oww, almost forgot that we went to Nara-Machi where we could see the way how to produce Mochi Cakes ^^
Sorry for the upside-down picture, but happy watching !!!! =)

The Miracle of Nature

2008-12-26T22:24:00.009+07:00

Today, when I was going to Shugakuin Station to catch my friends at Mototanaka Station, there's one point when this tiny snow hit my glasses, I looked up to the sky.

It thrilled me that today is snowing in Peter Pan Land.

I never seen snow "live" in my entire life !!!

When I turned my face to other side, I couldn't believed what I saw !!!!

I closed my eyes, and opened it over and over again until 3 times.

Yes, it was a Shooting Star !!!!!

It was 16.45 p.m., but it was a Shooting Star !!!!!

My first time to see one ^^

There are many love songs which mentioned Shooting Star in their lyrics.
They said, if you're seeing one, you should wish for what you will.
Sounds stupid, but I really did my wishing ^^

Hope what I wished for may come true, like those tale stories :)

Killing Machine

2008-12-23T05:35:00.006+07:00

And again, another tale story from Peter Pan Land.

After a very awful eve, -- thanks to somebody -- I ended up at a friend's (I always see him as one of my bestfriend in this Peter Pan Land though) place, had a chit-chat, and ate at a Ramen restaurant in the neighbourhood (surely, it tasted really good!!! And I ate a medium size which was in a HUGE bowl!!! Please don't try this at home :p). I didn't know how did he come with this such a ... well, you could say 'brilliant' idea, but for me it was a 'deeply madly NIGHTMARE' -- was it because at 12.30 a.m people couldn't think clearly even without drinks???

Shortly, he made me did my second effort to mount that 'machine without engine' !!! (Who's that genious inventor of this 'killing machine' anyway????)
I could drive 4 wheels in the fastest speed with those zig-zag touch ... But this one???
Shoot !

First Lesson: JUST MOUNT THE BIKE AND TRY TO FORGET YOUR FEAR!

So it happened that the bike was a man's bike, with kinda big size wheels.
I had to mounted it and stood on my tiptoes.
(I had been here almost a month ago with my first trainer, to mounted the bike.
But it still scary as the first!!!)
I could feel my hands shaking and grabbed the handle bar strongly.
I kept saying to myself, 'If you could ride this one, it's easier to ride woman's size bike! Just do it! He'll be there and won't let anything bad happened! Don't be scared!'
The more I said it, the more my hand getting stiffed.
But anyway, I already on the bike. One thing down!

Second Lesson: BALANCE

"Put your feet on the pedal. The right first, then the left."
Yeah, yeah, so easy to say that, but my heart beat faster than an F1 racer!
It was really hard for me to keep my balance only on 2 wheels.
Was it because of my 'chubby' tummy? (does it count? Haha ..)
"It's okay, I'm holding you."
He surely hold me (if he wasn't, I really gonna hate him for the rest of my life :p).
But many times I had to make sure that he's strong enough to hold me in case I landed unprettily. (no offense, Mate ... But you're loosing your weight! -- In good way, though :D)
It went to the left, right, left, right, and I was about to scream!
No, I did scream I guess.
Why it had to be unbalanced?
"You have to ride it a little to the left and to the right. So it could keep your balance."
Hmppppffff ... How could I think when my brain got down to my leg??
Lucky that he could read my mind and my body language clearly without words (maybe this could be counted as one of your talent? ;) ).
Coz it happened that I forgot every languages in this world (almost included mine) and just made some stupid alphabets, "Bbbbbb .... Yyyyy .... Wwww ..."
And I was shaking even more !!!
"You're a mean teacher!!!" -- this line, I said it without any difficulties.
And he just laughed. (I really don't like his laughed that 'morning' :p, but big thanks for his patient ^^)
He pushed me to made a few rounds in that tiny park. So, 2 lessons down!

Third Lesson: PADDLE YOUR PEDAL

After a break with an ice cream (sorry, Dude ... I forgot that I had mine so we had to shared yours instead :p) in the cold of the winter's wind and an attempt of sweet escape (nice try to pull my bag, Man), here comes another one.
"Now try to paddle the pedals."
This one not as hard as before.
I just tried to follow the pedal's movement.
But surely, unbalanced!!!
"Yyyyy .... Bbbbb ..."
"If you feel that you're gonna fall that way, you should turn the handle bar to other way."
Okay ... this part, I was that close to cry and gave up.
I was scared !!!! I was trembling !!!!
Well, I believe he's an Astroboy.
He won't let me fall.
So, I had a few attempts. Mission 3, accomplished!

Fourth Lesson: PULL THE BREAK!

"We try to go that way, and just pull the break to stop."
I talked to myself, 'Okay, grab the handle bar, put your right foot on the pedal, paddle it a little to the front, get your left foot ...'
"Try to paddle it faster."
'Ow, okay, faster ...'
But, but, but, it was too fast !!!!!
So I pulled the break.
And I was about to fall !!!
"Oh, did I tell you to pull it slowly, like from half until it stop?"
(Oh, great! Now I had a forgetful teacher -- appearently the Astroboy transformed into "Nobita", one of the character in Doraemon comic :( )
"What???"
"Yeah, don't pull the break full. It would make sudden stop and make you unbalance. Maybe you should try to use your leg and slide to stop."
So there is another way to stop this thing.
But my hands' reflects are much better than my legs on this 2 wheels thing.
In every attempt, I always use the break.
But I was getting better though. Half, 'till it stops and put your feet on the ground, rite, Sensei? ;)

When I was sitting, "So, you wanna call it a day?" he said.
I was about to clapped my hands and nodded before he continue, "Or you want to take challenge?"
I really hate that word ... Challenge ...! I think I could do this one.
So I stepped up and ... Weeee ... It ran smoothly (even though I really have to work on that break thing) !!!
And he wasn't even help me (I asked him to do so, yet not being far from me ... thank God he's a good runner :p).
VICTORY !!!!!

"You made a huge progress!"
'Coz you're such a mean teacher ... In a good way ^^'

I'm about to conquer this phobia ;)
-- The answer of handling phobia that you got from unpleasent memories, find someone who could get back your trust. --
Hope I don't forget these lessons :D

This post is dedicated to my patient, forgetful, and mean teacher, Lionel Lin ^^
Thank you so much and waiting for next lessons ;) -- Just let me catch my breath first :p

And to the first person who dragged me out from my warm room on one night and brought back a bit of trust in this 'killing machine', Josefin Sohl ^^
Thank you for believing in me that I could do this. Never forget your optimism ;)

Do You Believe In Zodiacs?

2008-12-20T22:17:00.016+07:00

I never believe in what so called "Astrology Forecast".
Coz for me, no one knows what will happened tomorrow.

-- Yesterday is a past, tomorrow is a mistery and today is a gift. That's why it calls present --

So, whatever will be, just try to enjoy your present and just look from different perspectives if it doesn't met your expectation.

In spite of that, I do believe in people characteristic which controlled by astrology. Of course, generally :)
Main reason is when I see myself and other friends who has same zodiac as I am, I could see the red line that connected us.
So one day, I was attempted to read an article about characteristics of Astrological Signs.

After my long research of who I am, finally I do know who I am, my strengths and weaknesses.
And this is what I wrote on a site about who I am before I even took a glimpse on that article.

ABOUT ME :
-----------------

1. A very quiet person ... only when I'm sleeping :D
2. I do enjoying delicious foods and eating outside ... Because I can't cook :p
3. Always pay attention to others ... Well, that's what most people say
4. Understanding person ... When I'm not being selfish :p
5. Too honest ... Sometimes I could make people get shocked just being too honest ... hehehehehe ... peace, Man :D
6. Have a high selfconfidence ... Here comes an analogy ... I always have a dream of being a celebrity :p
7. Mellow Yellow ... but only when i fall in love :p
8. I can't handle the clicking sound of camera and I HAVE TO BE IN the picture :D
9. Big fans of NARCISM ^^
10. I could get pissed off easily but in the other hand it's not hard for me to forgive :) --- it's true !!!
11. If I could win, why should I loose? ;) -- A friend said, "You are a fighter and fighters don't die!!"

** Anyway, what you see is what you get ;) **

From the description above, if you've read about astrology, what is my zodiac sign?
Precisely !!!!
I'm a LEO woman :)

Now let's try to compare my own opinion about me and this article about Leo Zodiac Sign. Just put attention to the yellow sentences if you're too lazy too read 'em all. Those are the similar one with what I've wrote above.

Leo Strength Keywords:
- Confident
- Ambitious
- Generous
- Loyal
- Encouraging

Leo Weakness Keywords:
- Pretentious
- Domineering
- Melodramatic
- Stubborn
- Vain

Leo in a Nutshell:

Leo is the lion, this well suited symbol represents Leo very well. They possess a kingdom which they protest and cherish. They are high esteemed, honorable and very devoted to themselves in particular! The kingdom could be anything from work to home to a partner, whatever it is, you rule it. Leo is always center stage and full of flair, they enjoy basking in the spotlight. A Leo always makes their presence known. Leo are full of energy that acts like a magnet for other people. Others are attracted to Leo's wit, charm, and what they have to say for they speak of things grand and very interesting. Leo will never settle for second best. They want only the best which can cause lavish excessive spending habits as they enjoy their life of luxury, which is all to easily justified by the grand and magnificent Leo! Public image is very important to Leo, with luxurious possessions and ways of life, this keeps the public image in high standing. They will do whatever it takes to protect their own reputation. Leos are very generous, kind and openhearted people. If a Leo is crossed, they will strike back with force but they are not one to hold a grudge, they easily forgive, forget and move on. Leos are always trying to make things right in the world, they have larger then life emotions and they need to feel like they have accomplished something at the end of the day. They react to situations with action instead of sitting back and thinking about it, they are not impulsive however because they look at the future and consider consequences of their actions.

These what I've seen too in my friends who has same astrology.

So, do you believe in Characteristics of Astrology now?
Just find it yourself ;)
Sometimes people don't know who he/she really are.
So if you just try to take a glimpse on your own Zodiac Character, you'll recognise a little about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses.
It will help you to rise your strengths and hide your weaknesses :)

It won't be a sin just to take a glimpse, right? ;)

Peter Pan Land

2008-12-09T17:57:00.011+07:00

Maybe it's a little bit too late to share my life in what they say "The Land of Sunrise".
But I do wanna share my experiences and suggestions with the world.

First suggest : If you're an introvert person, TRY TO OPEN YOURSELF!

Basically, I'm an extrovert person. But since I've been here, I became a little bit introvert a.k.a. little bit shy.
Yeah, it surely troubled me to find a friend.
I think I'm too .. how do you say? ... too careful, since everybody came from different countries and has different culture.
After 1 month, I pushed myself to be "the real me".
So, I made a step to know a friend :)

Second suggest: For you who can't ride a bicycle, LEARN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!

Well, I can't ride it. If you have read my article before, I have trauma from my past. That's why I'm afraid of riding one until now.
Shoot, bicycle is the most convinient transportation in Kyoto. Everybody goes everywhere with bike. Included my friends.

First I have a friend here, it made me even lonely since I can't go anywhere with her coz she always go everywhere with other friends, WITH BICYCLE.
Not because she didn't ask me to come along.
But I have to face the reality that I could caused trouble if I come along.
They go with bike, and I have to walk (or take a bus?).
So we have to discuss about the meeting point, on what time we meet, etc.,etc.
And this way, they cannot enjoy their trip.
I don't want to be a burden for them. So I try to get use to be alone.
So, this leads to the next suggest.

Third suggest : If you happened to be alone, DON'T AFRAID OF BEING A GEEK!!!

So, since I socialized only at school, I spent most of my time at my room, ALONE. I found that my laptop is my very best friend. From it I could talk with my family, friends in my homeland, and share these all to you.
In other hand, coz I can't do anything else, I have plenty time to study -- well, it's my first point of going here though.
Well, it meets its goal ^^
So being a geek is a choice, not a sin ;)
So you study, study, and study, and you met your goal.
Don't be happy !!!!!
You're mastering the theory ONLY.
Please continue reading ....
Scroll down little bit ...

Not yet ....
Please scroll ...

A little bit more ...

Stop!!!

Next suggestion : If a stranger buzzed you and you don't understand what he/she talking about, DON'T GO OUT AND MEET THEM!

This why I said you're mastering the theory only.
It happened in a sunny day. Someone buzzed me and he said he's from THE TV company. --- The school informed that there would be an officer from TV company who gonna check out the TV programs. Anyway, that person already came 2 days before. --
So, I asked (with the theory I've learned) what he's up to. And he explained, bla bla bla ... I could catched that he's from the same company, want to checked, and I didn't understand the rest.
Well, I come from a land where it's very impolite if you don't meet your guest when it happened that you already take the conversation (and again, it's culture matter).
So, I went out and he explained more. But still I couldn't understand what he said (hey, I just learned for a month ... duh !!!).
So, I tried to find the landlord of my apartment. Lucky that she was around.
They talked and talked and talked (still didn't understand what they're talking, but I could heard something with game on TV though).
After 10 minutes, the TV man gave me a brochure and he went out.
Then the landlord said, "Next time, please don't answer a buzz from someone you don't know! He is a salesman. And lately there are many bad people around, you know?"
(Haha ... She was a bit angry. These lines and tones I could understand clearly :p)

Days gone by and step by step I made friends. Really great even sometimes I feel lonely since I don't have any friends from the same country and can't talk in my own language! Night mare :(
(Can you imagine that I'm totally alone in this Peter Pan Land??? Shoot!!!!)
One day, I received news from my family.

Further suggestion: Even if you don't have talent at all, COOK YOUR OWN DISHES!

At my homeland, several times I almost burned the kitchen, often cut my fingers, always had awful taste of dishes. Clumsy or very untalented?? Anyway, that's why I gave up cooking. And since everything aren't too expensive, I always eat outside. Comfortable, tasty, convenient! So, from those backgrounds, my family suggested me to buy what you call here "bento". Very convenient indeed! Until it happened to be recession in any part of this world! Ohhh ... Another nightmare!!!!!! You could guess the rest.
Since I can't cook (soon I have to buy all those expensive cooking stuffs and I think I have to learn to eat those awful taste foods) I feel so doomned :(

Well, for today these all I could share from Peter Pan Land ;)

Happy reading ... Comments? :D

Phobia

2008-11-14T21:59:00.007+07:00

I think many people has this term in their dictionary.
I'm one of those who has this term in my own dictionary.

Definition of phobia that I get from an online article :

An intense, unrealistic fear, which can interfere with the ability to socialize, work, or go about everyday life, that is brought on by an object, event or situation.

I have 3 phobias in my dictionary.
Phobia of heights, clowns, and riding bicycle.
I really don't know how did I get my phobias of heights and clowns.
It's just in the blood.
But for the ride bicycle one, it's because I was hit 2 times by car and truck.

Today I'm proudly saying that I managed 2 of my phobias.

So we were on trip to this lake, Biwa Ko.
It has hills and ports.
I was kinda frightened at first.
'Do I have to get up there? Do I have to? Do I have to?'
I don't know how, but all I know I was up there tooking some pictures.

Then an hour later, I saw a line of people who's waiting for taking picture with the mascot.
Well, somehow I call it "clown".
A friend ask me to come along.
And I said, "No, I wanna go somewhere and take some autumn leaves pictures."
And didn't realize how, I was in the line, took the "clown's" puffy hand, and hear the sound of my camera clicking.

So how to handle the phobia that you don't know how and from where you get it from, basically just face the phobia itself and DON'T THINK. JUST DO IT!

But I still figuring the way to deal with phobia that someone gets from unpleasure memories.
Hmmmmmmm .....

Not Me, But YOU

2008-10-23T07:46:00.005+07:00

I know that it's hard for us to have this relationship from the beginning.
I know that the distance between us now rise many misunderstandings.
I know that we both try so hard to work it on.
I know that we both brave enough to make something impossible become possible.
I know that we both sacrifice so many things to be in this level.
I step up from the beginning and so do you.
You made your promise, and so do I.
And that's all because we love each other.

That's the reason why I became more aware and careful.
So no one could take away our love and what we build together.
But why should you do such stupid things which could jeopardize our efforts just to stay together?
Soon or later I have to be the one who fly away or you'll be the one who leave me behind.
That's the risk of the path you've made.
Not I made, but YOU made.
Darn, why you have to be so innocent?
You pushed me to the edge.
You made me standing between two roads.
Why I always be the one who has to think and make decision ???

Now I let you decide what the best for us.
Not me, but YOU ...

-- To whom it may concern, you know how much I love you.
But what you've done made me even confuse to make steps with you. --

Dare to Have The Highest Dream

2008-10-08T09:05:00.004+07:00

I always have this never ending dream since I was a child.
Going to Japan and study there is my biggest dream ever!
Most of them said to me not to have that kind of dream for it will hurts you when you can't reach it.
It's true.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
I always bring it in my mind and in my heart.

"There's nothing impossible for God. If God say so, then it happens!"

So I still dare to dream even maybe the possibility was only 5%.
They might think I was joking if I told them that someday I will be in Japan.

But then, after 23 years of dreaming, here I am.
Landing in Kyoto, Japan, to study language.
Thank you for you all who support me mentally and financially.
May God bless you all always.

Don't ever scared to have the highest dream in your life.
Sky is the limit and there's nothing impossible for GOD to make your "impossible" dream come true.
Just put it in your mind and pray.
If it's not meeting your expectation just believe that something much, much better will replace it for you.

First Post in 2008

2008-05-20T16:06:00.004+07:00

Almost 1 year since my latest post.
Don't have time to write.
Sometimes everything's static, sometimes everything's like roller coaster which makes me can't think fast with my hand on keyboard :D

New job, new collegas, but same old life story.
Kinda have something in my mind, yet seems to long to be written.

Will seek time to write, this puzzles in my head.

So, just wait for the date ;)

Jangan Tanya Kapan

2007-09-20T20:08:00.000+07:00

Akhirnya setelah sekian lama, sekarang gue nyoba nulis lagi.

Topik gue kali ini terpicu ketika sesorang bilang sama gue, “Kapan dong, nyusul gue married? Loe nggak kepingin ‘tu, punya suami ‘n anak? Kalo loe main2 mulu, mana bisa loe cari future husband?”

Well, ada orang yang bahagia dengan hidup melajang, ada yang milih untuk nggak terikat, ada juga yang mutusin untuk berkeluarga.
Kira2, gue termasuk di golongan yang mana, ya?
Hehehe …

GUE, cewek yang baru aja nginjek usia 27. (Heeee??? 27???? Shoot !!!!)
Untuk ukuran orang2 jadul, usia gue udah termasuk “renta” dan HARUS segera cari pendamping hidup.
Yah, banyak siy yang udah nanya “kapan”, secara sepupu2 dari bokap gue yang seumuran gue, rata2 udah punya anak 2.
Tapi untuk kehidupan “Metropolis”, (secara gue rasa gue termasuk dalam golongan ini :p) justru umur gue sedang blooming2nya.

Jujur, gue termasuk dalam kategori yang punya keinginan untuk berkeluarga.
Punya suami dan 4 anak (halah … gimana ngidupinnya coba? :D).
Tapi jujur juga, saat ini gue belum terpikir untuk menampuk tanggung jawab seumur idup.
Terikat sama satu orang, now and forever.
Banyak orang yang saat ini udah punya pacar, dan tinggal nunggu tanggal bagusnya aja.
Di kaca mata gue, they deserve someone much, much better.
Tapi karena pertanyaan “KAPAN” itu semakin menjadi2, they thought what they embrace right now is the best, meskipun gue rasa mereka juga masih bimbang dengan pikirannya sendiri.
Munafik kalo gue bilang gue sama sekali nggak kepikiran untuk punya pacar, dan suatu saat nanti gue punya keluarga sendiri.
Untuk saat ini, nggak munafik kalo gue juga pingin punya someone special.
Tapi gue nggak mau maksa, dan gue nggak mau ngerasa ketakutan ato tertekan dengan apa kata orang.

Can you imagine?
If, ONLY IF, I’m too scared.
Gue terlalu takut untuk nggak menikah dalam waktu dekat (mengingat usia gue yang terus nambah dari detik ke detik).
Dan di saat itu ada seseorang yang PDKT, ‘n finally gue main “tabrak-lari” saking gue parno: ‘Kalo bukan dia, gue harus nunggu berapa lama lagi? Nanti orang lain bilang apa kalo gue belum merit2?’, sementara ketakutan gue occupied logika dan hati nurani gue.
Then I’m married to him. Tapi karena emang dari awal udah “tabrak-lari”, di tengah jalan gue bacet2, bahkan penyok2. Di saat seperti itu, siapa yang mau tanggung jawab? Mereka yang udah desek gue untuk memilih?
Ah, paling mereka cuma bisa bilang, “Sabar yaaa …” sembari ngelus2 pundak gue.
STANDAR !
Siapa yang susah atawa stres? Siapa yang bakal rontok2 nyeselin nasib? Pastinya KITA SENDIRI lah.
Gue percaya bahwa segala sesuatunya akan indah pada waktunya.
Tuhan nggak tidur. Dia akan kasih kita yang terbaik. Itu gue yakini terus dalam hati gue.

Banyak contoh kasus yang gue lihat, di mana usia pernikahan seseorang cuma seumur jagung.
Karena nggak cocoklah (jawaban terbodoh yang selalu dilontarin orang ;( ), karena inilah, itulah …

Anyway, gue ngerasa Tuhan sayang sama gue.
Karena gue masih merasa bahagia dengan keadaan gue yang sekarang.
Dengan temen2 gue, yang selalu ada buat gue, kapanpun dan di manapun :)
Thank you, GOD …

Goggle V

2007-09-17T22:20:00.000+07:00

Sebenernya gue belum tau mau nulis apa.
Akhir2 ini gue belum lagi tergelitik untuk nulis.
But, karena minggu lalu Si Gembul balik ke Indo, I'm kinda miss my very best friend, Indie.
So, gue posting youtube aja kali yaaa :)

Hopefully Goggle V will reunited by this end of year ;)

Kakoii !!!!

2007-05-31T21:19:00.000+07:00

Yamapi to Kame, zettai kakoii desu :D

Ghost Whisperer

2007-05-21T16:55:00.000+07:00

Saat ini gue lagi termehe-mehe dengan film serinya Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) yang Ghost Whisperer.

Gue nontonnya sampe nggak berenti2.

Selain emang karena gue tertarik dengan hal2 yang berbau supranatural, si Jim, suaminya itu, cihuy banget.
Bener2 gentleman abiz !!!!
Dia bener2 tau banget dengan keadaannya Melinda (JLH) yang bisa ngeliat hal2 gaib, menerima istrinya apa adanya dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangannya, dewasa, kebapakan, bertanggung jawab, melindungi, dan dia sangat amat pengertian sekali.
Dia juga sabaaaarrrr banget.

Bener2 gambaran sosok lelaki yang selalu ada di benak gue selama ini.

Is there someone like him out there for me? I hope so :)

ANATOMY

2007-05-19T16:01:00.001+07:00

Just have this on my thought today.
Women's anatomy, nope, MY anatomy -- which are not perfect for most people, but so perfect for myself -- :D

Part 1: SKIN

For most of Indonesian girls, have dark skin is such a sin.
Why?
Coz most of Indonesian men prefer women with light skin than dark.
That's why many girls making efforts to get their skin lighter with those A-Z cosmetics.

I am one of the Indonesian girls who has middle-dark skin.
And guess what? I'm so happy with what I have.
In fact, I'm still trying to make my skin more tant.
In my opinion being dark is very sexy.

Part 2: NOSE

How about nose?
Many girls try to do plastic surgeries to make their nose higher.
Haha ... I have little nose.
And yet I feel that my nose is so cute :D

Part 3: EYES

These days glasses become one of trend fashions.
I can't stay away from my glasses.
And it makes my eyes more tiny.
But hell, little eyes are sexy, right? :D

Part 4: HAIR

Some like straight hair and some like curly/wavy hair.
When I was young (not because that I'm old now) straight hair became trend.
I had wavy hair and never done anything with my hair.
But now many people said that I shouldn't do anything with my hair coz it grows beautiful with that wave. (And now it's one of the trend.)

Part 5: BREASTS (Ups ... Should I write it in small caps?)

Most men like the huge one.
And women try to fullfill that stupid demanding.
Mine ... well, you tell me :D
Yet I believe in something that I won't write it here.
Thank GOD I still have perfect hills :)

Part 6: HEIGHT

For most people being 165-170 cm is ideal for a woman. (Especially when you have dreams to walk on catwalk as models.)
I'm 156 cm. But it becomes an advantage.
Coz eventhough someday I have a 160 cm boyfriend, he's still taller then me ;)

Conclusion: In my own point of view

Having a perfect anatomy like a model is not everything.
You should see it from other side.
Coz when you grow old, everything will change.
You're not as beautiful as you used to be when you were young.
Eventhough I'm not denying that first impression when you meet someone is your outlook coz how you could know someone's inner when you first meet him/her.

"Inner beauty comes from a good soul. And it's the most important of all."

And I'll make every single effort to outer my inner one ;)
How about you?

Nggak Penting

2007-05-16T17:50:00.000+07:00

Rencananya gue pingin stay di rumah aja hari ini.
Tapi tiba2 banget gue tergelitik untuk ke Mangga Didut secara udah lama banget nggak beli DVD.
So, jadilah gue ke Mangdu sama adik gue ‘n nyokap.

Sampe di sana, pas lagi jalan ke arah Mall Mangga Dua, ada yang nyolek bahu gue (secara gue pake tank-top, berasalah gue dicolek).
Langsunglah gue sedikit noleh, ngelirik pake ujung mata (coz gue pikir, bisa jadi gue dikerjain cowok iseng).
Tapi ternyata itu temen SMA gue, yang juga pernah satu kampus beda jurusan sama gue.
Pas gue ngelirik ke sebelahnya, dia ternyata bareng sama temen yang lain, cowok juga, yang gue tau dia satu SMA juga sama gue, cuma gue lupa siapa namanya :p
Keterlaluan deh gue. Padahal, si “temen” ini dulunya salah satu gebetan cewek2 satu angkatan gue karena selain pinter, doi guanteng gitu (kata mereka).
Well, coz he’s not my type back then (hehe ... jaman2 itu gue lebih seneng cowok yang kulitnya cenderung gelap dibandingin cowok2 berkulit putih yang menurut gue jadi menimbulkan kesan “imut” dan bukannya “laki”), gue jadi nggak hafal sama namanya.

Setelah agak2 basa-basi busuk ...

Temen yang pernah sekampus: “Sama siapa, Yu?”
Gue: “Sama nyokap ‘n adik gue.” (sembari sok2 cari nyokap, yang ternyata daritadi berdiri tepat di samping gue) “Kenalin, ini nyokap gue.”
Temen yang pernah sekampus: “B..., Tante.”
Gue: “Ini temen SMA Ayu. Yang itu juga.” (masih berusaha mengingat2 siapa namanya, sambil berharap dia nyebutin nama.)
Temen SMA gue yang kulitnya kayak salju itu: “F....”
Oalah!!! Iya ... Ternyata itu si F...
Gemblungnya nih, abis kita dadah2, gue jadi senyum2 sendiri dan niat banget untuk cari buku tahunan SMA gue begitu sampe di rumah cuma bakal liat fotonya si F...
Gimana nggak? Si F... sekarang malah tambah cihuy, dan setelah gue pikir2, dia mirip banget sama salah satu bintang Jepang kesayangan gue, Imai Tsubasa. (meskipun Tsuba-chi kulitnya lebih gelap dibandingin F...)

Malemnya nyokap traktir makan all you can eat di Gang Gang Sullai yang bikin gue nambah, nambah, dan nambah tanpa mikirin perut gue yang nyaris meledak sampe musti buka kancing jeans gue (Please don’t try this at home :D). Hmmmmm ... Nyam nyam !!!!!

- 13 Mei 2007 -

Kawinan Heboh

2007-05-14T17:17:00.001+07:00

Gue baru aja pulang dari kawinan Mba Leni di Balai Kartini dengan rombongan gedumbret.
Yang gue panggil dengan rombongan gedumbret itu: gue, nyokap, Mama, Papa, Opa (bokapnya Papa), Oma (nyokapnya Papa), Tante Ati (sahabatnya Mama) ‘n Aswin (anaknya Tante Ati).
Kita dateng sendiri2 dan ketemuan di sana untuk masuk bareng.
Begitu sampe, infotanment udah rame di depan.
Ini serius INFOTAINMENT loh !!! Coz bokapnya Leni dulunya (ato masih? Gue nggak tau persis) adalah salah satu dari pengacara yang biasa ngurusin kasus selebritis.
Bisa keliatan dari MC-nya aja Farhan. Terus gue sempet liat ada Elsa Syarif, sempet denger Nia Daniati nyumbang beberapa lagu, bahkan yang tadinya gue pikir Anwar Fuadi pas gue liat dari jauh, ternyata Sutiyoso aja gituh ...

Begitu mempelainya masuk gedung ... Tereroret jijing ... Mba Leni cantiiiiikkkk banget !!!!
Dia pake kebaya warna gold gitu, terus pake songket senada, dan kanan-kiri rambutnya yang tersanggul dikasih sumping kayak putri2 raja.
Sayang banget gue nggak bawa kamera ‘n HP gue nggak bisa dipake buat foto jarak jauh.
Ada kameranya Papa sih ... Tapi pasti foto itu langsung dicetak ‘n dibawa ke NZ untuk dipamerin ke sepupu gue. (Mereka nggak seberapa ngerti dengan teknologi canggih yang memungkinkan foto2 itu disimpen di dalem PC ato laptop. Hxhx ... Untungnya gue sempet foto2 narcist sebelum pergi :p)
Dan Fiza, suaminya, (baru kali ini gue liat versi live-nya) mirip sama Bams vokalisnya Samsons. Bedanya Fiza lebih putih aja.

Gue yakin kalo kawinan Mba Leni itu pake jasa Wedding Organizer secara banyak cowok pake baju item2 berdasi dan pake alat komunikasi seliweran wara-wiri. And FYI, mereka cakep2!
Nyebelinnya niy ... secara yang pada “dituakan” dapet tempat duduk di seksi VIP, jadilah gue “dititipin” ke Aswin.
Rencana mau jelalatan, eh, malah berasa punya body guard dadakan... Hxhxhxhx...

Waktu ada acara lempar bunga, gue nggak ngeh gitu secara gue masih sibuk memamah-biak.

Padahal, door prizenya, TV Plasma 32 Inch aja getoooohhh !!!

Untunglah gue sibuk ngurusin perut. Coz mereka pada injek2an sampe pada jatoh segala demi dapetin tu bunga :p

Lucunya lagi, nyokap cerita kalo Mama telepon sepupu gue dan ceritain suasana di gedung.
Sepupu gue katanya sedih berat gitu karena ngerasa keilangan banget. Kesian juga siy dengernya.
Tapi itu adalah indikator bahwa yang namanya KARMA ternyata emang bener ada.
Sebelum pulang kita juga sempet ketemu sama mantan sepupu gue yang pernah gue ceritain, Mba Put.
Untunglah sepupu gue nggak bisa pulang karena nggak dapet tiket.
Baru ditelepon kasih info selayang pandang aja dia udah kalang-kabut, gimana kalo dia dateng dan ketemu sama dua mantannya sekaligus? Bisa stres pada anak ntar :D

Anyway, paling nggak Mba Leni udah nemuin kebahagiaannya dan gue mendoakan semoga Mba Leni dan Fiza bisa langgeng, awet sampe kakek-nenek :)

-- It makes me more believing that the best thing will come at last, what ever it is ;) --

- 12 Mei 2007 -

Bukan Sepenuhnya Salah Mereka

2007-05-11T14:36:00.000+07:00

-- Buat para cewek yang baca, gue bukannya mau menghakimi kaum kita. Tapi ini hanya sekedar logika belaka dan lagi2 pengandaian yang gue tumpahin dalam bentuk tulisan. Hidup Ibu kita Kartini!!!! Lho??? --

Dengan berat hati gue akuin -- dan gue yakin ada juga gue2 lainnya di luar sana -- gue pribadi adalah tipe cewek yang nggak suka diatur2 dan nggak mau kalah. Gue punya mau, dan gue juga punya prinsip. Prinsip gue yang terbesar di saat berhadapan dengan cowok, ‘Kalo emang bisa menang, kenapa harus kalah?’ Yang gue sadarin juga, gue nggak suka berada di bawah cowok. Gue selalu berusaha memposisikan diri gue equal dengan dia. Bukan di atasnya, catet, tapi sejajar. Tuntutan tak tertulis gue dalam suatu hubungan serius dengan cowok adalah dia boleh aja minta gue melakukan sesuatu, tapi dengan alasan yang bisa gue terima dengan logika gue. Dan seandainya gue berbeda pendapat dengan dia, dia harus mau dengerin (bukan ngikutin kayak sapi dicocok idungnya) pendapat gue dan kita berdua mencoba untuk combine keinginan dia dan gue di satu kesepakatan yang kita ambil bersama. Gue nggak akan terima kalo dia memaksakan kehendak ato nyuruh2 gue untuk begini ato begitu. Gue pasti akan ikhlas melakukan sesuatu yang ada embel2 “tolong” daripada “harus”. Gue yakin, kalo kata “harus” itu yang keluar, there will be a war between us. Well, itulah hal yang gue sadari dari diri gue.

Tapi dari pengalaman2 pribadi gue, baik pertemanan dengan cowok maupun pacaran, sebagian besar membuat gue tertuntut untuk selangkah lebih maju dari mereka. Karena ketika kita dihadepin ke suatu masalah, biasanya gue yang harus bisa nemuin jalan keluarnya lebih dulu. Karena ketika mereka punya mau dan akhirnya ngambek kalo keinginannya nggak diikutin, gue jadi nggak enak ati dan ikutin keinginan mereka. Karena ketika mereka nangis, gue harus menemukan 1001 cara untuk nenangin mereka. Karena ketika mereka bingung dan ngerasa takut akan sesuatu, gue ngerasa harus melindungi mereka. Pada akhirnya, apa yang ada di buku teks jadi berbeda jauh dari prakteknya. Dan gue menemukan banyak cewek yang mirip dengan gue. We want to be a hero for them, but actually we do it in the wrong way without realizing.

Akhirnya, realita menunjukkan, kecenderungan cewek jaman sekarang adalah nggak mau kalah; tendensius untuk bisa ada di atas cowok; masih bisa dibodohi dengan strategi lihai cowok untuk ikutin keinginan terselubung mereka supaya mereka nggak perlu bersusah payah dalam mendapatkan sesuatu; merasa posisinya aman kalo seorang cowok lebih bergantung kepada dirinya karena dengan begitu cowok itu akan terus mencari dia dan bukan orang lain; merasa bahagia kalau bisa memanjakan cowok yang dia sayang baik dari segi material maupun spiritual; dll., dll. Jadi, sebenernya tanpa kita sadari, justru kita sendiri yang mendidik para cowok ini untuk jadi cowok2 pemalas bermental tempe.

Kalau gue bisa ngelontarin pertanyaan, siapa sih yang nggak seneng diperhatiin? Siapa yang nggak seneng bisa jadi “seseorang yang sangat berarti”? Siapa yang nggak seneng dimanja? Siapa yang nggak seneng diayomin? Siapa yang nggak seneng kalo semua kebutuhannya terpenuhi tanpa harus berusaha? Siapa yang nggak bangga dianggep sebagai orang yang paling berjasa atas seseorang? Siapa yang nggak seneng dijadiin raja/ratu? Semua orang, nggak cewek, nggak cowok, pastilah seneng. Tapi sekarang semua ini udah salah kaprah. Dan yang gue nggak suka, karena kebanyakan dari cowok2 itu sekarang udah bukan lagi ‘pangeran berkuda putih’ yang akan berjuang sampe titik darah penghabisan demi kita.

Gue amat sangat setuju dengan adanya emansipasi wanita. Gue juga amat sangat setuju dengan adanya posisi equal dalam hubungan antara cewek dan cowok.
Tapi di suatu saat nanti, kalo dalam urusan rumah tangga misalnya si istri dengan semangat ’45 pingin mengkudeta posisi suami untuk ada di atas suami dan menjabat sebagai kepala rumah tangga, menurut gue, selain si istri lupa dengan kodratnya sebagai tulang rusuk Adam, yang paling parah berarti dia juga punya kecenderungan bodoh.
Kenapa bodoh?
Cita2 gue yang mudah2an kesampean (amin), gue nggak mau punya suami yang leyeh2 nganggur di rumah ato kerja seadanya cuma bakal cap kalo dia punya pekerjaan, sementara gue sibuk banting tulang siang-malem untuk nafkahin keluarga.
Dan gue juga nggak mau punya suami yang tiap kali ada masalah justru majuin gue untuk mikir mati2an demi mecahin masalah sementara dia berlindung di balik punggung gue, atawa ngacir entah kemana, atawa tau beresnya aja, atawa cuci tangan kalo seandainya jalan yang gue pilihin salah.
Itu makanya gue bilang istri model begitu punya kecenderungan bodoh.
Kenapa kita harus bersusah payah ngerjain kewajiban laki2 sekaligus kewajiban kita sendiri?
Emangnya para lelaki itu mau, pulang kerja bantuin kita urus anak, masak, nyuci, nyetrika, dan di akhir minggu ngelupain waktu istirahatnya untuk bantu2 beres rumah, belanja, dan ngurusin segala tetek-bengeknya? Pasti mereka bakal kasih alesan, “Lho, itu kan tugas perempuan.”

Secara teoretis gue terpikir satu cara yang bisa kita, cewek2, bikin untuk mencegah ‘emansipasi pria’ (secara menurut gue, emansipasi jenis ini justru akan memunahkan habitat pria dan menjadikan seluruh dunia ini “wanita berbeda alat kelamin”) supaya nggak berkembang pesat, meskipun pada pelaksanaannya gue rasa nggak akan gampang dan harus ngeraba2 secara tiap orang pasti punya sifat yang berbeda.
Tumbuhin rasa saling membutuhkan dan menghormati dan bukannya rasa saling ketergantungan.
Bedanya tipis emang antara membutuhkan dengan ketergantungan.

Kalo seseorang punya rasa ketergantungan pada orang lain, dia akan bikin orang itu nggak bisa bergerak bebas dengan kenggakberdayaan dan kenggakPDan yang dia punya.
Huidih ... Kalo itu jatohnya di cowok, kita sebagai cewek bisa apes tujuh turunan :D
Sementara kalo jatohnya di cewek, yah, masih ada sejuta pemakluman lah. Secara menurut primbon nenek moyang ‘Perempuan adalah makhluk yang lemah’, ketergantungan pada lawan jenis yang berarti berbanding terbalik, lebih kuat, bisa jadi dasar pembenaran :p
Beda dengan rasa saling membutuhkan.
Saling membutuhkan numbuhin rasa ada yang kurang meskipun tanpa diapun loe tau kalo loe nggak akan kenapa2. You just feel incomplete without him/her dan bukannya can’t live without him/her. Sementara rasa menghormati bisa bikin kita sama2 menghormati kewajiban dan hak pasangan kita bahwa apa yang harus kita lakukan sebagai perempuan ataupun yang harus mereka lakukan sebagai laki2 emang sama berat dan sama pentingnya.

Gue bukannya mau ngajarin munafik. Tapi sekali waktu, dalam suatu hal (bukan semua hal, lho. Bisa2 ‘tu cowok ngacir secara dia bakal ngerasa kita jadi beban buat dia), perlulah kita bikin mereka merasa kita membutuhkan mereka dan tanpa mereka kita nggak bisa apa2 (walaupun mungkin kita pasti bisa bikin itu tanpa pertolongan mereka), tapi di waktu yang lain kita juga harus bisa atur strategi supaya mereka juga merasa membutuhkan kita dan tanpa kita, mereka ngerasa nggak sempurna.
Karena, ada satu hal juga yang gue pelajari, di saat gue merasa cowok gue bisa melakukan semua hal sendiri tanpa membutuhkan keberadaan dan bantuan gue, gue ngerasa apa arti dan gunanya gue buat dia?
Gue sebagai cewek aja bisa ngerasa begitu, apalagi mereka sebagai cowok yang notabene lebih membutuhkan rasa "dibutuhkan" itu?

Emansipasi Pria

2007-05-11T14:23:00.000+07:00

-- Sebelumnya, buat para cowok yang baca, ini cuma hasil pemikiran dan pengandaian gue semata. Kalo ada yang merasa tersinggung dan merasa ada kemiripan dengan apa yang gue tulis, coba tanyakan pada diri sendiri. Mungkinkah kalian adalah salah satu anggota gerombolan pengusung panji2 emansipasi pria? --

Posting terakhir di blognya Ichank cukup menarik. (Buat gue, menarik banget malah!)
Kenapa tendensinya, kebanyakan cowok jaman sekarang lebih banyak bergantung sama cewek dan kenapa juga dalam banyak hal, cewek bisa lebih unggul dari cowok?
Gue pikir2, ya juga siy.
Apa karena ada emansipasi wanita, para cowok ini juga nggak mau kalah dan pingin punya term emansipasi pria?
Yang gue baca dari buku sejarah, emansipasi wanita ada karena dulu cewek nggak boleh ato nggak perlu sekolah tinggi. Cewek dianggep warga kelas dua. Nggak penting buat cewek sekolah tinggi karena buntut2nya setelah berumah tangga tempat cewek itu di dapur. Dalam pekerjaan, orang jaman dulu menganggap cewek adalah makhluk yang lemah dan harus selalu bergantung sama cowok. Nggak semua pekerjaan cowok bisa dibikin sama cewek. Apalagi pekerjaan yang membutuhkan kekuatan fisik.
Buat gue pribadi, emansipasi wanita adalah satu kondisi di mana cewek diberikan kesempatan yang sama dengan cowok, baik dari segi pendidikan, juga pekerjaan, tentunya tergantung kemampuan masing2 individu.

Nah, kalo akhirnya emansipasi pria itu akhirnya dikukuhkan dan dimasukin ke dalam kamus, apa yang bakal terjadi?
Coba ya gue pikir2 dulu.
Kalo ada emansipasi pria ... Hmmm ... Oooo ... Gue punya satu contoh kasus yang konkrit.
Gue punya satu sahabat cowok. Dulu, waktu dia baru2 bisa nyetir mobil, dia dengan rela jemput gue kalo kita mau pergi kemana2. Tapi setelah gue bisa nyetir, tiap kali gue ajak dia jalan, dia selalu bilang, “Jemput gue dong. Katanya emansipasi wanita. Jadi, nggak ada salahnya kan kalo loe jemput gue?”
Yang ada di kepala gue, ‘Kurang ajar ‘ni bocah. Emansipasi sih emansipasi. Dalam hal apa dulu dong? Kalo ini mah namanya bukan emansipasi. Tapi dasar loe-nya aja yang manja sekaligus PEMALAS, ditambah murahan!’
Ada kasus lain, satu temen cowok gue bilang, “Isiin gue bensin yee... O iya, ntar traktir gue makan di resto anu yaa... Kalo mau pake nonton, yang penting dibayarin. Hari gini udah nggak jaman cowok yang harus bayarin cewek. Gantian dong cewek yang bayarin cowok. Kan emansipasi. Yang penting kan gue nemenin loe.”
Yang ada di kepala gue, ‘Prasyarat macem apa itu? Bilang aja kalo loe nggak mau keluar duit! Dasar cowok MATRE! Pelit amat sih jadi orang?’
Lain lagi kasus temen gue. Suatu hari dia ngeluh sama gue, “Ampun deh cowok gue! Emang salah sih gue. Gara2 kebiasaan papernya gue yang bikinin, sekalinya gue emang bener2 nggak sempet bikinin dia karena paper gue sendiri keteteran, dia malah bilang gue perhitunganlah, nggak sayang sama dialah, nggak ngertiin dialah, mana pake ngomel2, marah2, udah kayak cewek aja.”
Yang ada di kepala gue, ‘Lah, kenapa jadi loe yang ngerasa salah? Gue berani tarohan. Kalo dia sekarang putus sama loe, bisa cuma tamatan SMA kali cowok loe ‘tu!!!! Nggak bermasa depan banget sih? Mau jadi apa ‘tu orang?’
Ada lagi beberapa kasus yang pernah juga gue alamin sendiri, di mana ada tipikal cowok yang tiap kali punya masalah yang dia nggak ngerti jalan keluarnya ato terlalu takut ngadepin kenyataan yang ada di depan mata, ngelakuin satu dari dua alternatif. Alternatif yang pertama, lari dari kenyataan dengan sebisa mungkin gonta-ganti topik pembicaraan biar nggak ngebahas masalah. Kalo masih ngerasa dicecer dengan masalah itu, langsung pasang jurus marah tanda tak mampu. Alternatif kedua, nangis.
Yang ada di pikiran gue, ‘Buseeetttt !!!! Udah pengecut, cengeng pula! Mending sunat abis aja deh ‘tu ***** loe! Dasar mental tempe!’
Masih banyak kasus2 lainnya yang kalo gue sebutin bisa pegel2 tangan gue ngetiknya :p

Jadi sebenernya, apa gunanya emansipasi cowok? Supaya mereka bisa peras tenaga dan pikiran cewek tanpa berusaha? Supaya mereka bisa nabung untuk keperluan hobby mereka? Supaya mereka bisa ngomel2 kayak cewek tanpa dicap sebagai kakek bawel secara istilah itu emang belum ada? Supaya mereka bisa menitikkan air mata tanpa dibilang banci? Supaya mereka bisa dapetin babu ato supir gratis?
Dan kalau emang term emansipasi cowok emang berhasil mereka kukuhin, mau mereka, para cowok ini, apa? Melahirkan generasi2 cowok pelit, ato cowok pengecut, ato cowok lemah, ato bencong, ato cowok kardus, ato justru berlomba2 menciptakan term ‘drama king’?
Pertanyaan gue, apakah mereka rela kalo mereka nggak dianggep cowok lagi? Apa mereka ikhlas kalo mereka bukannya berdiri di atas ato sejajar sama kita, para cewek, tapi justru ada di bawah kita dan ikutin semua perintah kita? Dan apakah mereka masih bisa bangga dengan itu semua? Gue udah tau apa yang pasti mereka jawab: NGGAK!
So, kalo mereka emang laki2 sejati, dan di suatu titik mereka berpikir sedalem mungkin dengan menyertakan hati nurani mereka, seharusnya mereka udah sampai di suatu pemikiran: kenapa mereka justru sekarang secara nggak sadar berusaha membuat term emansipasi cowok itu exist?

Tapi kalo kita buka mata lebar2, inilah yang terjadi sama cowok2 jaman sekarang. Ngeliat realita yang ada, semua teori turun-temurun dari jaman nenek moyang yang menyangkut “kejantanan” ato “kegentlemanan” cowok udah kadaluarsa kalau dipake di jaman ini. Minjem kata2nya Ichank, inilah yang lagi happening. Dan secara nggak langsung, mereka membentuk kita, para cewek, untuk jadi individu2 yang lebih unggul dari mereka karena kita tertuntut untuk lebih berani, mandiri dengan ato tanpa kehadiran mereka, dan kita juga harus belajar untuk menyeimbangkan logika dengan perasaan.
Di balik itu semua, suka nggak suka, mau ataupun nggak mau mengakui, sebenernya kehadiran cowok2 you-can-call-them-anything ini bukan sepenuhnya salah mereka. Kita, para cewek, sedikit-banyak juga ikut andil di dalamnya ...

Welcome To Bloggers World, Sahabat Simbiosis Mutualismakyu ;)

2007-05-11T14:02:00.000+07:00

Tadi gue ambil HP yang kemaren gue tinggal di service point Motorolla PIM.
LCD HP gue makin lama makin gelap dan nggak jelas karena apa.
Mumpung masih garansi, jadilah kemaren sebelum jemput Mama gue masukin HP buat di service dan sekarang Mopicu chayank udah cihuy lagi ;)
Karena ujan deres, gue males balik cepet2.
So, gue baca2 bentar di Gramed, makan di Red Bean, terus beliin adik gue Wendy’s buat buka puasa, dah ‘tu nongkrong di Regal.
Dan semuanya gue lakukan SENDIRIAN :D

Dari PIM gue ke warnet karena udah hampir 2 hari nggak nyentuh e-mail dkk.
Beside, karena kemaren nggak jadi, gue janjian ketemu sama Ichank hari ini.
Tapi lagi2, karena satu dan lain hal, acara lepas rindu jadi GATOT ‘n diundur jadi besok :p

Anyway, sekarang sahabat simbiosis (Ichank mendeskripsikan persahabatan antara gue dan dia sebagai Sahabat Simbiosis, yang sekarang resmi gue tambahin dengan akhiran ‘Mutualisma’) mutualisma gue ini lagi semangat2nya ngurus blog.
Gara2nya hari Minggu kemaren, gue sama dia ke Snappy karena tadinya dia mau laminating foto yang ada TTD-nya Wookie itu.
Gue minta dia baca blog gue yang judulnya Sarangheyo, Wookie.
Karena ngerasa terharu (Huihihihihihi .... Senangnya dia jadi terharu gara2 ketulusan tulisan gue :)), setelah sekian lama gue nyetanin dia untuk bikin blog daripada cuma ckckck-in gue secara selain kirim2 CV gue juga niat banget ke warnet untuk update blog gue, akhirnya dia tergugah untuk punya blog sendiri.
Welcome to bloggers world, Chu ;)

Gue udah kedua kalinya baca tulisan dia.
Dan menurut gue, dia punya sense of humor yang sangat tinggi.
Tulisannya kocak dan dia emang punya jiwa nulis banget.
Kalo dia sering nulis, pasti deh bakatnya bakal kepoles dengan sendirinya :)
Ada satu tulisannya yang bikin gue jadi mikir detil, pro dan kontra, teori dan realitas ...

- 10 May 2007-

Yippie VS Ouch

2007-05-11T13:57:00.000+07:00

So, today …

Gue pergi sama nyokap ‘n Mama (panggilan gue untuk bude gue) ke BP secara Mama minta nyokap gue highlite rambut supaya doi keliatan lebih kinclong.
Rencana awalnya gue cuma drop mereka di BP karena gue udah janjian sama Chucuwicit untuk ambil DVD sama mau nitip ijazah gue untuk difoto copy di kantornya. Lagipula, emang dasarnya hari ini gue juga males kemana2 secara Jakarta lagi panas giling :p

Jam 3 teng gue udah sampe di depan rumah Mama di Pondok Indah.
Jam 3 lewat 15 kita langsung berangkut ke BP.
Nyokap minta gue lewat Radio Dalem karena kalo lewat arteri pastinya bakal macet total.
Yeah ... masuk diakal. Jadilah gue ikutin saran nyokap untuk lewat Radal.
Ternyata eh ternyata, Radal macet berat, Sodakur2 !!!!
Kita stuck di situ for 1 and half hour! Can you imagine????
Gue bener2 dibikin high voltage, kesadaran diri gue udah ilang entah kemana.
Bisa2nya gue klakson2, buka kaca, gedor2 kaca mobil orang sembari neriakin supir2 bodoh yang motong jalan orang seenak jidatnya itu karena nggak sabar nunggu macet.
Mereka pikir jalanan punya nenek moyangnya???? Gue juga antri, tau !!!!
Tumben2an nyokap juga nggak komplen dengan kekacauan yang gue buat karena ternyata dia juga BT sama orang2 itu :D
Mama pun nggak komentar secara dia ketiduran.

Sampelah kita di BP jam setengah 6 kurang dengan rambut gue yang udah “naik” dengan indahnya. (temen2 gue bilang, kalo rambut gue udah pada naik & kepala gue panas, itu adalah barometer bahwa gue udah emosi tak tertolong :p)
Rencana gue mau langsung balik, gue jadi ikut2an ke salon.
Gue udah nggak sanggup langsung nyetir balik secara kaki gue rasanya udah pada teriak minta tolong saking capeknya.
Waktu nyokap lagi cuci rambut, Mama tanya, “Kamu nggak mau highlite?”
Gue cuma cengengesan. Akhirnya gue ceritainlah kalo sebenernya udah lama banget gue pingin warnain rambut. Tapi, gara2 terakhir gue warnain rambut bareng temen2 gue pas awal2 kuliah tingkat satu di sebuah salon ecek2 yang baru buka di Jl. Margonda dengan obat yang sama sekali nggak bermutu dan akhirnya bikin rambut gue rontok nggak karu2an sampe mengalami semi kebotakan (Damn! Itu toning ato semir sepatu????), gue jadi rada trauma.
(Udah emang secara genetis gue punya turunan botak dari keluarga bokap, proses kebotakan gue dipercepat pula sama salon sial itu. Hxhxhxhx ...)

Gue pikir2, kalo masalah gue botak karena faktor genetika, ya, gue terima aja apa adanya deh. Dan siapa tau, dengan gue dihighlite malah bisa nyamarin botaknya :D
Jadilah Mama panggil salah satu staff ‘tu salon, terus, “Mas, tolong yaaa ... Ponakan saya juga mau dihighlite.”
Yippie !!!!!
Nyokap gue udah pasrah, secara gue udah kasih tampang ngarep supaya dibolehin, plus Mama berhasil yakinin nyokap supaya gue juga ikutan dihighlite.
Setelah satu jam gue menyerahkan diri sama si mas (ato mba? ato jeng? yeah, whatsoever) itu untuk ngunyeng2 kepala gue dari mulai dipotong, diwarnain, sampe diblow, akhirnya gue tersenyum PUAS setelah liat hasilnya! Yah, meskipun mungkin jadinya NGGAK GUE BANGET, tapi gue SANGAT PUAS! ;)

Satu cita2 gue yang gue pikir bakal gue pendem seumur idup finally kesampean !!!
Well, gue emang lagi pingin aja ganti suasana yang diawali dengan mengubah sedikit penampilan.

Agak maleman tante gue nyusul ke BP sepulangnya dia dari kantor.
Jadilah kita cekakak-cekikik berempat sampe jam 9 malem di resto Noodle lantai dasar.
Abis anter Mama pulang, gue anter tante gue balik ke Bintaro.
Seperti biasa, tiap kali gue anter orang pulang, gue selalu tunggu sampe dia masuk ke rumah.
Setelah agak lama bekutat dengan kunci gembok, tante gue nyamperin gue sembari bilang, “Yu, coba deh. Kamu bisa bukain nggak? Tante nggak bisa telepon ke rumah soalnya semuanya udah tidur. Takutnya Rio kebangun, kaget, kejang2nya ntar kumat.”
Gue turun dari mobil, terus nyoba buka gembok itu. Tapi tetep nggak bisa.
Gue langsung mikir, ‘Kalo dibuka dari dalem mungkin lebih gampang daripada dibuka dari luar.’
So, nggak pake babibu, gue langsung loncat pager. Hasilnya ... TETEP NGGAK BISA.
Kunci gemboknya dol.
Mau nggak mau tante gue kudu loncat pager juga.
Setelah tante gue loncat masuk dengan suksesnya, giliran gue untuk loncat balik ke luar.
Cuma ... gue salah perhitungan !!!!
Rumah tante gue posisinya menurun. Otomatis di luar lebih rendah daripada di dalem.
Karena di depan gue emang bener2 got, gue harus loncat ke samping, ke arah jalan.
GUBRAK GABRUK BREK ... OUCH!!!
Sendal gue licin. Yang ada, begitu mendarat, pijakan gue slip, gue jatoh dengan posisi pan**t duluan, dan gue nggelinding ke tengah jalan. Untung nggak ada mobil lewat dan nggak ada orang di sekitar situ. Bisa kegiles, atawa nanggung malu :p
Kejadiannya cepet banget (gila ya, kalo orang mau celaka dalam itungan detik pun bisa terjadi. Gue jadi inget, pernah waktu gue dibonceng mantan pacar gue, motornya kesundul [bukan ketabrak lho, tapi bener2 cuma kesundul!] mobil dari belakang. Mantan gue keseret karena masih pegangan di stang motornya, sementara gue kepelanting kira2 1,5 meter dari motor, helm yang gue pake kelempar jauh banget, terakhir, kepala gue mbentur trotoar. Itu juga kejadiannya nggak sampe 1 menit. Dan untungnya kita berdua cuma lecet2 doang. Menyeramkan!) sampe2 pas gue sadar, pan**t gue nyut2an, pinggang gue kayak mau copot, dengkul kiri gue ngilu, lengen kanan gue udah berdarah. Tante gue aja njeritnya belakangan saking syoknya.
Begitu tante gue tanya dengan nada panik, “Aduh, Yu!!!! Kamu nggak papa? Mana yang sakit? Perlu ke tukang urut? Ato perlu ke dokter?”, jawaban gue, -- dasar gue orang Jawa yang emang dididik secara Jawa, gue harus bisa bilang ‘Nggak papa’, ‘Nggak ngerepotin kok’, dkk. dengan muka polos meskipun mungkin kenyataannya nggak begitu. Orang Jawa boleh bilang, ‘unggah-ungguh’. Tapi gue bilang, ‘basa-basi busuk’! -- “Nggak papa kok, Tante... Santai aja... Cuma lecet doang. Aku cuma salah perhitungan tadi pas loncat. Ternyata tinggi juga yaa,” dan lagi2 (dengan style andalan gue supaya orang nggak panik) sambil cengar-cengir, kali ini ditambah nepuk2 celana gue sok2 bersihin pasir2 yang nempel di situ.
Padahaaaaaaaaaalllllllllll .......
Hxhx ... Seandainya nyokap bisa nyetir, gue udah minta tolong dia nyetir pulang kali.
Gimana nggak? Sepanjang jalan pulang, tiap gue injek kopling, kaki gue begeter hebat nahan sakit dari pinggang sampe ke tumit. Ampun dewaaaaa !!!!

Sampe di rumah, sakitnya udah nggak gue rasa2 coz gue langsung masuk kamar ‘n foto2 narcist secara gue punya RAMBUT BARU :D
Duasar gue !!!!!!

- 9 May 2007-

I Think GOD Can Explain

2007-05-06T18:27:00.000+07:00

There's a lot of things I understand,
And there's a lot of things,
That I don't want to know.
But you're the only face,
I recognize, it's so damn sweet of you,
To look me in the eyes.

It's all right, I'm o.k.,
I think God can explain,
I believe I'm the same,
I get carried away
I'ts alright,
I'm o.k.,
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,

The scent of vaseline,
In the summertime,
The feel of an ice cube,
Melting over time,
The world seems bigger than both of us,
Yet it seems so small,
When I begin to cry.

It's all right, I'm o.k.,
I think God can explain,
I believe I'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, Im o.k.,
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,

I'm so much better than you guessed,
I'm so much bigger than you guessed,
I'm so much brighter than you guessed.

Its all right, I'm o.k.,
I think God can explain,
I believe I'm the same,
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm o.k.,
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed,
I'll get over it yet,
I'll get off of your back,
I think God can explain.
I think God can explain.
I think God can explain.

- Splender-

I believe GOD has explanations on what happened and what will happen to me and other people in this life :)

Jodoh?

2007-05-06T15:33:00.000+07:00

Kemaren gue pergi ke PIM sama nyokap, bude gue, 'n mantannya sepupu gue, Mba Lenchang.
(Hehe ... Karena sepupu gue ada darah Jepangnya, jadi dia tambahin -chang di belakang nama Mba Len :p)

Cara jodoh dateng emang kadang suka lucu kalo dipikir2.
Dari SMP sampe SMA, gue satu sekolah sama sepupu gue.
Jadi, kisah percintaan mereka, gue tau banget dari A-Z, secara sepupu gue ini biar kata cowok, tapi emang tukang curhat :p

Mereka pacaran waktu kelas 2 SMP.
Secara jaman itu sepupu gue leboy berat, dia nggebetin temennya si Lenchang, meskipun waktu itu mereka masih jadian.
Begitu deket sama si Mba Put, 'n naga2nya gayung bersambut, diputusinlah si Lenchang ini untuk jadian sama Mba Put.
Nggak lama, jadian lah Lenchang sama cowok lain.
Tapi sepupu gue 'n Mba Lenchang jadi musuhan selama 1 taun.

Begitu masuk SMA, sepupu gue kuliah di LN.
Dan gara2 dia iseng manas2in si Mba Put dengan bilang kalo dia punya cewek di sana, putuslah mereka.
Dalam itungan minggu, Mba Put jadian sama seniornya.
Duar!!! Ceritanya sepupu gue patah hati secara orang dia mau iseng, malah jadi bener2 keilangan.
So, pas sepupu gue balik ke sini, mulailah dia curhat2 sama Lenchang secara waktu itu Lenchang juga baru putus sama cowoknya.
Dari curhat2an itu, akhirnya mereka pacaran lagi, sampe akhirnya Mba Lenchang nyusul sepupu gue untuk kuliah di kota yang sama.
Semuanya berjalan sampe 7 taun lamanya.
Cuma, nggak tau gimana cerita persisnya, intinya sepupu gue ketauan selingkuh untuk yang kedua kalinya, berantem hebat, dan akhirnya putuslah sama Mba Lenchang.

Gue pribadi, gue suka banget sama Mba Lenchang ini.
Coz dia baiiiikkk banget.
Selama gue main ke NZ, cuma dia yang selalu nyempet2in nemenin gue kemana2.
Kalo nggak ada dia, praktis selama seminggu gue di sana gue pasti cuma di rumah doang karena sepupu gue lagi ujian dan nggak mood pergi2an.
Di luar itu, dia pinter banget ambil hati keluarga besar gue.
Bahkan, di saat mereka udah putus pun, ketika adiknya sepupu gue mau kuliah di Aussie, dia yang bela2in nyebrang ke Aussie untuk cari2 info sekolah juga apartemen yang bagus.
Dan dia ngelakuin itu semua, bukan karena adanya kewajiban ato apa.
Tapi karena dia TULUS.

Manusia memang nggak ada yang sempurna.
Mba Len pun juga punya kekurangan. Dan kekurangannya itu yang bikin sepupu gue akhirnya give up.
Tapi toh, sepupu gue juga jauh dari "sempurna".
Dasar laki2!!!! Biar kata dia sepupu gue, tetep aja ... DASAR LAKI2!

Kemaren akhirnya kita jalan bareng, karena Mba Len mau kasih undangan pernikahannya.
Jelaslah bukan sama sepupu gue :D
Seandainya aja dia bisa jadi ipar gue, pasti gue seneng banget!
Tapi itulah jodoh.
Mba Len udah tunggu sepupu gue selama 7 taun pacaran, ditambah 2 taun untuk jadi temen curhatnya kalo sepupu gue lagi bermasalah sama ceweknya.
Tapi toh, namanya perempuan, sampe kapan mau nunggu?
Datanglah cowok ini, yang kasih dia apa yang seharusnya diterima oleh seorang cewek, dan akhirnya bisa meluluhkan hatinya.

So, 9 taun penantian, akhirnya bisa dipatahkan hanya dengan 1 taun pacaran untuk maju ke jenjang yang lebih.
Tapi itulah jodoh.
Nggak ada yang tau kapan dia dateng.
Hmmm...
It makes me wondering, how it's gonna be when it comes to me? :)

Sarangheyo, Wookie

2007-04-30T18:29:00.000+07:00

Ceritanya gue sama Ichank adalah penggemar film2 Asia, termasuk Korea.
Biarpun aktor2 idola kita beda, ada satu aktor Korea yang sama2 kita idolain: Lee Dong-Wook.
Gue bukan pengejar bintang2 idola luar seandainya mereka dateng ke Jakarta.
Yah, salah satu hal terbesar yang menahan gue: Finansial.

Bayangin aja. Waktu F4 dateng, Ichank bela2in beli tiket yang paling mahal, demi ngeliat Vic Zhou & Ken Zhu. Sementara gue cukup senang denger cerita2nya dia.
Daripada gue bela2in beli tiket yang paling murah dan ngeliat dari layar gede secara mereka pasti jauh banget dari panggung, mendingan gue nonton di TV. Udah jernih, gratis, sama pula. Dan gue juga bisa beli DVD bajakan pas mereka manggung dengan harga super murah :p
Gitu juga waktu Bryan McKnight dateng, gue cuma bisa gigit jari. Selalu aja gitu.

So, ceritanya Ichank denger kabar dari milis kalo hari ini Lee Dong Wook bakal ngegelar acara dinner di Spazio, PIM 2.
Jadilah dari jauh2 hari dia heboh nyeritain kalo dia ikutan kuisnya biar bisa ikutan dinner.
Dan semalem dia telepon minta ditemenin ke sana, dengan harapan bisa nyegat doi dari luar, secara tiket di luar kuis udah abis kejual.

So, dia jemput gue jam 5 sore.
Baru juga menginjakkan kaki di dalem PIM, selop gue copot!!!
Talinya putus!!!
Mau nggak mau kita balik ke mobil karena gue kudu ganti selop gue dengan sendal teplek yang emang gue bawa untuk nyetir. Untung yang gue pake buat nyetir bukan sendal karet :p
Tapi akhirnya gue pake selopnya Ichank yang kegedean 3 nomor. Mana warnanya pink!!! Bukannya apa2. Nggak matching! Celana gue biru, daleman item, blazer krem, tas coklat, masa selopnya pink???? United color tabrak lari !!!!
Dia komplen, katanya nggak rapi kalo pake sendal teplek itu. Apa boleh buat lah. Sapa juga yang mau perhatian sampe segitunya secara gue pake jeans gue yang panjangnya nyampe lantai itu lagi. Hehe ...
Kayaknya gue punya kutukan selop neh :D

Begitu sampe di sana, maaaakkk!!! So many abg ‘n “little eyes” (you know what I mean ;))
Berdirilah kita berdua di depan Spazio dengan tampang bodoh. Sebenernya, tujuan awal gue pingin ngafe. Biarpun misalnya Ichank punya tiket masuk, gue berencana untuk tunggu dia sambil ngafe sendirian di Regal. Gue berdiri dengan tampang innocent, sementara Ichank nyelip2 di antara abg2 yang nengok2 dari luar, berharap bisa ngintipin si Oppa Dong Wook.
Tiba2 aja, kucluk kucluk kucluk .... Ichank nyamperin gue sambil nanya, “Loe punya duit berapa? Gue nggak bawa cash. Ternyata bisa masuk kalo bayar pekgo. Cash gue cuma cepek nih.”
Gue cengar-cengir. “Dua puluh ribu,” jawab gue. Wong emang rencana gue pribadi cuma ngafe doang!
Akhirnya lari2lah dia – secara selop yang gue pake kegedean, gue cuma bisa ngikutin sambil jalan rada cepet – ke ATM. Tiba2 dia bilang, “Loe tambahin gue gocap deh, jadi kita berdua bisa masuk.”
“Nggak ah. Gue ngafe aja. Tar kabarin gue aja kalo dah selesai.”
“Serius ni gue, Yu. Ayolah!”
Akhirnya gue cengangas-cengenges sambil ngangguk.
Alhamdulillah :)

Jadilah kita berdua masuk dengan suksesnya.
Awalnya Ichank so excited, tapi akhirnya jadi gue yang heboh ambil gambarnya Dong Wook dengan HP gue yang, aduh, nggak banget buat foto2 di tempat gelap. Tapi ... Hajaaaarrrr!!!! :D
Man, dia putih banget kayak porselen! Yummy !!!!
Pas ada acara tanda tangan, si MC-nya bilang, karena jadwalnya Oppa hari ini padat banget dan dia udah cape berat, nggak semua orang bisa dapet tanda tangannya.
Paniklah si abg2 itu, merapat, dorong2an untuk minta tanda tangannya.
Gue kepisah sama Ichank secara mereka2 itu heboh banget!
Karena liat tampang idolaku chayank yang udah kecapean itu, gue nggak tega lah berjejal2 untuk minta tanda tangan.
Beside, gue laper banget, ‘n selop yang gue pake bener2 ngganggu.
Jadilah, gue minggir, makan dengan suksesnya.
Gue duduk tepat berhadapan sama TV yang nayangin orang2 yang pada minta tanda tangan itu.
Nggak lama, gue coba telepon Ichank untuk tanya posisinya ada di mana.
Gue telepon ‘n mata gue masih mantengin TV.
Pas banget gue nelepon, cewek di atas panggung itu heboh nyari2 apa di celananya. Dan ternyata, begitu gue liat rompi tu cewek, yang lagi minta tanda tangan itu si Ichank!!! Huehehehe ... Dia berhasil sampe di atas :D
Abis makan, gue coba untuk ambil video Dong Wook pake HP gue.
Makin lama gue makin kedorong ke depan, dan akhirnya gue bener2 ada tepat di depan panggung!
Gue rasa gigi gue kering secara gue mangap mulu saking terpesonanya :p
Dan antara sadar/nggak sadar, gue mbisik (nggak teriak loh!), “Sarangheyo, Oppa. Aza Aza Fighting!”
Huehehehehhehehe .... Udah umur segini, masiiiih aja :D

Hmmmm... Gue senyum2 sendiri.
Thanks a lot ya, Chu ... Now I know, how it feels when you see your idol right there, in front of you :)

- 29 April 2007-

O'kz Cafe

2007-04-30T17:49:00.000+07:00

Dari hari Kamis, nyokap udah cuap2 pingin banget ke O’kz Cafe di BTC.
Secara hari Sabtu minggu sebelumnya doi ke sana sama tante ‘n oom gue, dia pingin banget ajak gue & adik gue ke sana untuk denger live music.
Sebenernya hari ini gue ada kondangan temen nongkrong gue tiap weekend.
Tapi gue nggak berhasil ngajak orang yang bisa nemenin gue ke kawinan doi. Dan gue jadi males kalo harus pergi sendirian ke Bidakara, plus Pancoran pastinya macet banget. (Sorry banget, Do. Gue sebenernya pingin banget bisa dateng :( )

So, abis nonton Intan, gue ‘n adik gue masih leyeh2 di depan TV sambil nonton ultah Extravaganza.
Actually siy gue dan adik gue males banget pergi.
Tapi nyokap gue semangat banget pingin kasih liat O’kz Cafe itu ke kita2 orang, sampe pake acara ngambek segala. Alesannya, “Kapan lagi kita bisa pergi bertiga, malem minggu, denger musik?” (Dulu, jaman gue masih SMP ‘n awal2 SMA, kita bertiga suka ke Amigo’s Cafe di Kemang, Jamz, ato cafe apalah cuma untuk denger live music. Gue rasa she miss it so much, secara sekarang, karena kita udah gede2, weekend kita suka mencar2.)
Yah, akhirnya dengan berat pan**t, kita siap2lah.

Kita sampe jam 9, sementara musiknya mulai jam setengah 10.
Dan waktu musiknya mulai, gue mulai ngedrop.
Gimana nggak? Nyokap bilang, mereka bawain lagu2 Top 40.
Eh, ternyata yang dimainin malah lagu2 Indonesia, kayak lagunya Pingkan, Nidji, juga lagu2 dangdut, yang notabene, BIKIN GUE MANYUN! (Yah, meskipun ada penyanyi yang dari jauh cukup lumayan, tapi wanda ya kalo dari deket, coz tempatnya gelap juga siy :p)
Mulailah gue merengut2 nggak jelas, kasih tampang pingin pulang.
Nyokap juga udah feel guilty gitu ngeliat gue sama adik gue geleng2 kepala tanda nggak enjoy.
Setelah sejam nyanyi, band itu break. Dan selama break, ada DJ-nya gitu. Lumayanlah.
Tiba2 nyokap gue bilang, “Dari jauh DJ-nya kayak si E**n, Yu.” Iya siy. Dari jauh doi emang mirip sama dia. Bukan tampangnya. Tapi postur badan 'n rambutnya. Cuma nggak tau kenapa, perasaan gue biasa2 aja pas ngeliat “kembarannya” itu. Alhamdulillah :)

Begitu band-nya mulai lagi, gue mulai “on”.
Soalnya, hip-hop hurray yang gue pikir bakal nggak ada, ternyata baru dimainin.
Dan asli yaaa ... Itu band ternyata cihuy punya! Mereka bikin kayak parodi2an gitu. Dari lagu apaaa gitu, tiba2 bisa aja diplesetin jadi lagu Batak, ato lagu Ambon, ato dangdut. Dan mereka juga kocak2 banget. Kayak nonton dagelan pake musik :D

Di sesi ketiga, hip-hop-nya makin seruh!!!
Dan tiba2 aja, pas gue lagi ngelengos karena abis diajak ngomong sama nyokap, ada tangan narik tangan gue.
Ternyata, salah satu penyanyinya narik tangan gue untuk ikutan ke depan.
Mampus nggak gue??????
Tapi ya sudahlah ... Buat seru2an aja, gue tidak menolak :D
Jadilah gue dance di antara para penyanyi itu, ngikutin gaya mereka.

Awal gue maju, yang dimainin itu lagunya Fergie – London Bridge.
Pas lagunya ganti jadi My Hump, gue balik badan, udah mau duduk lagi.
Lumayan malu gila! Dari sekian banyak pengunjung, yang maju cuma gue sama satu cewek yang dance-nya emang keren banget! Drop-lah gue!!!
Tapi lagi2, tangan gue ditarik, nggak boleh duduk.
Jadilah gue masih di depan, dance2 tolol. Lagu berikutnya, gue dengan rela nggak balik ke tempat duduk.
Karena apa??? GASOLINA rules!!!!! Huehehehe ...
Dan ketika Tak Ada Logika-nya Agnes dibawain, sumpah yaaa, gue ngerasanya gimanaa gitu. Coz drum-nya emang keren mampus!!!! Tiba2 aja lewat sekelebat di otak gue, ‘Wish I could see “him” play drums someday...’

Tengkiu, Bu, karena udah maksa kita bikin hal yang sempet ilang, ‘n I realized, I miss it too, have fun with my beloved family ;)

- 28 April 2007 -

Dreams???

2007-04-28T14:38:00.000+07:00

Recently I have these dreams.
I dreamt of someone, a friend, or whoever it is whom I never think about.
And the next day, I got news related to that person.

For example, in the beginning of this week, I dreamt about a friend.
In my dream, I met him at a house, a red house.
And he said he just moved there with his wife.
But as far as I know, he's not married yet.

In the reality, I never meet him for almost a year.
The next morning, I received text message, "We would like to invite you to our wedding ...," and it was from him.

Other example, I dreamt about my junior at college.
In the dream, we were having fun coz in the reality it's been a while since we've met.
And the next day, he add me to his friends list on a website.

Those dreams were not scary.
But the thing that makes me scared is what if I have bad dreams?
Hxhxhxhxhxhx ....
What's going on with me ????
I don't like this at all :(

- 27 April 2007-

Solution

2007-04-24T17:09:00.001+07:00

So I tried to give him a solution.
Gue bilang, mungkin dia harus mengingat2 seseorang yang bisa membuat dia melepaskan topengnya, yang membuat dia merasa nyaman dengan menjadi dirinya sendiri di dekat orang itu.
Ato mungkin dia harus mencari sesuatu, seperti hobby misalnya, untuk membunuh rasa sepi di tengah2 kerjaannya yang emang selalu menuntut dia untuk bertopeng ria itu.

Tiba2 suaranya yang tadinya berapi2 jadi melemah.
“Fanny.”
Gue tau itu nama sahabatnya dia coz gue kenal juga sama si Fanny ini secara dia senior gue di SMP.
“Fanny apa kabar?”
Bukannya jawab pertanyaan gue, dia malah ngelantur, “Fanny yang selalu bikin gue ketawa. Di deket Fanny gue nggak perlu pura2. Cuma sama Fanny gue bisa jadi diri gue sendiri. Kita suka gila2an bareng, ngelakuin hal2 bodoh yang mungkin nggak akan pernah kepikiran sama orang lain. Fanny selalu jadi orang pertama yang peduli sama gue. Kalo gue butuh dia ato dia butuh gue, kita tinggal angkat telepon, ketemuan, dan rasanya semua masalah udah beres, bahkan kadang tanpa harus cerita. Gue bisa jadi gue yang sekarang karena Fanny. Tapi sekarang Fanny udah berubah. Dia sibuk banget sama kerjaannya dan susah diajak ketemuan. I need her. Dalam keadaan apapun gue selalu butuh dia. Udah sebulan lebih gue bener2 nggak dapet kabar apapun dari Fanny. Telepon gue juga nggak pernah diangkat sama dia. Gue keilangan Fanny, Yu. And I miss her so much. Bla bla bla ...”
Dia masih nyeritain hal2 yang pernah dia bikin sama Fanny, tapi gue udah nggak konsen denger itu semua. Gue cuma kasih respon2 seadanya sampe akhirnya dia tutup telepon.

Pikiran gue melayang2 dan mata gue berkaca2.
I miss him ...
Gue emang punya temen2 gue, sahabat2 gue yang lain, tapi setiap temen dan sahabat gue punya posisi dan porsi yang nggak akan pernah bisa digantiin sama orang lain, begitupun dengan dia.
Nggak akan pernah ada orang yang bisa gantiin posisi dia.
Di deket dia gue bisa jadi diri gue sendiri.
Gue bisa ketawa, marah, nangis, manja, ngambek, dan gue nggak pernah bisa ngumpetin itu semua dari dia.
Dan selama ada dia, meskipun cuma denger suaranya ato baca smsnya, gue udah ngerasa tenang ‘n I know everything’s okay coz he’s always there for me no matter what.

“Orang bilang, cuma ada dua hal yang bisa bikin persahabatan (antara cowok dan cewek - red.) ancur. Cinta dan seks.”

Itu yang pernah dia bilang ke gue.

Gue nggak bilang itu salah. Tapi persahabatan antara laki2 dan perempuan emang nggak akan pernah bisa langgeng, baik ada cinta ataupun nggak di dalemnya.
Bagaimanapun tetep harus ada jarak biarpun tipis. Dan gue tau betul, apa yang ada di dalam persahabatan gue dan dia sama sekali nggak ada batesnya. Apa yang ada di antara gue dan dia saat itu bisa dibilang layaknya orang pacaran, bedanya cuma nggak ada komitmen, alias HTS.
Dan gue nggak bisa bohong kalo buat gue, itu sakit banget. Gue pingin marah, pergi, tapi saat itu hati gue nahan gue untuk tetep ada disitu karena ... gue nggak mau kehilangan dia.

Di masa2 itu, ketika gue kangen dia, kadang gue takut untuk jujur, bahkan sama diri gue sendiri. Karena nggak sewajarnya sahabat punya rasa kangen berlebihan, sampe rasa2nya apa yang ada di dada loe panas banget, like it will explode, dan mata loe udah penuh sama genangan air mata saking loe berusaha nahan sekuat tenaga apa yang loe rasa.
Pernah gue bener2 kangen sama dia dan gue udah nggak bisa munafik. Gue nangis, kejer banget, bilang kangen, sampe pingin ketemu. Dan gue tau saat itu dia bingung banget. Gue udah bener2 nggak tau gimana harus nempatin diri gue di dalam “persahabatan” yang ada antara gue dan dia.
Kadang dia bilang sayang sama gue sebagai sahabat, sebagai kakak, tapi di saat perasaannya bicara, dia bisa bilang kalo sayang dia ke gue lebih dari sekedar sahabat karena dia ngerasa “klik” yang dia cari selama 22 taun ini justru dia temuin di gue. Gue bener2 nggak tau dan nggak ngerti apa yang sebenernya terjadi antara gue sama dia saat itu.

Dan sekarang, gue nggak tau apakah semua yang pernah dia omongin tentang gue itu jujur ato hanya permainan kata2 manisnya aja. Wish I could just trust him like that, tapi gue udah nggak bisa percaya sama itu semua. Feels like those were games for him, and when he reached it all and found it not interesting anymore, he just left.

Sebenernya gue nggak mau ngungkit2 apa yang udah lewat.
Cuma gue juga nggak mau munafik, ketika gue denger ceritanya tentang Fanny, yang kelintas di kepala gue emang cuma dia.
Dan perasaan gue yang sebener2nya saat itu ... meskipun gue udah nggak bisa percaya sama dia lagi, gue ngerasa keilangan dia, banget.
Tapi gue juga sadar, saat ini gue belum siap ngeliat ato berhubungan dengan dia karena gue nggak mau ngerasain sakit hati itu lagi.

Satu hal yang udah sempet gue lupain, tepat semalem, gue mimpi dia. It was so clear.
Di mimpi gue, kita berdiri berhadepan di satu galeri. Dia genggam tangan gue. Dia bilang sayang sama gue dan minta maaf karena udah pergi jauh dari gue. Dia janji, suatu saat dia akan kembali untuk gue. Dan di sana dia senyum, manis banget. Senyum termanis yang pernah gue liat di bibirnya.
Well, it’s just a dream and I don’t ever wish it will come true, but it did make me miss him even more...

- 23 April 2007 -

The Case

2007-04-24T17:01:00.000+07:00

Gue baru aja tutup telepon dari kenalan gue setelah kita ngobrol for about 3 and half hours.
Kenapa gue bilang kenalan?
Karena setelah gue kenal dia beberapa tahun yang lalu dari temen gue, hubungan gue sama dia cuma sebates telepon dan hanya beberapa kali ketemuan.
Itu juga hanya kalau dia lagi pingin curhat sama gue.
Aneh? Menurut gue juga aneh.
Tapi entah dari kapan dan gimana, dia pernah bilang kalo dia ngerasa cocok curhat sama gue, kebalikan dari gue yang justru nggak pernah ngerasa sreg untuk cerita apapun tentang gue ke dia.

Anyway, kali ini dia cerita, gara2 kerjaannya yang menuntut dia untuk selalu “bermuka dua dan bermulut manis” di depan client2nya, dia ngerasa kayak keilangan jati diri dan terus bertanya sama dirinya sendiri what the hell is going on with him. Dan sampe sekarang, dia belum nemuin jawabannya.
Ah, actually it doesn’t take a genious to figure it out.

Kenapa seseorang bisa ngerasa keilangan jati diri dan akhirnya jadi bingung sendiri?
Biasanya seseorang akan merasa takut nggak bisa diterima secara utuh dalam suatu lingkungan tertentu, bahkan tereliminasi dari lingkungannya seandainya dia menjadi dirinya sendiri tanpa berusaha beradaptasi. Itu adalah satu undang2 tak tertulis yang seharusnya ada dalam kitab pergaulan. ADAPTASI.
Nggak semua orang mudah beradaptasi dan bisa memenuhi “demanding” yang ada dengan cepat.
Satu2nya jalan aman, mau nggak mau dia harus menjalankan kewajiban ataupun norma yang tanpa disadari berubah menjadi rutinitas, hanya supaya dia nggak bener2 sendirian dan bisa bertahan.
Ketika di satu titik dia lelah dengan rutinitas itu, dia akan terbangun, merasa tersesat, dan berusaha mencari jati diri yang hilang dengan berusaha mengingat siapa dia sebenernya, setelah tergesek dan terbentuk oleh norma yang ada di sekelilingnya, juga mencoba mengingat pijakan awal, hal yang bisa membuat dirinya nyaman, bebas dan bahagia, tidak terkungkung oleh embel2 “obligation”.

Dan menurut gue pribadi, ketakutan terbesar seseorang secara manusia adalah makhluk sosial adalah mengambil resiko: BEING ALONE and FEEL LONELY. Gue nggak mau munafik, it’s really sucks when you have nobody around, especially when you need them most. But there’s once in a time that you have to through it and you just have to be strong, either you want it or not.

Huahaha ...
Topik gue kali ini berat banget ya?
Don’t blame me, but blame him :D

Well, pencarian akan jati diri inilah asal-muasal dari obrolan yang berkepanjangan antara gue sama dia.
And it lead me to a solution for him, meanwhile it became a boomerang for me...

X2

2007-04-23T16:11:00.000+07:00

Kemarin gue sama sekali nggak punya rencana untuk kemana2.
So, gue menghabiskan waktu di warnet sampe 3 jam.
Chatting sama temen2 gue, cek e-mail & FS, masuk2in CV, dan nggak lupa ngedit & update blog gue, terutama tulisan2 gue yang dulu, gue tambahin foto2 yang emang nggak pernah sempet gue masukin. (Hmm... Lebih tepatnya bukan karena nggak sempet siy, tapi gara2 kemaren2 koneksi internetnya lambat abiez, Sob!!!)

Lagi tunggu adik gue jemput secara di luar ujan deres banget, tiba2 Didie telepon.
“Hallo, Say ... Lagi aps ‘n dimandose niy? Nggak ada rencana ngups2 ato jalan2 tu? Ah, diana nggak cihuy! Ikke kan mau celebrate jomblonya ikke untuk yang ke-4 kalinya.”
Huehehehehe ... Dasar anak muda... Bahasanya ampun dewa :D (Tapi gue harus bikin pengakuan, [damn] oknum yang bikin mereka terpolusi kata “cihuy” adalah GUE :p)
Begitu gue denger dia jomblo rasa2nya gue nggak tega biarin dia sendirian.
Apalagi, di saat gue putus, justru dia, Agung & temen gue yang akhirnya bikin gue “bangkit” lagi itu yang ada di samping gue untuk menghibur dan ngelewatin that suckz moment.
Jadilah, meskipun gue lagi agak nggak enak badan dan cuma pegang uang seadanya, gue ketemuan sama Didie di Regal Citos jam setengah 9 malem.

Anyway, pas ketemuan, gue dengerin dia merepet, nyeritain semuanya.
Untung aja kemaren nggak ada acara nangis dayak seperti yang biasa dia bikin kalo dia putus.
Gue pikir karena ini udah ke-4 kalinya dia putus dengan orang yang sama, makanya dia udah cape nangis gara2 on-off ‘mulu kayak saklar.
Tapi ternyata itu karena dia udah kenyang nangis sebelumnya, dan abis itu, dia aerobic ngabisin tenaga biar nggak sedih lagi. (Huehehehe ... Dasar Leo. Gue ngerti banget daaaaaahhhh!!! Kalo dia lagi sedih larinya ke aerobic, kalo gue, setel lagu2 hip-hop ato R&B yang beat-nya okeh ‘n joget2 sampe bego di kamar :p)

So sudden Didie bilang, “Aduh, Booo, gue pingin banget deh dance2 bodoh di Second Floor. Kesana yuk, Say!!!”
Huaduh... Gue tergelitik banget tuh dengan tawaran yang satu itu.
Gue emang baru2 ini lagi pingin clubbing secara terakhir gue dugem itu sekitar setaun yang lalu sebelum si Babi ke NZ, tapi sampe sekarang nggak pernah ada yang bisa gue ajak.
Cuma yaaa ... Second Floor? Turungtungtung? Huiiii ... Nggak banget!!!
Beside, keadaan dompet gue sama sekali nggak memungkinkan :(
Gue kasihlah alesan, “Aduh, Hon ... Gue juga pingin banget. Tapi Second Floor ya? I’m not in the mood for techno neh.”
“Ya udah, ke X2 aja di PS. Pokoknya ‘tu tempat cihuy banget deh. Bla bla bla... dan ada R&B-nya juga.”
Doeng!!!! Begitu denger R&B, magnet clubbing gue kayak ditarik sama kutub yang pas.
Tiba2 gue baru keingetan satu hal.
Secara gue yang bawa mobil, adik gue wanti2 gue untuk telepon nyokap, nanyain dia minta dijemput ato nggak dari rumah nenek gue coz tadinya adik gue yang harusnya jemput doi.
“Aduh, gue kayaknya harus jemput nyokap deh, Die. Tapi belum tau jam berapa.”
“Ya udin. Telepon aja dulu begimane? Terus kalo nyokap nggak minta dijemput, minta izin aja kita mau lanjut.”
Akhirnya gue telepon nyokap.
Eh, ternyata dia lagi ngafe sama tante gue abis dari rumah nenek gue. Dan exit-permit-nya keluar. Gue dikasih pergi karena dia bakal dianter pulang sama oom gue. Hehehe ... Jarang2 gue dikasih dugem bawa2 mobil :p

Tapi tetep... dompet gue seperti njerit2 minta pulang.
Belum sempet ngomong apa2, Didie nyamber sambil tepuk2 dada, “Ayuhe tenang aja. Malem ini semua Tante Didie yang tanggung! Kan gue lagi celebrate!”
Gue langsung senyum pepsodent.

Dari situ bergeraklah kita ke kosan Didie di Kalibata untuk ambil baju secara dari situ dia gue suruh nginep di rumah.
Lumayan juga kali yeee kalo seandainya abis dugem, kaki pecah2, ke Kalibata dulu baru pulang.

Jam setengah 1 pagi sampelah kita di X2.
Tempatnya emang cihuy siy ... Tapi lebih cihuy lagi kalo ke sananya rame2.
(Gue langsung kangen sama Gembul ‘n Ariel secara kalo si Gembul lagi di Jakarta, pastinya kita suka dugem bareng berempat sama Didie ato berlima plus si Babi. Hxhxhxhx ...)
Jadilah gue ‘n Didie melantai, menggila berdua, dan yang pasti udah nggak peduli kanan-kiri.
Man, hip-hop really is my music! Nggak tau kenapa, gue selalu ngerasa semangat ‘n idup banget kalo gue denger hip-hop.

Lagi2 gue harus mengakui sesuatu.
Cover charge-nya jelas udah include minuman. Gue ‘n Didie sama2 pesen Heinneken.
Di tengah2 Didie nawarin minum lagi karena botol gue udah kosong. So, gue pesen minuman yang sama dengan harapan nggak cepet “naik”.
Mungkin gara2 seharian kemaren gue cuma makan bubur setengah porsi karena emang lagi males makan gara2 dapet, di botol yang kedua gue mulai rada melayang.
Tapi gue paksain untuk tetep sober! Soalnya ... Didie nggak bisa nyetir!!!!!
Kalo sampe gue tewas, siapa yang bakal nyetir pulang?
Bisa2 gue disemprot abis2an sama nyokap.
Untung aja, jam 3 kurang Didie minta pulang gara2 dia udah tersiksa sama selop tingginya.
Tapi, tunggu ...
“Lho, Die... Minuman loe nggak diabisin?”
“Nggak.”
“Kalo gitu, tunggu bentar.”
Lalu gue abisinlah Heinneken nganggur itu dengan beberapa kali tenggak.
Cuma itu conversation yang gue inget dengan pasti.
Sisanya kayak ketutupan kabut.
Huehehehe ... Dasar bodoh!!
(Terakhir gue baru tau kalo ternyata gue minum nyaris tiga botol secara Didie cuma minum nggak sampe setengah botol gara2 ada cewek jackpot tepat di kakinya.)

Yang gue inget juga, sampe mobil, gue sempet ngerokok dulu biar rada sober.
Gue bener2 ngerasa kayak orang melayang ditambah ngantuk luar biasa. Kepala gue berat banget!
Selama bawa mobil pun, kata Didie, gue lambat banget persis kura2, nggak pernah lepas dari gigi 3 ‘n kecepatan 40 km/jam, dan gue teriak2 bodoh ngikutin lagu yang gue repeat terus sampe pulang di tape mobil gue, Gasolina-nya Daddy Yankee.
Huehehe... Yang gue tau malah gue udah sampe rumah dengan selamat, entah gimana caranya, dan duduk manis di sofa kamar gue setelah kesadaran gue mulai ngumpul sembari ngobrol ‘n ngerokok bareng Didie sampe jam setengah 6 pagi.
Dan untungnya lagi, di luar kebiasaan, nyokap udah tidur pas gue sampe rumah.
Selameeeeettttt!!!!!
Jam setengah 10 pagi gue bangun dan anehnya, gue ngerasa fresh2 aja tuh :)
Kita ngobrol2 lagi sampe akhirnya Didie pulang jam setengah 2 siang.

Well, I really had a great time. Thanks, Didie ;)

- 22 April 2007 -

A Quote From Oprah

2007-04-21T14:15:00.000+07:00

There's a quote from Oprah and I think it's close to the reality (well, at least MY reality) :

"If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better."

Hell, I'll think about it ;)

Last Day With Vina

2007-04-20T12:48:00.000+07:00

Akhirnya hari ini janjian lagi sama Vina, Dika & Ngana.
Kali ini kita janjian di Regal Citos jam setengah 8.
FYI... Ngana nggak telat !!!
Huehehe... Hebat! Padahal doi pake meeting dulu (Ini pujian loh ;))

Gue dateng duluan, jam 7 lewat 10, dan langsung pesen tempat.
Secara Regal lagi rame berat, kita dapet tempat di luar.
Gue cengak-cengok belaga bego gara2 banyak orang yang udah ngincer tempat duduk yang emang udah gue pesen untuk 8 orang.
Hmppppffff... bikin senewen aja :p
Untunglah, waktu gue udah mati gaya setelah selesai cek e-mail via HP, Yanuar tiba2 telepon (ceritanya dia pamer punya Esia baru. Dasar!) ‘n mau nemenin gue ditelepon sampe Vina dateng jam 8 kurang (untung pake Esia! Hehe... Iklan banget seh? :p).
Baru ngobrol2 sebentar sama Vina, datenglah Ngana sambil cengar-cengir.
Nggak lama, Dika nongol.
Macem orang janjian, gue ‘n Dika sama2 pake baju item :p
Ceritanya Vina janjian juga sama Mega untuk ambil abon maminya Mega buat dibawa ke Belanda.
Udah ditunggu2, ternyata Mega muncul dari dalem Regal.
Bujet!!!!
Nggak ada yang notice gitu.
Mega nggak liat kita nongkring2 di luar, kita juga nggak liat dia dah masuk.
Ngrumpi2, ngegosip2, ketawa-ketiwi, foto2, dan lagi2, ngobrol ngalor-ngidul yang sebagian besar siy ngomongin “oknum A1 & A2” jaman kuliah dulu :p
Dasar wanita!!! :D

Kita ngups2 sampe jam setengah 11 malem.
Dan tadi, kita ditraktir Tony.
(Heel bedankt, Oom Tontje :D)
Sialnya niy, biasanya gue dapet diskon 10-15% secara gue pelanggan setia Regal Citos.
Tapi gara2 si Mas Daru, sang manajer, pulang sebelum kita bubaran, nggak dapetlah gue potongan harga itu.
Huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

Lagi2... Hxhxhxhx....
Sedih deh rasanya.
Abis, Vina harus pulang hari Jum’at dan belum apa2, gue udah kangen :(
(Hehe... Secara sahabat2 gue banyak yang tinggal atawa studi di luar negeri, tiap kali mereka kudu balik, gue pasti jadi sentimentil cenderung cengeng. Huhuhu... Akuw ditinggal! :p)
Well, at least I did have great times selama Vina di Jakarta ;)

Nggak sabar rasanya nunggu taun depan untuk ketemu Vina lagi :)
Dan nggak lupa, sama Tony Jr. tentunya :D

Ik mis jullie al !!!!

- 18 April 2007 -

Nothing Much

2007-04-16T14:02:00.000+07:00

Hari ini gue nggak kemana2.
Badan pegel2, emosi sama sekali nggak stabil, kayaknya periode dah mulai deket.
So, I just stay at home and do some stuffs.
Kemaren2 gue sempet narcist, foto2 sendiri di kamar :p
Jadilah gue iseng utak-atik foto2 itu di Photoshop, yang nyebelinnya udah mulai ngaco berat.
Nggak tau kenapa, komputer gue kayaknya udah mulai dodol gitu.
Menyebalkan :(
Padahal, itu satu2nya hiburan gue kalo gue lagi males nonton DVD.

Anyway, nggak tau kenapa, hari ini gue ngerasa sakit ati, sekaligus kangen berat sama mantan gue itu.
Gue tiba2 aja keinget gimana dinginnya dia, gimana saat itu dia bener2 udah ngelukain hati gue dengan kata2nya yang sedikit-banyak cenderung nyalahin gue atas segala hal, tapi di waktu yang bersamaan gue juga kangen sama dia yang dulu.
Dia yang selalu ada buat gue, dia yang selalu ngelindungin gue, dia yang hampir selalu khawatirin gue, juga nyariin gue.
Dan itu semua bikin gue berkaca2, nyaris nangis.

Hahaha ...
Bodoh! Padahal belum tentu dia juga lagi kepikiran gue, secara dia pasti lagi seneng2nya kerja di tempat baru, dengan adanya cewek yang dia bilang dia ngerasa "klik" itu.
Well, hope he finds his new life there and I bet he already has :)

Well, that's life :)
But I believe that someday there will be smiles on my lips ;)

- 15 April 2007-

Oh La La

2007-04-16T13:37:00.000+07:00

Siang ini gue ketemuan lagi sama Vina ‘n Tony di PS.
Tapi kali ini gue nggak salah ambil selop loh :D

Yang rencana kumpul hari ini: gue, Dika, Otep ‘n Ngana.
Judulnya Icenong (Ikatan Cewek2 Nongkrong) plus ... Otep :D
Cuma Ngana pada akhirnya nggak bisa dateng gara2 sakit.
Dude, kerja di TV bener2 bikin dia makin kayak tulang jalan.
Kuruuuuussss banget anak itu macem nggak pernah dikasih makan berapa bulan.
So, yang nongol hari ini: gue, Vina, Tony, Otep, Dika ‘n cowoknya, Bieng.

Kita sempet makan di Food Court, dari situ lanjut ke Oh La La secara gue ‘n Bieng emang sama2 punya kebiasaan buruk :p
Untung Vina pengertian :)
Huhuuu ... Sayang banget gue sama sahabat gue yang satu itu.

Hahahaha ... Lucunya, kita sempet ngamprok si Seno sama ceweknya, Inay, lagi cari makanan di Food Court.
Seno ini junior gue yang dulu sempet nggebet Vina.
Jadi temu kangen deh tu :p

Well, nothing much, today.
Cuma ngobrol2 ngalor-ngidul, bodoh2an, Dika sempet ambek2an sama Bieng, foto2 culun, snap shot2, but still fun, though ;)
Soalnya di mana ada Vina, pasti di situ ada ketawa :D
Sayang Vina di Jakarta cuma sampe hari Kamis.
Jum’at dia balik ke Belanda karena cuti suaminya udah abis :(
Mudah2an gue masih bisa ketemu dia lagi sebelum dia balik :)
Huaaaaaaaa ... Harus nunggu taun depan deh untuk ketemuan lagi.
Tapi taun depan, dia bakal dateng bertiga, sama the next Valentino Rossi Jr. (secara bapaknya seneng banget sama balap motor) calon ponakankuwww ;)

- 14 April 2007-

Stupid Doesn't Play VS Vina Come Home :)

2007-04-16T12:52:00.000+07:00

Tadi sore gue agak leyeh2 sambil nonton DVD di jam setengah 4 yang panas giling.
Ceritanya gue dan temans NL ’98 janjian ketemuan secara Vina ‘n suaminya ada di Jakarta.
Yippie !!!! Akhirnya ketemu Vinaaaaaa !!!! I miss her soooo much !
Tadinya Megol lempar ide di milis untuk ketemuan di Regal PIM 1 secara dia chat sama Bita ‘n Ngana supaya kita ganti suasana, jangan di PS ‘mulu biar nggak bosen.
Reaksi keras dateng dari Markitong Pararotong.
Katanya dia ngajar di Sudirman sampe jam setengah 7, kejauhan kalo ke PIM. So, salam aja buat Vina sama Tony dari dia.
Itulah sejarahnya kenapa akhirnya kita ketemuan di Pizza Marzano Sency, jam 6 sore.
Tapi malah justru si Markitong yang nggak dateng !!!!!
(Hehe ... Sebenernya gue lagi nggak pegang duit sama sekali. Untung ada donatur pengertian yang kasih gue sedikit modal. Thanks, Mom ;) )

Gue yakin anak2 itu pasti banyak yang ngaret.
Tapi begitu gue inget, booooo .... Vina pasti on time!
Langsung aja gue ngibrit buat siap2 karena niatnya gue mau nge-blow rambut segala.
Duh ... Tamu dari jauh ya, Jooooo !!!!
Masa’ kita ngelomprot? Di Sency pula ! :p
Alarm HP gue bunyi. Jam 5 !!!
Waaa ... Moestopo pastinya macet giling !
Jadilah gue lari2 ambil kunci mobil, pake sendal jepit buat nyetir, nyamber selop item hak tinggi gue, dan brrrrmmm ... ngebutlah gue ke Sency dengan Boluna-ku tercinta.
Bener dugaan gue. Moestopo macet abis2an!
Mana di Pakubuwono traffic-nya kacau berat! Semrawut!
Sampelah gue di Sency jam 6 kurang 10.
Udah dapet parkir (Damn!!! Tempat parkirnya nggak enak banget!!! Sempit!!!), buru2 deh gue ganti sendal jepit karet itu dengan hak tinggi yang pastinya bakal bikin gue keliatan sexy :p
Tapi apa yang terjadi????
Man !!!!! Gue salah ambil selop!!!! Stupid doesn’t play !!!
Dua2nya emang selop gue, emang sama2 item & hak tinggi.
Tapi modelnya beda, dan parahnya, tinggi mereka beda 2 cm !
Gue sengaja jalan setengah sa’i, biar nggak keliatan kayak orang pincang.
Gimana nggak????
Yang kiri lebih tinggi dari yang kanan !!!!!
Rencana mau terlihat sexy, malah jadi kayak orang invalid :(
Untungnya (Dasar orang Jawa. Pasti aja ada kata untungnya :p) jeans gue panjangnya nyentuh lantai, jadi ketutupan gitu.

Gue sempet yang nyasar nyari2 di mana ‘tu restoran.
Udah nanya pak satpam segala, tapi tetep aja nggak nemu.
Sambil jalan, gue sok2 telepon temen gue biar nggak keliatan kayak anak ilang di tengah Sency yang super geda.
Abis, temen2 gue yang gue telepon pada belum dateng semua, ‘n gue nggak bisa reach nomornya Vina.
Pffiiiuuhh ...
Setelah muter2 15 menit, akhirnya ketemu juga restoran keparat itu!
Ternyata letaknya ada di dalem departemen store, Sodara2!!! Pantes aja nggak keliatan.

Vina, Tony ‘n Titin udah pada duduk2.
Aduh, lucu banget deh.
Gue nggak pernah kebayang, temen gue yang dulunya kurus kerontang sekarang perutnya jadi gendut karena ada baby yang udah jalan 5 bulan mendekam di situ.
Gimana gue bisa ngebayangin?
Yang namanya Vina itu, jaman kuliah dulu nggak pernah punya pacar.
Sebenernya penggemarnya banyak banget, secara dia orangnya aktif, loveable ‘n pinter nyanyi. (Intermezzo. Dulu gue, Vina, Ngana ‘n Meity, tergabung di satu vokal group yang punya nama De Vlinders a.k.a Butterflies)
Tapi dia emang nggak mau aja pacaran coz dia pingin banget nerusin S2, dan saking terlalu aktifnya, dia males kalo sampe punya pacar yang halang2in impiannya dia.
Dia nggak suka banget sama bule.
Padahal jaman itu, temen2 gue yang lain pada gencar nyari pacar bule.
Dan terbukti, nggak lama setelah lulus, dua orang temen seangkatan gue diboyong ke Belanda sama suami mereka.
Hehehe ... Kalo gue pribadi, di masa itu gue juga nggak nyari2 bule coz selain emang gue lebih tertarik sama pribumi, gue “stuck” sama senior gue yang saat itu adalah pacar gue for 4 f*****g years.
Dan satu lagi, Vina nggak suka anak kecil! Buat dia, anak kecil itu ngerepotin, bikin ribet.

Tapi akhirnya, dari kita De Vlinders, dia duluan yang married, punya suami bule, sekarang hamil pula.
Hahaha ... Dunia ini lucu, ya? Bisa berbalik2 gitu.
Anyway, dia sama sekali nggak berubah.
Masih aja cerewet, rame, ekspresif, sama sekali nggak berubah.

Nggak lama, Mega dateng, disusul Mba Bita.
Suasana makin rame secara Bita juga ternyata lagi ‘isi’ 3 bulan.
Kabar menggemparkan juga dateng dari Mega coz rencananya dia mau merit bulan Juli/Agustus taun ini.
Heeee???
Itu rada heboh yeee ... Secara Megol ini pencetus ide poliandri karena dia masih seneng gonta-ganti pacar.
Abis itu, Dewi nongol dengan badannya yang mulai kembali normal karena baru aja ngelahirin anak ke-3, diikutin Menu yang nggandeng pacar barunya, Anggoro. (PS: R-nya harus dibaca pake spelling Inggris :D)
Nggak lama, Otep dateng sama ceweknya coz dia dah janji mau kenalin kita2 orang sama Dudut, pacarnya tersayang.
Terakhir, datenglah miss altijd te laat alias si tukang telat, Renny a.k.a Cengir a.k.a Ngana :D

Gue sama Vina sempet ngerumpi, ternyata setelah sekian taun, biarpun udah ada yang berumah tangga, udah pada gawe, cuma penampilan luar kita aja yang berubah. Tapi karakter kita sama sekali nggak ada yang berubah.
Yang pendiem tetep pendiem, yang cerewet tetep cerewet, yang down sindrom tetep achterlijk, yang heboh tetep heboh, intinya, nggak ada satupun dari kita yang berubah.
Kebukti, Pizza Marzano jadi kayak Kansas gara2 kita ketawa2 ngakak ‘n heboh banget.
Apalagi waktu Vina ngegelar cokelat yang dia bawa.
Bah! Langsung pada rebutan kayak anak kecil nggak pernah dikasih mainan.
Karena banyak surprise dari mereka2, gue udah ngerasa aman.
Baguslah, jadi gue lepas dari topik pembicaraan :p
Tapi ternyata ...
“Yu, kok loe kurusan? Baru putus, ya?” tiba2 aja si Menu ngagetin gue.
“Iya, ‘tu. Profile FS sempet berubah neh kayaknya,” sambung Mega.
“Sama cowok yang foto berdua loe di FS loe itu, ya? Yang ngasih loe testi bejibun?” kata Titin.
‘Monyoooonggg,’ semprot gue dalem ati.
Gue senyum2 aja.
“Cerita dong, Yu,” sambung Menu.
“Kalo kurusan sih nggak lah. Orang gue makan banyak banget. Larinya nggak ke badan, Nu. Tapi ke perut! Yah, intinya siy, gue jadian, terus 9 hari kemudian gue diputusin deh. Gitu doang,” jawab gue sekenanya sambil minum gara2 mati gaya. Kalo bisa ngerokok, gue pasti langsung nyulut rokok. Sial! Non smoking area !!!!
“Haaa??? Kok bisa gitu?” kata si Menu lagi, dengan mata melotot khas ikan mas koki.
Sementara Mega, Bita, Titin pada ngeliatin gue dengan mata ngarep ada lanjutan gosip.
“Yee, namanya juga diputusin, Nu. Mau gimana lagi? Ya, gitu deeehh.”
“Ya udahlah, Boooo. Cari aja yang laeeen,” kata Mega pake dialek bencong salonnya.
Hehe ... Mungkin dia tau gue udah panik :p

Gosh, it’s been years, tapi mereka tetep aja mereka yang dulu, mereka yang heboh, dan gue ngerasa kayak lagi duduk di Kansas, di tengah temen2 gue yang selalu bikin gempar seantero Kansas. Jaman kita kuliah, siapa yang nggak kenal anak2 Belanda ’98? Suara udah pada kayak toa dan nggak ada yang tau manner secara 90% urat malu udah pada ketinggalan di Puncak, September’98 :D

Mungkin kita emang udah nggak bisa sedeket dulu karena adanya kesibukan sama kerjaan dan keluarga masing2, but they will always be my lovely friends and I feel blessed coz I have them :)

Lang Leven, NL ’98 !!!! Hoera, hoera, hoera !!!!

- 13 April 2007-

Astaga Nagabonar !!!!

2007-04-12T17:22:00.000+07:00

Minggu ini jadwal ngajar gue sedikit berubah.
Mustinya gue ngajar si Neng setiap hari Selasa.
Tapi karena dia nggak enak badan, jadilah gue ngajar dia hari ini.
Selesai belajar komputer, Neng minta ditemenin nonton sinetron Intan.
Lagi nonton gitu, tiba2 HP gue berdering.
Otomatis mata si Neng nggak lepas2 dari gue, ke HP gue, balik ke gue, balik lagi ke HP gue dengan mulut menganga.

“Siapa, Mba?”
“Bude Ning,” jawab gue.
“Bude Ning kenapa?”
Belum sempet gue jawab, dia nyerocos lagi, “Ih, HP-nya pink! Ada kamera kayak HP Neng nggak? Ada yaa ... Neng liat foto2nya dong.”
Hehehe ...
Lucu juga anak itu. Secara dia penggemar berat warna pink, kebalikan dari gue.
Menurut gue, pink itu cewek banget. Warna yang lemah. Menggelikan.
That’s why, bukannya gue benci pink, tapi gue sebisa mungkin menghindari pink, kecuali pink gonjreng, segonjreng gue :D
Huehehe ...
Halah, kenapa jadi ngelantur? Lanjut !!!

So, gue biarinlah si Neng utak-atik HP gue, sementara gue nerusin nonton Intan yang lagi seru2nya.
Dikit2 dia tanya, “Ini siapa, Mba? Kalo yang ini? Ini di mana, Mba? Emang Mba masih sekolah ya? Yang ini cantik deh. Yang itu ganteng.”
Gue nonton antara konsen/nggak konsen.
Gimana nggak? Gue harus selalu jelasin sampe dia puas. Kalo nggak, dia bakal terus tepuk2 pundak gue.
Dia lucu banget kalo lagi penasaran. Merepet kayak sepur.
Tapi kan Intan-nya lagi seru. Si Rado mati !!!! Lho??? Kok curhat?? :D

Sampe akhirnya, “Ih, bosen! Ini siapa sih, Mba? Diaaa mulu diaaa mulu!”
Sambil ngomong gitu, dia sodorin ‘tu HP tepat di depan muka gue.
Gue langsung nyengir kuda.
“Ooo ... Itu Mas Raymond. Kan Neng pernah kenalan di telepon. Yang waktu telepon pake HP-nya Neng itu lho.”
“Neng lupa. O iya ... Yang pernah telepon pake HP Neng, ya? Mas Emon pacarnya Mba Ayu itu ya?” (Hehe... “R”-nya ilang secara dia rada cadel.)
“Bukan.”
“Mas Emon bilang, pacar.”
Hxhxhx ... Tumben2an dia inget. Biasanya dia langsung lupa. Semprul!

“Mba udah putus.”
“Kesiaaan deh loe. Kok bisa putus?”
Aduh ni anak ... Udah gue jawabnya secuek mungkin sambil nonton biar dia bosen nanya2, eh, dia malah makin gencar.

“Kenapa nggak bisa?” jawab gue, tetep cuek.
Dalam sepersekian detik, sesuatu kelintas di pikiran gue, ‘Astaga nagabonar! Apa gara2 gue suka banget sama film How To Loose A Guy In 10 Days, gue jadi loose my guy in 9 days?’
Huehehe .. Kebiasaan.
Kalo emang bisa, gue selalu nyoba memandang segala sesuatu dari sisi culunnya biar idup nggak dibawa susah :D

“Mbaaaa ... Kenapa putus?”
Huaduh, pertanyaannya diulang lagi secara gue belum jawab2 gara2 lagi kepikiran hal konyol itu.
Akhirnya gue nyaut sambil ketawa2, “Neng aja boleh putus sama Adit. Masa Mba nggak boleh putus sama Mas Emon? Hayooo ... Neng kenapa putus sama Adit?”
Sontak dia njerit, “Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh, Neng udah pacaran lagi sama Adit kok.”
Sambil ngomong gitu dia taro HP gue, langsung jalan masuk ke kamar sembari cengar-cengir.
‘Selameeeetttt,’ kata gue dalem ati.

Gara2 itu, sampe di rumah, setelah sekian lama gue nggak ngeliat diary, gue terpikir untuk nyentuh notes biru itu lagi.
Bukannya gue nggak mau.
Selain nggak mood nulis gara2 keasikan nulis buat blog, tiap kali gue nyentuh yang namanya diary, gue suka iseng baca2 doi dari awal.
Dan diary gue yang terbaru, isinya diaaa semua.

Gimana dia nelepon gue tiap hari, apa aja yang gue dan dia omongin selama di telepon, sms2 dia buat gue yang hampir selalu bikin gue senyum2 sendiri, perhatian2 dia, pergi ke mana aja gue sama dia, kita ngapain aja, air mata gue, air mata dia, senyum gue, senyum dia, semua gue toreh di situ.
Bukannya gue mau ngelupain dia.
He’s too good to be forgotten. (Halah ... dangdut amat :D)
Gue justru punya keyakinan, kalo gue mau get over someone/something, hal yang harus gue lakukan adalah let it flow, kalo perlu, amprokin sekalian.
Intinya nggak nahan2 apa yang ada di hati sama otak gue.
Ntar bukannya get over, malah makin2.
Kalo kepikiran ya nikmatin, kalo lagi nggak, ya nggak usah dicari2.
Macem dia juga mikirin gue ... Headache! (Uhm ... Kalimat ini bacanya kudu pake intonasi yang tepat secara ceritanya ini bahasa gaul yang nge-trend kurang-lebih 3 taun yang lalu :D)
Tapi emang gue lagi bener2 males nulis diary, ditambah gue juga lagi seneng2nya kembali ke hobby gue, nonton DVD semalem suntuk. (Nah, bagian yang semalem suntuk ini bukannya apa2. DVD-nya boleh minjem dari temen gue, biar bisa gue balikin cepet :p)

Anyway, gue menyentuh diary gue yang tergeletak tak berdaya selama berhari2 di laci gue.
Semua memori tentang dia yang udah tidur ngorok di otak gue kayak di-refresh.
Tapinya yaaa ... Tadi gue nggak baca diary itu dengan air mata seperti yang gue lakukan tepat seminggu yang lalu, tapi dengan sesungging senyum di bibir gue.
(Huehehe ... Udah seminggu toh gue nggak nangis? Bangganya saya :D)
Batin gue chit-chat, ‘Nggak nyangka deh. Dulu gue sama dia bisa sedeket itu. Lucu juga. Ternyata gue pernah ngerasa sebahagia itu karena dia. Gue pernah ngerasa sedeg2an itu deket2 dia. Gue pernah nangis sekejer itu gara2 kangen dia. Gue pernah semarah itu gara2 dia. Gue pernah ... Hmmm, seandainya gue nggak pernah ketemu dia, ato nggak pernah sedeket itu sama dia, gue dan dia bakal gimana yaaaa?’
Dan lagi2, gue senyum ...

Begitu mata gue tertuju ke penanggalan, gue baru ‘ngeh’.
Pantes aja udah berapa hari ini nyokap ngomel2 ngeliat perut gue yang buncit secara gue makan gila2an kayak sapi. Abis gue gampang banget laper.
Pantes aja gue ngerasa pegel2, padahal selain nyetir, ato jalan PP warnet, ato nyuci, gue nggak bikin sesuatu yang buat gue cape.
Pantes aja emosi gue nggak stabil. Sedetik ketawa, sedetik manyun, sedetik cerewet, sedetik diem, sedetik ngomel, dan nggak sedetikpun sabar :D
Pantes gue juga jadi sentimentil.
Dasar cewek PMS !!!

- 11 April 2007-

Happy Birthday

2007-04-11T17:40:00.000+07:00

- 10 April 2007-

Today is my dad's b'day.
Wish I could give him something ...
Something that could make him proud of me.
But darn ...
I still can't give that to him, yet.

But someday, I'll make you proud of me, Dad.
I'll do my best to make you smiling with satisfaction when you see me.
Coz I'll be your little girl who'll become a fine woman,
And you'll see that part of me grows beautifully with your love.

God, please give him the best in this life.
Please give him health so he could be there for us on our wedding day.
Please guard him so he could be strong in his loneliness.
Please give him long age so he could see us the way he wants to see us.
Please give him happiness for always ...
Coz he's my breath and I'm proud that he's my dad ...

Happy 61st Birthday, Bapakku Sayang :)

-- Luv you always ... Mmuuaacchh--

Tanpa Menunggu Setahun :D

2007-04-10T20:32:00.000+07:00

Kemaren akhirnya gue jalan sama Uda Anto.
Yipppiiiieee !!!!
Setelah terakhir gue maksa2 dia nemenin gue ke kawinan temen kuliah gue beberapa bulan yang lalu, bulan November kalo nggak salah, kemarin akhirnya gue bisa jalan lagi sama dia.
Bener2 di luar kebiasaan :p
Yah, sebenernya gue rada kesel, secara tadinya gue pingin nonton, eh, dia malah ajak gue liat2 mobil second di Kemayoran.
Untung gue suka mobil :D
Mobil dia yang sekarang udah dodol berat gitu.
Emang siy, dari gue kenal dia 14 taon yang lalu, mobil Accord-nya itu setia banget nemenin dia dari jaman SD.

Tapi ...
Udah 14 taun gue kenal dia, tetep aja yang namanya ketemu bisa cuma setaun sekali.
Kalo nggak pas ultah dia, ya ultah gue.
So, pas dia bilang mau ditemenin cari mobil untuk gantiin Accord-nya yang bobrok itu, jadilah gue hayuh2 aja.
Lumayan, diisiin bensin, ditraktir makan, dan ... dibeliin ES KRIM !!!!
Huahaha ...
Emang dasar MURAHAN :))
Tapi yang terpenting ... akhirnya GUE JALAN SAMA DIA ;)

Setelah setaun dia ngumpet2in, akhirnya dia cerita juga tentang ceweknya.
Selama ini yang gue tau cuma dia punya cewek, that's all.
Gue nggak ngerti deh sama cowok.
Dari pertama kali gue punya cowok, gue selalu cerita sama dia.
Nggak terlalu detil, tapi minimal dia tau nama cowok gue, gue ketemu dimana, hal2 global macem itu. (Hmm ... Kecuali waktu gue jadi sama mantan gue yang pertama, I told him how it feels when you have your first kiss :p)

Sementara dia?
Gue tau pertama dia punya cewek cuma seniornya di kampus jaman kuliah.
Dia nggak pernah mau kasih tau namanya.
Dan selama pacaran, dia selalu menghindari gue.
Pada akhirnya gue tau semuanya setelah dia putus bahwa ceweknya nggak kasih dia untuk berhubungan sama gue biarpun gue cuma sahabatnya.
Dengan kata lain, ceweknya CEMBURUAN .

Nah, sekarang ini, ceweknya pernah satu kantor sama dia.
Dan setelah mereka pacaran setahun, gue baru tau nama ceweknya, secara kita lagi ngobrol2 ngalor-ngidul dan gue rasa dia juga lagi nggak ada beban untuk cerita.
Gue tanya sambil cengar-cengir ke dia, "Cewek loe nggak cemburu gue jalan sama loe? Salut gue !!!"
Dia bilang, "Dia nggak tau kale kalo gue jalan sama loe. Males aja ngejelasinnya."
Sumpah ya ...
Gue sedih loh dengernya ...
Kesannya gue diumpetin jadi kayak selingkuhan gitu.
Memuakkan :(

Kalo gue punya cowok, gue selalu kenalin cowok gue ke semua temen2 gue, baik cowok maupun cewek, biar dia tau pergaulan gue dan seberapa jauh hubungan gue sama mereka, supaya dia nggak cemburu buta.
Kenapa buat cowok semuanya beda ya?

Well, dia nggak pernah berubah dari jaman pertama kita deket ketika gue masih pake seragam putih-ijo dan dia putih-biru.
Dia tetep orang yang menyebalkan, orang yang gampang bikin gue naik darah, orang yang hampir selalu ingkar janji dengan mengemukakan satu alasan memuakkan yang udah gue hafal di luar kepala, tapi lucunya, dia tetep orang yang selalu sweet sama gue di saat kita ketemuan.
Yang penting, kemaren gue jalan2 sama Uda Anto tanpa nunggu setaun :D

- 9 April 2007 -

Break Up

2007-04-08T17:39:00.000+07:00

Dua hari yang lalu, akhirnya gue putus sama dia.
Atau lebih tepatnya, dia putusin gue karena dia nggak bisa ngelawan hati nuraninya, karena apa yang ada di antara kita bikin dia nggak nyaman, karena ... yah, seribu satu 'karena' yang tetep aja pada intinya, 'PUTUS'.

Sedih, kecewa, marah, nggak rela, semua jadi satu.
Dan untuk pertama kalinya dalam sejarah pacaran gue, I beg my boyfriend to stay.
Pasti semua orang bakal bilang, 'Idih, nggak loe banget!' ato 'Kemana larinya harga diri loe?'
Tapi toh, semenjak gue jadian, gue udah nggak punya yang namanya harga diri.
Dia bener2 berusaha menghindari gue selama kita pacaran dan gue berusaha untuk tutup mata dan kuping gue tentang hal itu karena sesuatu yang gue yakini.
Rasa sayang gue akan membuat gue bertahan dalam keadaan apapun, dan kesabaran gue akan membuahkan hasil yang manis.
Bodoh? Ah, menurut gue, setiap manusia pasti punya pengharapan.
Bodoh atau nggaknya, kalau udah bicara masalah hati, nggak ada orang yang berhak bilang seseorang itu bodoh, meskipun secara logika, mungkin itu memang hal yang bodoh.
Itu semua adalah masalah pilihan.
Dan pilihan yang gue ambil saat itu, mencoba bertahan untuk apa yang gue yakinin.

Gue sempet bertanya2, kenapa Tuhan kasih gue untuk jalanin ini semua sama dia?
Apa Tuhan udah salah kasih gue jalan?
Apa Tuhan nggak sayang sama gue lagi?
Betapa dosanya gue karena udah ngeraguin jalan yang Dia kasih.

Tapi gue cuma manusia biasa.
Pada akhirnya, gue punya beberapa kesimpulan.

Di hari dia beraniin diri untuk maju, dia memang yang terbaik untuk gue.
Dan pada saat kita jalan bareng pun, dia masih yang terbaik untuk gue, meskipun gue nggak bisa bohong, sedikit-banyak, sikapnya selama kita jalanin ini untuk 9 hari, cukup menyakitkan.
Tapi justru itulah yang terbaik buat gue karena gue tersadar, mungkin selama 4 tahun ini, gue udah banyak bikin itu ke orang lain, meskipun keinginan gue hanyalah untuk membentengi diri dan perasaan gue sendiri.
Gue rasa, Tuhan pingin gue tau, bahwa dia pun bisa jadi seseorang yang bener2 di luar dugaan gue.
Bahwa dia punya sifat yang nggak pernah gue tau sebelumnya dan nggak akan pernah gue tau seandainya aja dia nggak pernah jadi cowok gue.
Dan semua itu baru bisa gue lihat setelah ini semua lewat.
Gue bersyukur, karena meskipun sebentar, gue udah dikasih kesempatan untuk punya "cerita" bersama2 dengan orang yang gue sayang.

Dan gue bersyukur, gue tau itu semua sebelum perasaan gue berkembang lebih jauh.
Dan karena hal itulah, sekarang Tuhan kasih gue jalan ini, jalan yang terbaik buat gue dan dia di mata-Nya.

Gue mungkin memang mempertanyakan semua ini sama Tuhan, sama diri gue sendiri, juga sama sahabat gue.
Tapi satu yang gue sadari betul, gue tidak pernah menyesal dengan semua ini.
Gue masih inget kata2nya ketika gue bilang terima kasih atas semuanya.

"Terima kasih? Juga karena gue udah nyakitin loe?" kira2 begitulah yang dia bilang.

Buat gue, dia pernah jadi seseorang yang terbaik dan terindah di kehidupan gue.
Dia juga yang udah bukain mata hati gue, membuat gue merasakan hal2 yang udah lama nggak gue rasain.
Membuat gue ngelupain gengsi gue yang setinggi gunung dengan menitikkan air mata gue, bahkan meraung untuk seseorang yang berarti untuk gue tepat di hadapan dia.
Dan karena dia, gue belajar lagi untuk lebih peka terhadap orang lain setelah gue keilangan skill itu beberapa tahun yang lalu.
Untuk semuanya itu, gue bener2 berterima kasih, kepada dia, juga Tuhan.
Masalah dia pernah menyakiti gue ... Menurut gue, itu semua hanya karena dia nggak pernah tau kalau dia udah nyakitin gue.
So, i've forgive him karena gue tau dia nggak pernah bermaksud begitu ...

Dalam hitungan bulan, Tuhan minta gue buka hati gue yang udah lama beku.
Dalam hitungan menit, dia jadi seseorang yang paling berarti buat gue dan dalam hitungan hari, dia diambil pergi dari kehidupan gue.
Tapi itulah waktu2 terbaik yang Tuhan kasih buat gue dan dia.
Gue yakin, semua yang terjadi di antara dia dan gue adalah pembelajaran yang baik untuk kita berdua.
Do'a gue hanya supaya dia nggak pernah ngerasain apa yang gue rasa dan dia selalu bahagia.
Dia orang yang sangat baik ... Hanya sedikit kurang peka dan egois.
Kekurangan yang pernah juga jadi kekurangan gue.

Ada sesuatu yang bikin gue senyum2 sendiri.
Gue bener2 loose contact sama salah satu temen gue for 1 year, dan gue bener2 nggak peduli lagi dengan keberadaan dia.
Dan beberapa hari sebelum gue putus, dia kirim message and say sorry for what he did.
Gue sempet yang, 'Seenaknya minta2 maaf! Kemana aja loe???'
Tapi toh akhirnya gue maafin dia juga.
Karena gue tau, dia berusaha untuk memperbaiki semuanya dengan gue dan semua temen2 gue yang lain.
Dan di hari gue putus, selain gue ketemu temen gue yang emang juga temen dia, gue ketemu dia.
Ajaibnya, justru dia yang bikin gue bangkit, nyulut semangat gue untuk stand up.

Gue nggak cerita detil tentang kenapa gue putus, tapi gue yakin mereka bisa liat dari penampilan gue yang awut2an, jauh dari biasanya, dan dari tatapan mata gue yang kosong.
Gue udah nggak bisa nangis, tapi justru kata2nya saat itu yang bikin gue berkaca2 terharu. Dia bilang (dan gue masih inget kata2 persisnya),

"Yu, dulu, loe pernah ngebantu gue. Bukan sahabat gue, tapi justru loe, orang yang pasti bakal eneg sama gue yang mellow secara loe sendiri keras 'n dingin mampus. Seumur hidup gue, gue nggak akan pernah lupa sama hal itu. Loe yang bukain mata gue kalau seburuk2nya gue, gue masih deserve yang terbaik dalam hidup gue. Kata2 loe emang sadis. Tapi justru itu yang bikin gue bangkit. Inget nggak, loe pernah bilang sama gue waktu gue BT pas ketemu loe terakhir di Regal, 'Udahlah!!! Cewek kayak gitu aja dipikirin. Masih banyak cewek yang jauh lebih baik dari dia! Tapi gini deh. Kalo loe bt, bt aja. Kalo loe mau marah, marah aja. Kalo loe ngerasa sakit ati, rasain aja sakitnya hari ini. Hari ini loe boleh ancur2an, dan gue bakal ada di sini buat loe selama yang loe butuhin. Tapi mulai besok, jangan pernah nangis lagi, nggak usah ngerasa sakit ati lagi. Nggak worth it, tau! Gue yakin loe bakal lebih tegar dari loe yang sekarang. Nggak ada orang yang berhak nyakitin loe kecuali loe rela disakitin. Percaya deh sama gue. Loe pasti bisa ngelewatin ini semua dan loe pasti bakal ketawa bodoh kalo loe inget pernah begini. Kalo gue percaya loe bisa survive, masa loe nggak percaya sama diri loe sendiri? Kalo loe nggak yakin sama diri loe sendiri, bearti gue salah menilai loe selama ini!'

Sekarang gue balikin kata2 loe. Ayu yang gue kenal itu kuat banget. Loe pernah buktiin itu bertahun2 lamanya. Kalo gue percaya loe bisa, masa loe nggak? Bearti gue salah menilai loe selama ini!"

Anjrut, pedes amat yak?

Still, itu cukup membuat gue sadar kalo gue masih punya sisa tenaga untuk bangkit lagi.

Gue sama sekali nggak sakit ati dengan apa yang dia bilang :)

Tapi jujur, gue sendiri aja udah lupa kalo gue pernah ngomong gitu ke dia.
Dan kalaupun gue pernah ngomong, gue nggak nyangka segitu bermaknanya ucapan gue itu buat dia.

Apa karena ucapan gue sebegitu sadisnya?
Well, gue cuma melakukan apa yang yang harusnya gue lakukan dan nggak lebih dari itu.
Tapi apa yang pernah gue lakukan di masa lalu ternyata bisa membuat gue survive di saat gue pikir gue bakal ambruk.

So the point is, gue nggak pernah nyesel bahwa dia pernah jadi bagian terindah di hidup gue meskipun singkat.
Gue nggak pernah dan nggak akan pernah bisa membenci dia.
Biar gimana, dia pernah jadi pilihan hati gue, juga jawaban dari keraguan yang gue panjatin lewat do'a gue, dan gue bersyukur karena di saat itu dialah orangnya dan bukan orang lain.
Tapi gue dan dia memang punya jalan pikiran dan pandangan yang sangat berbeda.
Cuma itu ....

Dan justru di saat dia diambil pergi dari gue, Tuhan mengembalikan orang yang udah lama pergi dari kehidupan gue dan karena dia-lah gue bisa berdiri lagi.
Ternyata ... Tuhan emang sayang sama gue 'n I thank Him for that :)

- 6 April 2007 -

Coincidence

2007-04-06T09:11:00.000+07:00

Hmmm ...

Kali ini gue rasa, gue lagi pingin aja nulis dalam bahasa Indonesia.
Yah, meskipun bukan bahasa yang baik dan benar :D

Beberapa hari yang lalu, gue chat sama temen gue.
Dan bahasan kita kali itu adalah apa yang disebut dengan "kebetulan".
Singkat kata, dia cerita kalau diminta bosnya untuk telepon salah satu client.
Jadilah dia telepon itu nomor.
Dan tiba2 aja, dia syok secara yang angkat telepon itu justru orang yang selama beberapa tahun ini udah dia coba lupain karena dia nggak pernah punya kesempatan untuk say thanks to him for everything he did for her secara 'tu cowok emang bener2 "ngilang".
Dia tutuplah 'tu telepon.
Pas dia liat lagi nomor yang harus dia telepon, cuma 1 nomor terakhir yang beda antara si client dengan cowok itu.
Dari sekian juta kombinasi angka, kenapa juga harus angka yang persis sama, hanya beda 1 nomor?
Dan kenapa juga, dia harus neken tombol angka yang justru nyambungin dia ke cowok itu?
Waktu dia cerita, gue cuma senyum2.
Karena gue pun juga sedang memikirkan hal yang nyaris sama, yang berhubungan dengan kata "kebetulan" itu.
Dan ketika dia tanya sama gue, kok bisa sih "kebetulan" itu terjadi?
Jawaban yang gue kasih saat itu:

Yang namanya kebetulan itu memang nggak pernah disangka2, dan kadang juga memang karena adanya rahasia Tuhan.
We never know what will happen or what the hell is happening ketika kita sedang menjalankan "hal kebetulan" itu.
Bisa aja setelah kebetulan itu kita ngerasa bodoh, ato surprise, ato senyum2 sendiri, ato apalah itu.
Kalau kebetulan itu menyangkut seseorang yang pernah ato masih berarti untuk kita, bisa juga orang lain pikir kalo kita masih kebayang2 tentang dia, sebegitu inginnya menghubungi orang itu, so we did it without relizing.
But the bottom line is tetep aja loe ngerasa aneh dengan kebetulan itu karena itu semua emang bener2 terjadi di luar kesadaran loe.

So, komentar gue, pastilah ada sesuatu yang Tuhan rahasiakan buat kita.
In your case, Tuhan ingetin loe untuk say thanks for everything he did back then for you, rite? ;)

Beberapa minggu yang lalu, gue dan seseorang yang pada akhirnya sekarang jadi cowok gue, sama2 mutusin untuk stay away from each other karena satu dan lain hal.
Selama gue jauh dari dia, gue nggak putus2nya berdoa sama Tuhan untuk kasih gue petunjuk, apakah dia yang terbaik/tidak untuk gue.
Seandainya dia emang yang terbaik, gue minta supaya dia dikasih keberanian yang nggak pernah dia dan gue duga sebelumnya, dan gue minta jangan kasih gue keraguan sedikitpun di hati gue untuk bilang iya.
Tapi kalau emang dia bukan buat gue, gue minta perasaan gue dimatiin, dan gue nggak perlu ketemu2 dia lagi sampai perasaan gue stabil, kembali seperti ketika kita baru kenal.
Seminggu pertama, gue ngerasa semuanya biasa2 aja.
Nggak ada rasa kangen berlebihan, nggak ada air mata, dan juga nggak ada usaha2 untuk inget2 dia, buka2 profile dia atau penasaran dengan apa yang lagi dia buat.
Masuk minggu kedua, gue mimpi dia. Dan gue nggak suka banget dengan arti mimpi itu.
Tapi gue berusaha biasa, nggak gue pikirin.
Worst, gue bener2 mimpiin dia tiap hari !!!
Gue semakin kenceng minta sama Tuhan untuk dikasih kekuatan bertahan dan jawaban.
Tanpa mikir, gue pernah telepon dia, hanya untuk minta dia lebih hati2 karena dia pun tau arti mimpi gue.
Setelah itu, gue kembali ke kecuekan gue.
Sampai akhirnya, gue tergelitik untuk baca salah satu bulletin yang dia posting.
Judul yang unik menurut gue.
Begitu gue baca isinya, gue tiba2 ngerasa campur aduk, nggak jelas.
Gue pikir, 'Tanggung ah ... Sekalian aja gue liat profile-nya.'
Semua yang gue liat di sana, semua yang gue baca, bikin gue nangis.
Bukan nangis karena apa, tapi karena gue tersadar, sebenernya dalam hati gue, gue masih butuh dia, masih sayang dia, dan gue kangen dia.
Seandainya dia emang juga punya perasaan yang sama seperti yang gue baca di sana, kenapa gue dan dia nggak bisa punya cerita kita sendiri?
Kenapa hal yang mudah, justru jadi dibikin sedemikian sulit?
Tapi tetep ... Gue yakin Tuhan punya maksud tertentu, yang gue, sebagai manusia yang punya keterbatasan akal, nggak akan pernah bisa ngerti, kenapa musti begini.
Dan hari itu, gue sms dia (yang lagi2 tanpa mikir), untuk tanya maksud bulletin-nya.
Malemnya, gue tahajud sampe nangis. Nangis terhebat yang gue alamin selama 2 minggu gue nggak ketemu dia.
Gue tanya sama Tuhan, "Kenapa begini, kenapa begitu, kenapa, kenapa, dan kenapa???"
Gue nangis sampe ketiduran di atas sajadah gue.

Gue bukan orang yang agamis, yang religius, yang fanatik.
Tapi gue tetep yakin dan percaya sama Tuhan, dalam keadaan apapun.
Dan di suatu malam, gue shalat Isya, lalu makan malem.
Adik gue pulang bawa pulsa buat gue.
Gue isilah pulsa itu, lalu gue nonton TV. Semuanya biasa2 aja.
Inilah "kebetulan" yang gue alamin setelah sebelumnya gue pernah telepon dan sms dia tanpa mikir.

Gue browsing2 contact di Hp gue.
Kayak orang dihipnotis, gue dial nomor-nya.
Mungkin buat kebanyakan orang, gue melakukan hal itu di bawah alam sadar gue, karena gue sedikit-banyak masih mengharapkan dia.
Tapi gue berani sumpah, saat itu kayak ada sesuatu yang gerakin gue untuk bikin itu.
(Pernah ada orang yang bilang sama gue, kalau Tuhan nggak ngeridhoin kita bikin sesuatu, hal itu nggak akan pernah terjadi, sebesar dan sekuat apapun usaha kita untuk meraih hal itu. Dan semua itu adalah rahasia Tuhan, kenapa kita boleh/nggak boleh mendapatkan apa yang kita inginkan)
Dan gue baru bener2 tersadar, setelah gue denger suara dia di seberang sana.
Ketika dia tanya sama gue ada apa nelepon dia pun, gue sendiri nggak tau kenapa.
Yang keluar dari mulut gue justru alasan panik, "Gue cuma pingin nelepon karena gue kangen denger suara loe."
What a silly answer !
Yah, "kebetulan" itu berlanjut sampai 3 jam lamanya.
Dan inti dari semua itu, dia tetep nggak bisa lanjut ke "tahap" yang lebih tinggi dari ini.
Sepanjang 3 jam itu, hati gue nggak putus2nya bilang, "Tuhan, malam ini tolong berikan saya jawaban atas istikharah2 saya selama ini. Saya ikhlas, apapun keputusan yang Kau berikan. Apapun yang terjadi malam ini, itulah jawaban yang terbaik untuk saya."
Sampai gue mau tutup telepon, dia tetep keukeuh dengan keputusannya.
Gue sendiri nggak mau maksain apapun, karena gue udah dapet jawaban dari semua pertanyaan2 yang berkecamuk di pikiran gue selama ini ... Kenapa dia takut, kenapa dia terlalu banyak pertimbangan walaupun gue dan dia saat itu punya perasaan yang sama, semua udah gue dapet jawabannya, dan gue udah puas.
Tepat beberapa saat sebelum tutup telepon, gue ngebatin, "Tuhan sekarang saya udah ikhlas. Saya rela. Karena hanya Engkau-lah yang tau apa yang terbaik untuk saya dan dia. Tolong berikan saya dan dia semua yang terbaik dalam hidup kami. Terima kasih atas jawaban yang Kau berikan."
Dan apa yang terjadi selanjutnya, justru di luar dugaan gue.
Dia beraniin diri untuk coba jalanin semuanya sama gue, di tahap yang lebih lanjut.
Saat itu, gue mantep !
Bukan karena keinginan gue, bukan karena pengharapan gue, tapi gue bener2 mantep !
Tepat di detik itu, gue panas-dingin. Karena gue diingetin, kalau Tuhan udah menetapkan sesuatu, nggak ada yang mustahil buat Dia, meskipun di mata gue, apa yang gue denger malem itu bener2 hal yang mustahil keluar dari mulutnya.

The point is, "kebetulan" terkadang punya rahasianya sendiri. Rahasia yang nggak akan pernah kita tau.
Dan untuk apa yang gue alamin saat ini, mungkin Tuhan pingin gue mencoba membuka hati dan mengikuti kata hati gue, menjalankan kodrat gue sebagai perempuan yang memang sewajarnya lebih mengikuti perasaan, setelah sekian tahun lamanya bersembunyi di balik logika gue yang selalu ngatur gue untuk begini dan begitu, sesuai dengan apa yang "tertulis di atas kertas".
Dan mungkin Dia juga "nyentil" gue bahwa dengan gue yang terlalu berlogika selama ini, gue udah banyak nyakitin dan bikin orang lain serba salah ngadepin gue dengan keegoisan dan kelempengan ucapan gue.
Karena setelah gue punya dia sebagai orang yang seharusnya menyayangi, menjaga dan melindungi perasaan gue, gue justru ngerasa dia jadi lebih jauh, lebih sinis, berkecenderungan untuk selalu "menyerang" gue, bener2 180 derajat dari dia yang gue kenal sebelum status ini kukuh.
Dan gue rasa, itu karena dia mencoba mengalahkan perasaannya dengan logika.
And I hate myself when I see the reflection of myself back then in him ...

- 1 April 2007 -

For You ...

2007-03-25T13:11:00.000+07:00

BETTER THAN YOU

Hey baby, it's you I truly adore
I finally found the peace of never wanting more
Singin a sweet song of who and where I belong
I see a vision of a love that's more than strong
I feel so fine, truly divine
My dream has come to life, hey yeah
You're always there on my mind

Cause when I need two arms that can hold me tight
A tender loving kiss that can make it right
Someone to chase the darkness into the light
I know its true
Baby, there's none better than you

Cause I know it's true, ooh

Oh my dear I can't say the way that I feel
You're more than words, you're more than pictures can reveal
Sugar is sweet but with you it's hard to believe
There's nothing to compare, you're all I want and need
Eternally I'm gonna see all that love can be
Yeah yeah Heaven has given to me

Cause when I need two arms that can hold me tight
A tender loving kiss that can make it right
Someone to chase the darkness into the light
I know its true
Baby, there's none better than you

Cause when I need two arms that can hold me tight
A tender loving kiss that can make it right
Someone to chase the darkness into the light
But I know it's true
Baby, there's none better than you

And I know in time our hearts will be together
And I see your smile and I see forever
Baby, baby And our love is true
Ooh! There's no one better, oh
There's no one better than you

Cause when I need two arms that can hold me tight
A tender loving kiss that can make it right
Someone to chase the darkness into the light
I know it's true
Baby, there's no one better than you

- Lisa Keith -

Thank you for breaking that massive wall and try to share our world together ...
Feel so blessed ;)

** Love you, Sayangkuw :) **

-27 March 2007 -

Oh Den Heer ...

2007-03-25T11:23:00.000+07:00

Passie

Ik denk nog vaak aan hoe het toen begon.
We lagen arm in arm in het gras onder de zon.
Maar we wisten allebei er komt een tijd.
Die zwaar en moeilijk wordt.
Want de passie raak je kwijt.

En ik zei we vechten en we gaan ervoor.
Wat ook komt we slaan er ons wel door.

Maar als de vlinders sterven in je schoot.
Dan rijst de levens grote vraag is de liefde minder groot?
En het sprookje van de prins op 't witte paard.
Is veel te vroeg voorbij.
Als de passie is bedaard.

Dat doet pijn maar geef jezelf een nieuwe kans.
Alleen dan krijgt je leven weer wat glans.

Dus droog je tranen ook al heb je veel verdriet.
Je kan treuren net als ik maar 't helpt ons niet.
Droog je tranen ook al heb je veel verdriet.
Het leven gaat door.
Je begint weer van voor.
Er ligt vast wel iets moois in 't verschiet .

Het is nu donker, buiten is het stil.
Ik stel me weer de vraag is het dit nu wat ik wil.
Dit duurt duizend keer langer dan ik dacht.
Wat passioneel begint.
Heb je zelden in je macht.

En helaas ik wil wel maar ik kan het niet.
Is het dwaas dat ik jou daarom verliet ?

Het doet pijn maar geef jezelf een nieuwe kans.
Na een tijd krijgt je leven weer wat glans.

-Clouseau-

Ik weet 't niet precies waar ik stond of wat ik voel.
Ik kan bijna niks voelen.
Dit is al te veel voor mij !!!

Gisteravond deed ik nachtbieden.
Ik vroeg aan Hem wat moet ik doen.
Ik huilde aan Den Heer over wat ik voel.
Ik voel me juist vervelend.
Ik heb verdriet !!!!
Kan hij dat voelen???? Mijn verdriet???

Als hij hetzelfde gevoel zoals me hebt, waarom moet 'ie dit doen?
Waarom kunnen wij niks proberen?
Waarom moeten er grens liggen tussen ons?
Waarom kan hij die niet doorbreken?
Waarom en waarom en waarom?
Ik heb 't genoeg !!!!
Vaak kan ik zijn gedachten niet verstaan.
Ik weet dat 'ie beetje "bijzonder" is.
Maar dit ... dit kan ik helemaal niet verstaan ...

Waarom moet 'ie dat schrijven?
Of iemand anders heb die gedaan?
Ik probeer mijn beste om te staan op mijn eigen voeten met mijn eigen kracht.
Maar waarom verbodt U me om hem van mijn hoofd uit te gooien?
Ik kan dit niet meer tegen, Oh Mijn Heer ...
Ben alleen maar een mens.
Wat deed ik ???
Deed ik iets verkeerd???
Deed ik iets totdat ik geluk niet mag hebben?
Ik heb het nodig !!!
Ik wil die hebben !!!
Is het te veel voor wat ik vraag???

Ben erg teleurgesteld.
Wat denk hij ???
Dat ik een spelletje is???
Goh !!!!! Te erg !!!!

Mijn traan is al op.
Mijn gevoel werd gewond.
Hoe kan ik dit geniezen?
Hoe ???

Laat me nu toch niet alleen ...
Geef me maar het antwoord, Oh Den Heer ...
Ik heb meer kracht nodig om het leven te gaan door ...

What The ****

2007-03-24T13:04:00.000+07:00

I can't write anything actually.
But I miss writing something.

So, how about something that I feel?
What I feel today?
Today, I miss him even more.

Feel so blue.
Wish he could have a little bravery in him.
What am I saying just now?
Is that some kind of hope?
Well, maybe I'm still hoping.
What a silly wish !!!!

Everytime I thought it's over, it's really not over yet.
Everytime I feel I already get over him, his shadow keeps coming back to my mind.
God, please give me a break !!!!
Do I have to run away just for this time?
Oh no no no ...
I never run or hide from anything before, and I won't !!!!
Hmmm ...
Give me some time ... I'll figure it out.

What should I figure out?
Oh yeah ...
How to be back to who I was.
Well, I believe I could do that :)
No ... no ... wait !!!
I have to do that :D

This isn't easy, but I'm still trying to do that ...

Nice Quote

2007-03-19T16:01:00.000+07:00

I really love One Tree Hill TV Series.
And few days ago, my best friend gave me the 4th season of One Tree Hill.
There's a quote from Lucas Scott in the 2nd episode that I find interesting ...

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid. Confused. Without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested, that you truly discover who you are. And it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist. Somewhere on the otherside of hard work and faith and belief... and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

I'll Get Through This ...

2007-03-17T14:09:00.000+07:00

** Go into the storm, Brave Angel! That's where life is ... **

I guess I have to get back to who I was.
Let my logic occupied my feelings.
I don't want to be this way, but what the hell.
If I have to be a cold person like I was back then, so beat it.
All I know, I have to be strong and move on.
A friend said to me once, "I could never be like you. How could you stand on your own feet, with no one, to walk on this world? If I were you, maybe I'll break down. But you could still smile after everything's that happened to you in this life. I do admire you ..."

What she said really made me laugh.
She didn't know that sometimes I do need someone, that many times I want to feel the warmth of my heart. I’m still a human being !!!
But I just neglected my will so I could dare this cruel world. That's why most people saw me as a cold-numb-hearted-woman.

Well, I don't care what others think about me, as long as I survive.
Coz it's my life, not theirs. Who else will care about you but yourself?
Sounds pathetic, huh?
But it's not that scary though, when you're there ...

I could never forget everything's that happened to me in my entire life.
I could never forget those who are filling my life.
They will always be a part of me wherever I go.
But I realize we live in this present world, not in the past.
We have to move forward, not backward.
I've been there before, in the world beyond other thoughts, in the world where most people would give up.
I barely regret for everything I did, coz I already pray and fight 'till my last strength before I give it all up to GOD.
So if I could find my way out back then, I'll get through this.
It's gonna be very hard, I know. But I'll try my best to conquer this one, no matter how long it will take, with or without anyone !!! (Please help me GOD)

-- For you who said to me, "Gue sama sekali nggak kenal Ayu yang sekarang. Gue lebih suka Ayu yang dulu. Dulu loe bener2 Leo sejati! Balikin dong taring loe! Tunjukin kalo loe bener2 Leo!", just let me feel my heart for a moment before one day you see me back on my old track, Gal ;) --

-- For Sayangkuw, I'll not ever forget and I won't forget you since you're one of best things that happened to me. Frankly, I still do love you, so much. I still do miss you, a lot. But I know it will never change anything. I’ve been waiting and hoping for a miracle, but it seems like it’s not going to happen coz you have this huge border that you can’t or won’t break through.

This is definitely not my will, but yours ... You made me take this path. But like I've said, I'll never regret for I've met you :)

I want you to understand, I can't be there anymore, in that kind of circumstance, even I want it so bad like you do, and I'm sorry for I'm not that strong enough to keep our promise ...

And if someday we have to meet each other, hopefully you'll see the different me, someone who might be way opposite than who I am now.

Thanks for everything we've shared back then ... They were beautiful … --

When My Heart Screams ...

2007-03-14T11:30:00.000+07:00

Lord, I miss him so much.
I can say nothing else beside I long for him tonight…
Does he sleep well?
Is he okay?
How many times did he eat today?

I want to hear his voice.
I want to hear my mobile rings with his ring tone.
I want to read his text messages.
I want to see him.
I want him back to my arms.
I want him so bad …
But I can’t ...
I can't bare this pain anymore.

I ate 3 times today even I don’t want to.
I ate 2 oranges and a banana this evening.
I was extra careful when I was crossing the road this morning.
I didn’t drop tears even though my heart cried.
Coz I know that what he wants.
He could ask me anything…
Anything, except to pretending that he just a best friend for me.
I can’t do that.
Coz he’s more than that …

What should I do, God?
What should I do?
I can do nothing.
It hurts, Lord.
It hurts when I realize this heart belong to him.
It hurts when those memories of ours dancing in my mind.
It hurts when I should break our promise.
It hurts when I find out leaving him behind is the best choice I have for now.
It hurts me so …

Does he think of me?
Does he miss me?
What he’s doing right now?
Why it has to end this way?
Why this love grows inside me?
Why do I have more expectation upon him?
It’s surely my fault …

I can’t deny, Dear Lord…
I do love him.
I love him so much…
I know he’s not there.
I can’t let him be there for I’ll hurt him one day with this love I have.
It’ll be definitely a sin …

Let me be the one who bare all this pains.
Let me be the evil one who walks away from him.
Please guard him, God…
Please send Your angels to be there for him wherever he goes.
And please give me a chance to watch and guard him from distance…

None

2007-03-13T21:44:00.000+07:00

Gantung

Ku harus menemui cintaku
Mencari tahu hubungan kita
Apa masih atau tlah berakhir

Kau menggantungkan hubungan ini
Kau diamkan aku tanpa sebab
Maunya apa ku harus bagaimana
Kasih…
Sampai kapan kau gantung
Cerita cintaku memberi harapan
Hingga mungkin ku tak sanggup lagi
Dan meninggalkan dirimu

Detik-detik waktu pun terbuang
Teganya kau menggantung cintaku
Bicaralah biar semua pasti

Kau menggantungkan hubungan ini
Kau diamkan aku tanpa sebab
Maunya apa ku harus bagaimana
Kasih…
Sampai kapan kau gantung
Cerita cintaku memberi harapan
Hingga mungkin ku tak sanggup lagi
Dan meninggalkan dirimu

Tentunya hubungan cinta denganmu
Membuat ku sakit
Hingga mungkin ku tak sanggup lagi
Dan meninggalkan dirimu

-Melly Goeslow-

It hate when it has to end this way although I still do need you when I decided to back off :'(

This Is It ...

2007-03-12T23:28:00.000+07:00

So, this is it, huh?
This is how it end.

Now I'm trying to let him go.
So he could move on without any burden.
So he could reach his dreams.
So he could find whatever he's looking for ...
With or without me, who always be trouble for him.

Well, the day comes fast.
Faster than I expected.
Never prepare for this day, eventhough I know it will come, soon or later.

GOD, please give him better days, better life, and better person to be there for him.
I can never be the best one for him, that one I realize, Lord ...

Please give him all the best things in this life, coz he deserves it ...
That's all I ask ...
Please hear my pray, Oh Dear GOD ...

Thank You, GOD

2007-03-12T21:53:00.000+07:00

I've been thinking a lot.
Try my best to fall in love with him.
I've tried everyway I could.
But still, it's no use.
I can't feel it in me.

I blame myself for couldn't loving him just the way he did.
I blame myself for giving up after this whole year.
But I can't force it anymore ...
And I know I'll make a big mistake if I'm not telling him the truth.
Sooner or later he'll know ...

So then, he gave me mail couple days ago.
And it put smile on my face !!!
Coz now we have our own path.
He already found a new love and I'm doing my best to move on with a new beginning.

Thank you GOD for proving that I did the right thing.
Thank you GOD for answering my pray :)

-- Ik wens alle beste toe voor jou en je nieuwe vriendin, PB ;) --

Please ....

2007-03-05T15:20:00.000+07:00

GOD ... please help me.

Is it my fault if I fall in love with him?
Is it my fault?

I always got out fast if I face this kind of circumstances.
But why can't I do it this time?
Why can't I just accept this "bestfriends" things.
I'm tired ... really tired.
But I can do nothing.
I can't force my heart to stop coz it hurts.
But I can't move forward too ...

Please lead me the way, GOD.
Please lead me the way ....

I don't wanna loose him.
That's all I ask.
I beg You, GOD ...
I beg You ...

How???

2007-02-25T21:59:00.000+07:00

"Water From The Moon"

I've looked everywhere I can
Just to find a clue
Oh to get to you
And make you want me

And I've run circles around the sun
Chasin' after you
Oh but it's no use
Can't you see that I'm going out of my mind
Trying to find a way to get through to you
Oh you don't know how hard I try
And I try and I try
What do I gotta do

Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon

I've reached high up in the sky
Tryin' to steal the stars
Oh to win your heart
But even that's not enough
And I've searched every book I know
Just to find the words
Oh to touch your world and get some love out of you
I've already given all I can give
And I don't know what's left to try
And I try and I try
What do I gotta do

Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon

Love me, how do I make you love me
How do I make you see that I'm going out of my mind

[Solo]I try, and I try, and I try

Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon

-Celine Dion-

How can I get through to your heart and soul?

Gosh ...

2007-02-24T17:05:00.000+07:00

ALL MY LIFE

I will never find another lover sweeter than you,
Sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you
More precious than you
Boy you are close to me you're like my mother,
Close to me you're like my father,
Close to me you're like my sister,
Close to me you're like my brother
You are the only one my everything and for you this song I sing

And all my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

I said you're all that I'm thinking of.....baby

Said, I promise to never fall in love with a stranger,
You're all I'm thinking of, I praise the Lord above,
For sending me your love,
I cherish every hug,
I really love you

And all my life, baby, baby,
I've prayed for someone like you,
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you, baby
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do, love me

You're all that I ever known, when you smile, on my face, all I see is a glow.
You turned my life around, you picked me up when I was down,
You're all that I ever known, when you smile on your face all I see is a glow,
You picked me up when I was down
You're all that I ever known, when you smile on your face all I see is a glow,
You picked me up when I was down and I hope that you feel the same way too,
Yes I pray that you do love me too

All my life, I've prayed for someone like you,
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

-K-Ci & Jojo-

Wish I could sing this song for you.
Coz honestly ... When I prayed to God to send me someone, He sent you.

I never regret that I've met you.
But I'm unable to stay, unwilling to leave.

Gosh, it really bumped me when you said that we're just best best best best best friends.
When you saw me smile, my heart cried.
When I said it's okay, it wasn't okay.
When you prayed for a better man for me, it's defenetely killing me, coz the one that my heart choose right now was sitting right in front of me.

But one thing for sure.
I already made every single effort I could, just to show and convince you that I love you and everything's gonna be okay if you brave enough to move forward with me.
I will not regret it in the end and you don't have to feel sorry for me.
Coz like I've said, I'm very blessed that I've known you, even just for a moment :)
Really, I do ...

I want to tell you this.
I'm not a person who's afraid of a commitment when I trust my heart, even though my love stories never worked out.
But I'm a person who always feels insecure to give my heart to someone else that easily.
And now ... I already give my whole heart to you ...

I'm So Sorry

2007-02-22T13:39:00.000+07:00

Yesterday he said to me that he doesn’t want any relationship with me besides being best friends or brother/sister.
And the reason was precisely as the reason I’ve heard 14 years ago;

I have a friend. He was a friend when I was in elementary school but we became closer since we were in junior high school. So it’s like 14 years ago.
Don’t have to tell how we’ve became closer, but it was funny if I may say.
We caught movies together, were eating out together, and met each other after school.
I had a crush on him after 1 year I known him.
Hahaha … Teenagers!!!
But we had no special relationship besides best friends.
And I hid what I’ve felt inside for years.

Five years later, I had my first relationship.
I had a boyfriend, someone who filled my days.
I always ran to my best friend every time my boyfriend and I had a fight, told him when I had my first kiss, shared him almost everything.
I often asked for his advice since “men are from Mars and women are from Venus.”
He was my ear, my shoulder.
But everything’s changed after I introduced him to my boyfriend.
My boyfriend forbids me to have any contact with him.
I couldn’t understand why.
He was only a best friend, not more than that.
And he had no right to separate me from my best friend, someone I’ve known well, years before I met him.
I kept calling him and hanged out with him behind my boyfriend’s back.
I thought his demanding was insane.
I believe that best friends will remains best friends ‘till the world ends.
And I never told them both for what I did.

Months later, he told me that he had a girlfriend.
I was very happy for him. Really, I was!!!
Finally he found his dream girl.
But what happened next?
He never called me, and we never hanged out since then.
I never got the answer why he changed after he had this relationship with her.

Then, one day, I broke up.
Weeks after that, this best friend of mine called me.
He told me that he broke up with his girlfriend.
So, we had a little chit-chat.
We were talking about the old days, when we were still young and know nothing.
At that time I told him that I had a crushed on him long long ago.
He was laughing and told me that he felt the same way like I did, even stronger, for years.
I asked him, why he didn’t try to have a serious relationship, as boy/girlfriend, with me?
What I had on my thoughts at that moment was he was too afraid if I rejected him, or some stuffs like that.
But this was what he said:

One thing that feared him most was loosing me. He was scared, if he had this relationship, we couldn’t stay the same if something bad happened, like broke up, for example. He believed that best friends are forever. But relationships could end, and if it happens, you’ll find someone else to replace the blank spot.

I nodded, agreeing what he said.
It made sense, what he said.

I asked him another question; why was he avoiding me after he had relationship with his ex-girlfriend.
And what was the answer?
His ex-girlfriend couldn’t accept our relationship as best friends. She was afraid if I took him from her. She didn’t want to share him with me.

At that time, I felt like I was slapped.
Eventually I could understand how it feels.
I knew what my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend felt.
If I were her, I would feel the same.
It’s not because we were best friends.
It was because I’m a woman and he’s a man.
Our history as best friends didn’t matter.
But our closeness was their threatened.
Of course they didn’t want to share us with opposite sexes whoever it is.
Of course they got scared if we could’ve something more behind the word of “friendships”.
Gosh, why was I so stupid?

Everything’s changed between me and him.
It was not because of the chit-chat.
But more than that, it opened our eyes, that when we choose our path, our life, our love, it wouldn’t be the same, even if we want it so bad.
Best friend relationships between a woman and a man could never be pure.
There should be love in it.
Or even though it could be pure, in the end it couldn’t be like it used to. In other words, it couldn’t last forever.
In my heart, he’s still my best friend.
But I can’t have him like 14 years ago, and so does he.
The bottom line is “loosing” is what we get at the end.

What a same bullshit reason what I’ve just heard!!!
But I couldn’t say a word besides pretending to agree.
I was totally speechless.
Deep in my heart, I don’t want to loose him.
Not after what I’ve lost back then.
Love is something that you have to feel, something that you should realize by yourself, something that you should fight for.
But it’s not something you could force to others.
That’s why I pretend to agree and understand what he wants even though this heart screams.
I still don’t want to take the risk of loosing him, not even a second, even though I know that sooner or later I have to let him go, no matter how.
Not yet ...
If I have to remain silent, I’ll do it.
Just don’t take him away from me so soon, GOD.
I still want to have him a little bit longer, please...

So if you read this, please don’t hate me.
Maybe I’m trying what you often do.
Let God’s hands works, and wait for what He’ll give.
And maybe I’m trying to find my way out from this “you-may-call-it-anything status”.
I know that you often loose your best friends.
I really do understand how it feels.
Coz I’ve lost more than you do.
I don’t have strength to leave you, especially not after we made that promise.
Believe me, I don’t ever want to break that promise we’ve made.
Gosh, I really don’t wanna loose you.
The thoughts of loosing you make me mad.
I try so hard not to think about it like you always said.
Hell it keeps coming to me everyday.

I know from the very beginning that it couldn’t be pure, friendships between you and me.
I let you walk into my heart deeper than I want to.
I need some time to figure out how to kill what I feel.
I know that you never say that it was stupid, for what I feel.
But it’s stupid indeed.

I don’t want to live in a world of lie.
But I can’t say more than “I care about you”.
Why? Because I don’t want to face the fact if you’ll walk out of my life after I say “I love you”.
You’re not just a best friend.
And you’re not just a brother to me.
You’re more than that.
I love you as a man.
“If loving you with all my heart is crime, then I’m guilty.”

Please understand that it tortures me every time you say that I’m your best friend.
I can’t through a time when I have to back off; fight alone when I need you most if someday you have someone by your side.
I also can’t through a time when I have to neglect you, can’t be there for you when you need me if someday there’s someone else by my side.
Maybe you haven’t through it all yet.
That’s one reason why I keep silent.
Coz there’s so many beautiful things right there in front of you.
I just don’t wanna be selfish by not letting you see this whole world.
I have to do that unless I want to see you regret it all one day.
And God knows how I don’t want to see you that way.
But trust me. There will come a time when you have to sacrifice something you’ve got, even your own best friends, just to prove how much you love the one you choose.

I’ve been there several times.
I can’t and don’t want to through it all with you. God please … Not you! I don’t want to through that time, when I have to face you or me who’ll be the first one to walk away, whether we want it or not.
That’s one of the answers why it’s easy for me to cry when night comes, when I think about you, about us.
And that’s one of the answers why I always try to record every single thing in my mind every time we’ve met.
That’s also one of the reasons why I can’t see you right through your eyes and often become speechless. I just want to feel you in my soul if someday I can’t have you right by my side. My heart speaks louder. If you noticed, you could see that from my eyes.

But like what you’ve said, if it really happens then maybe this is the best for us.
(You know what? I always scared when you say that, coz I never ever want to loose you… And how you’ll know that this is the best if we don’t try it at all and leave it to God instead? Why you don’t try to give us a chance before we leave it to God? Is it because I’m not worth enough for you? Or is it because you don’t feel the same way like I do? Please give me the answer!)

When I said that you’re so precious to me, I do mean it.
I never lie that you’re the greatest gift that God sends to me.

One thing I don’t ever want to do is to hurt you.
I’ll try my best not to loose or leave you.

But if, only if, in the time you read this everything’s has changed, I’m really sorry coz I don’t have courage yet to share this with you before it happens.
And I do that for one and only reason …

Try to stay and to be a truly best friend for you ‘till that day comes just like you want me to.

This Is The Day...

2007-02-20T10:44:00.001+07:00

I can't push myself anymore for that man.
Coz everyday this feeling for "the new comer" grows more and more.
Almost everyday I dream of him.
I'm scared of falling in love, actually.
But he makes me comfortable.
He makes me feel good for what I feel.

Wish this song will come true.

DREAMING OF YOU

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

Cuz I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you (Yes, I do)

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Ahhh...
I can't stop dreaming of you
Ahhh...
I can't stop dreamin

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
And said, "I love you; I love you too"
Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Till tomorrow, and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming with you endlessly...

-Selena-

Just yesterday morning I had a thought to let him go.
I can't fight this feeling anymore.
He always sees me as his bestfriend, as his sister.
I can't do this anymore.
Pretending that I'm okay with it.
And one way I have to do that is kill what I feel by get out from his life.
It's gonna be hard.
Coz I already depend on him; feeling, needing, habits, all that stuffs.

Someday, he'll found out my blog.
I promise myself to tell him someday.

And if that day comes, maybe he's already with another girl.
Maybe I'm already with another man.
Maybe we're belong together.
Or maybe we just have to be away from each other with no particular reason.
I don't know either.
But until that day comes, this is what I want to tell him:

Right now, right at this moment as I write this, I'm really falling in love with you.
You make me feel alive, feel blessed, feel what I haven't feel for years.
I thank GOD Above coz He sends you into my life.
You're the greatest gift for me.
Eventhough maybe you don't have the same feeling like I do, I never regret it.
For I feel very fortune to have you even just for a glimpse.

"I LOVE YOU, Sayangkuw...
Thank you for every moments we've shared, and wonderful memories you've gave me :) "

What Happened To February?

2007-02-18T18:48:00.000+07:00

February …
Never been my month.
February should be beautiful with Valentine’s inside.
But nope, it never has been my month.

This was what happened as far as I remember.

I had two relationships before.
And both ended on late February, 1999 and 2003.
What a coincidence!!!

February 2000
A friend of mine had a huge fight with her boyfriend.
She was beating by him.
I wasn’t thinking at all. I ran and hugged her, hoped that he stopped with what he did.
But what happened next?
He beat me with a mug, -- A MUG! -- right to my head and my back until a friend saved us.
He dragged him outside.

February 2001.
This month was the “darkest” February I had.
For the first time in my entire life, I had a “down to earth” GPA, which also means that I had to graduate 1 year after my classmates.
Did it break my heart? Indeed!!!!

February 2002.
The first year I could drive my own car, a year after I had my license.
Six days after my first day of driving, there was something wrong with the oil indicator on my way to campus.
So I stopped my car on the side of the high way.
I let the key inside while the engine was off, and I closed the door.
You could guess the rest, right?
Yup… It got locked from inside!!!
So, everybody was helping me to open the door.
On my way home – still in the same day – I took the high way.
It was late at night (coz I fell asleep at a friend’s place) and it was raining so hard.
Suddenly … My wipers fell!!!! They fell!!!! Out of the blue!
I got home without wipers, in the middle of heavy rain, almost in the middle of the night, in my first week of driving.

Talking about the 14th February.

I never had a valentine’s day with a special person in my life.
Well, I had once actually, years ago.
But still, it was out of my expectation.

Let’s see …

I had a white valentine with my best friends like 3 years ago.
But I guess I was disappointing them.
My uncle’s engagement held exactly on the same eve.
So, it was late at night when I met them.
I could never forget their tired eyes for waiting.
And it hurt me.

I had a black valentine last year with the g-V team.
It was excellent if I may say.
With romantic dinner (was it?) and a rose for each lady.
I was starting to believe that February is at least not awful like before.

This year …
I had a wish on 14 February.
But it didn’t work.
So, I cried all night long.
No, it wasn’t because of my stupid, unlucky wish.
But it was because I missed him so bad.
I don’t deny that he’s always there for me.
He’s trying so hard to be there for me.
I know it and I thank him for that.
But what I missed was the moments that we’ve shared.
When we were hanging out, talked for hours in the middle of the night, all that stuffs.
I know it’s so hard to do.
Coz his world is way different than mine now.
I don’t blame him at all.
I blame myself for my “unrealistic” demanding, for my stupid feeling of missing.

But I’m not the one who feels awful this year.
My mobile rang with 2 text messages inside.
And they were from my best friends.
So, the conclusion was the three of us had a “dark” val’s day.
“One for all and all for one”, huh?

Well, I have one more expectation on this February.
Will it become true?
Will this February become my month?
Let’s wait and see …

Lost In The Middle of Nowhere

2007-02-18T17:44:00.000+07:00

I've known him almost 1 year ago.
He's a very nice man.
He sends me text messages and mails everyday just to know me better.

About 6 months after we've known each other, he told me that he loves me.
I couldn't say that I love him, coz I haven't feel that way.
But he was very patient.
He tells me that he loves me everyday and never expect me to say the same thing like he did.
So, one day, when I thought maybe I had to give him a chance, I said to him, "I love you too."
But after I said that, I felt that it was wrong.
But it was already out of my mouth.
I have to take responsibillity to what I've said.

I pushed myself.
I've tried my best to open my heart, to accept his love, and to love him.
But the more I pushed it, the more I got heartache.
I couldn't love him.
I couldn't give him my heart like what he did.
I've lied to myself, and to him.
It's killing me.

"It's better to be loved by someone than to loving someone."
Bullshit!!!
It hurts when you couldn't repay what others give to you.

I pray to God, to lead me the way.
If he's the one, please guide me and grow that love inside me.
Just don't let me hurt him.
Coz he's such a nice guy.

Months after that, I met this man.
Never expect that it turns this way.
I fall in love with him after I've known him for a while.
It hurts me indeed everytime he's saying that I'm not more than just a best friend to him.
But at least, I don't have to lie to myself.

Each day, my love for this new comer is getting stronger.
I miss him more often.
I dream about him almost every night.
I think of him almost every minutes.

But I don't have enough strength to tell them both the truth.

Gosh, I'm lost in the middle of nowhere :(

Little Black Bird's Story

2007-02-10T16:33:00.000+07:00

A little black bird finally could let herself out of the cage.
She flew so high and saw that the world is much bigger and beautiful than what she saw from the little cage.
She met lot of kind of birds and some of them made friends with her.
They played and sang songs together, shared their experiences, and did other things with laughter.
She felt very happy and reborn since she was alone in the cage with no friends at all but the wind.

But then everything was changed.
For they were not from the same kind, other birds often had to leave her to do routine which their kind had to do daily.
This thing was out of her league. She never thought that she could feel much lonely than before. She felt all alone and neglected.
So this little black bird cried and started to think…

‘I’m starting to feel dead inside, when I thought that my life becomes more colorful.
When I thought I’m re-alive, I have to face that it’s only for a glimpse.
It’s no one fault for they come and go.
It’s just me …

‘Those which I’ve been avoiding, they start to embrace me again, as if they are my eternity friends; loneliness, being abandoned, sadness, anger.
What if everybody feel sorry for me?
I don’t want anyone to look at me with pity stare. Duh, I’m not retarded!!!!
Even though I know that maybe, – S***, do I have to say this one too? – I’m pathetic enough.

‘No, no, no…
I used to be alone.
I used to have no one when I need them most.
I never drop tears for years.
It wasn’t great indeed, but that was my very own world. (I had to get used to it if I wanted to survive, though I had to repay it with a cold, numb heart. Hey, I have no one to talk to in that cage. So I need no heart, huh?)

‘If I could through it all back then, then I’m surely can get over it now.
Even though you have to shut yourself from their world?
Hahaha … Why not??? It’s not my world from the first place. And it could never be my world.
So, do you think you have to get back to your “tremendous” world?
Well, if that’s what it takes?'

An eagle stopped by and greeted her gently, “Hallo, Little Birdie. Are you okay? You seem unhappy. What happened to you?”
And she answered with wide smile, “Nope, I’m fine; never been fine. I have to go now. Take care, My Dear Friend…”
Then she flew far far away to get back to her master and to her old cage where she belonged.

My Flesh And Blood

2007-02-10T16:24:00.000+07:00

He left when I was too young to understand.
I wasn’t just disappointed, but also hated him.
Since he left,
I made a promise to myself not to let him walk into my life again, ever.

I never felt “different” although I maybe was.
I never regret for I was born in this “wacky” world.
I never envy those who have “complete” life.
Coz I’m blessed with angels beside me.

I knew that she fight so hard to conquer the world for us.
I knew that she hide all the sadness and suffer behind her smile and anger.
I knew that sometimes she cry at night and pray to GOD to hang on.
I knew that she often feel alone when she needs someone beside her.
I knew that she always be my hero …

When I look at the other side, there’s this young angel of mine.
I knew behind her cold attitude,
She always stands up for me no matter what.
She always thinks of me wherever she goes.
And I love her for that …

After being separated for over a decade, eventually I’ve met my guardian.
On his journey,
He guards me from far away.
He sends me his love so I could be strong and feel the power of hope.
And I feel very alive since he found his way home.

Now I’ve broke my promise.
I‘ve forgive him who left me.
I knew deep in his heart he feels tortured.
His eyes can’t lie that he cares about me.
I knew that wrinkle hands of him are longing to hug me.
And finally I realized that I’ve hated him coz I love him so much.

Maybe I could never say this to them.
But I’ll always love them with all my heart,
And I’ll protect them with my soul.

Thank you GOD for sending me into this world
And having them as my flesh and blood …

Blue

2007-02-08T20:45:00.000+07:00

Feel so blue.
I know that he knew what I feel about him.
But deep in my heart I also realize that there's a border between us.
I hate it !!!!
Please GOD, give me a clue.
If he's not for me, don't make me love him.
Just shut my heart, and please don't let me down.

When he was sitting right next to me, all I wanna do is holding him tight.
But I can't do that.
I shouldn't do that.
This heart is missing him so badly.
Almost in every breath of mine I long for him.
It should be beautiful.
But shoot ...
It's torturing me.

"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them."

Speechless

2007-02-07T17:40:00.000+07:00

SANG DEWI

Walaupun jiwaku pernah terluka
Hingga nyaris bunuh diri
Wanita mana yang sanggup hidup sendiri
Di dunia ini

Walaupun t'lah kututup mata hati
Begitupun telingaku
Namun bila dikala cinta memanggilmu
Dengarlah ini

Walaupun dirimu tak bersayap
Ku akan percaya
Kau mampu terbang bawa diriku
Tanpa takut dan ragu

Walaupun mulutku pernah bersumpah
Tak sudi lagi jatuh cinta
Wanita seperti dirikupun ternyata
Mudah menyerah

Walaupun kau bukan titisan dewa
Ku takkan kecewa
Karena kau jadikanku sang dewi
Dalam taman surgawi

-Titi DJ-

Just heard this song on Winamp Player.
It reminds me of him.
Almost cry, coz I've heard nothing from him today.
Gosh ...
I miss him sooo bad :(

Have nothing else to say.
I'm speechless ....
My heart long for him, but my pride holds me back.
Which one will win this battle?
We'll see ...

Just A Tale Story of Mine

2007-01-30T19:50:00.000+07:00

It never crossed my mind that he and I could become more than just friends. He’s always there when I need a hand to lift me up. He’s always there when I laugh, cry, angry, even when I don’t have mood to talk at all.

Well, some said that “Good friends are persons who brave enough to tell you the right way when you’re walking on the wrong path”.

And since we’re getting closer, I learn how not to be a selfish person, how to listen to others, how terrible you feel when you make others worry about you, how it hurts you thousand times when you make people sad even though you’re not intend to;
I have a chance to realize that I could be such a pain in the ass. Well, the bottom line is, he pulls me out of my “comfort” zone. Should I hate him, or thank him for that? I guess both ... The bright side is, he "humanizes" me.

Sometimes I ask myself, 'Why could I do what he wants me to do without any question?' Hate to say this ... But he's the first one (since soooo many years) that could ask me to do something and I often do what he wants me to even though my mind and mouth say "no". Damn!!! Still don't have any answer for that question ...

And sometimes I’m wondering, how could he bare all the complicated in me? He sure is a temperamental man. So, how could he become very patient when I was confusing him, even myself?

I admit that I’m such an emotional and sensitive person in some cases. Well, I could try my best to hide all my sadness, keeping my burdens behind my smile, but it always can’t deceive him. I, myself, don’t have strength to hide it from him. So, when it all blast, he just stand there, try to comfort me, though I’m quiet sure that sometimes he doesn’t know what to do. (Gosh, I’m so sorry if I often do that even though I don’t want to and shouldn’t do. Believe me. It hurts me so bad when it happened…)

Many people come and go in my entire life, included my friends. That’s why I was preparing for the worst, which is loosing one more person like I loose them. And I’ve told him that.

But then, I could raise my smile after we made this promise, promise that I and he won’t break (please help us GOD). I’ll do my best to keep our promise and hopefully he’ll do the same. (At least, until now, he never breaks it. Thank you :) )

“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

-- Thank you for always standing right by my side, and thank you for being one of the beautiful colours in "my world" :) --

True Friend of Mine

2007-01-30T19:24:00.000+07:00

“A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.”

I used to have so many friends back in high school and college. But then-- after a few years of my college graduation-- I became a selfish person and a little bit anti social since I feel very comfort with my ego and myself. I only do what I want to do and I’d do the opposite if someone told me to do something.

So, I have this very best friend.

We used to hang out together, un-separately they said. (I guess that’s why most people call us “dynamic duo” :D) We used to end up in malls and cafe's; we also did stupid things (how I missed those moments), spontaneity things and crazy things together.

Only with her I could spend hours, days, even years without worrying that I don't have many friends like I used to (yeah, when you're older, everybody will get busy with their own life). She knows me so well. My selfishness, my will, my stupid principles, everything! I guess coz we have things in common on that “selfishness” and “anti social” matters.

Believe it or not, many times, when we both had problems, we didn’t need words to tell what's on our mind. We just hang out together and weren't talking at all!!! We got busy with our own thoughts and got lazy to speak. Yet we know that there's something in our head.
But the awesome thing was that we could solved our problems without words. Just meet each other, hang out together, and everything's just fine. And one more time ... WITHOUT WORDS!!! Is it weird? For others maybe it is...

But for us? That’s just how our hearts communicate, I guess :D

When she decided to chase her dreams, I felt like there will be no tomorrow. With whom could I hang out? With whom could I let out these burdens inside? Who could understand me? With whom could I share my tears and laugh? Man, I was totally alone!!!

We promise each other that whatever happens, there’s nothing in this world could change our friendships. (Do you remember why did we make that promise? ;)).

Times gone by… We still have contacts. But, hey… Text messages, e-mails, phones, and messenger aren’t the same. (I’m still wishing that you were here when I need you most and when I’m hang out in our favorite places, Gurl!)

I have some points-- from my point of view, of course -- of what best friend(s) means to me.

You could meet so many people, but there is few or even just one person who could understand and take you just the way you are.

Best friend(s) are those who you could wholly trust, even when you decided to tell your “darkest” secret(s). Sometimes you couldn’t even keep secrets from them coz eventually they’ll know.

They will always there for you even when you can’t see them physically. Deep in your heart you have faith that they are right there, standing next to you, smile when you're smile, and drop tears when you're sad. (Someone told me —and it’s true—that no one can be right next to you 24/7.)

Best friend(s) are those who you always looking for when you need a shoulder to cry on and the first one who comes up in your mind when you have a plan of having fun. You’ll feel incomplete without them.

Best friend(s) are treasures. They’re just one in a million …

And I’ve found not only a best friend, but true friend …

Blabberen :D

2007-01-30T19:18:00.000+07:00

Waiting ...

Nothing to do ...

Alone ...

It sucks!

But I guess there are many people feel those at a time.
Have you ever thinking of being somebody else? Well, I have.
But now not anymore. I really like myself and what I'm doing -- Though maybe for some people it seems like I "have no life". But what the hell with what they're thinking. I'm the one who knows well what my life is ;)

I enjoy every single moment of my life. Every single hour, minute, even second. Being single, had relationships, back to single. Being a jobless, have a work, loosing work, searching again. Have good times, bad times, happy times, sad times. Have sooooo many friends, a few friends, even no friends at all when you need them most. I enjoy them very well. And I could raise my smile through them all :) Do you think what I'm enjoying are crazy? Well ...

When those things happens, you could feel happy, sad, greatful, even dissapointed. But I learn something.

When you deal with every single thing in your life with smile, believing that everything will be fine, then everything will be very beautiful eventually. Some addings ... You have no headache, no stress and who knows ... Someone will feel very blessed from your little smile :)

Sometimes rain is romantic ... But when rainbow comes, everything will be sooooo romantic ;)

They Said ...

2007-01-30T19:14:00.000+07:00

They said …
That when you feel the beauty of love
You’ll feel like you’re the happiest person on earth;

They said …
That when you really really fall in love with someone
You have to prepare for the worst, loosing your beloved one;

But what they haven’t said…

When you fall in love with someone,
You’re gonna be the blindest person on earth;

When you should prepare for the worst,
You’ll never do it, coz you’ve already blinded by love
And believe that it would last forever;

When your beloved one walk away from your life,
It’s just the matter of time, coz there’s nothing eternal…

Lonely??? Hope not :)

2007-01-30T19:06:00.000+07:00

Lonely …
It’s the worst thing ever!!!!

You feel empty;
You don’t know what you’re gonna do;
Then you feel lost;
You feel totally alone.

Have you ever through a moment where …
When you need a walk,
There’s no one could accompany you;
When you need to talk,
There’s no one you could call;
When you seek for a shoulder to lean on,
There’s no one around you;
When you feel you can’t handle it alone,
No one cares.

But hey …
That’s life.
Not in every moment that someone will be there for you,
Coz everybody has their own life.
So, you have to be strong.
You just have to!!!

Believe in yourself.
Believe that you could survive.
The power of believing is the greatest thing of all.
And just believe in one thing for sure…
Believe in GOD
Coz He’s the one that never ever leave you,
Not even for a single second.

So do you now believe that you’re not alone like what you feel?

I've Lost But I Found :)

2007-01-30T18:56:00.000+07:00

I’ve lost my childhood,
Grew up as an ordinary child
In a complicated world
A world beyond a child’s naïve thoughts.
I’ve lost my teen age.
I through it all
without realizing that the time goes fast…
Very fast…

I’ve lost a figure
Who should love me
Who should protect me
Who should embrace me

But in the end…
I’ve found that as a child,
I was blessed with the maturity of thoughts that no one in my age would have.
I’ve found that as a teenager,
I was blessed with surrounding that made me feel complete in the middle of time.
I’ve found that when I lost that figure,
I am blessed with so many other figures that full me with love, protections and embraces…

I see now …
When you loose something …
It’s not that you loose everything.
Something else will replace it.
Something is the best for you.
Well, I think, I don’t really loose a thing, do I? :)

Missing The Old Days

2007-01-29T19:13:00.000+07:00

Well, I'm kinda bored with stuffs. Really sucks, but hey, that's life !!! Kinda miss my friends. Nope. Really really miss them ... a lot !!!! 'Coz when you feel alone, one thing that could make you smile is those memories with everyone you love. And one of that will be your friends :) At least, that what I feel ...

Talking 'bout great memories with friends ... Let me think. High school was nice. But the greatest was my university memories !!! Laughing together, hang out, did crazy things, fighting, and so many many things. Yup ... Miss that all things.

Why do I share these with you? Coz I want you all to feel and believe that friends could make you laugh or cry. Could make you smile or angry. But above all of that, friends could fill your days with soooo many colours !!! Really hard to find new friends, but sooo easy to loose them. So, be nice to all, so that all gonna be nice to you.

I thank God above for blessing me with many friends in my life. And hope He always blesses me with so many good things in my whole life :)