How???

"Water From The Moon"

I've looked everywhere I can
Just to find a clue
Oh to get to you
And make you want me

And I've run circles around the sun
Chasin' after you
Oh but it's no use
Can't you see that I'm going out of my mind
Trying to find a way to get through to you
Oh you don't know how hard I try
And I try and I try
What do I gotta do

Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon

I've reached high up in the sky
Tryin' to steal the stars
Oh to win your heart
But even that's not enough
And I've searched every book I know
Just to find the words
Oh to touch your world and get some love out of you
I've already given all I can give
And I don't know what's left to try
And I try and I try
What do I gotta do

Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon

Love me, how do I make you love me
How do I make you see that I'm going out of my mind

[Solo]I try, and I try, and I try

Do I gotta get water from the moon
Is that what I gotta do
To make you love me
Do I gotta turn the sand into the sea
Is that what you want from me
I've done everything that I can do
But get water from the moon

-Celine Dion-

How can I get through to your heart and soul?

Gosh ...

ALL MY LIFE

I will never find another lover sweeter than you,
Sweeter than you
And I will never find another lover more precious than you
More precious than you
Boy you are close to me you're like my mother,
Close to me you're like my father,
Close to me you're like my sister,
Close to me you're like my brother
You are the only one my everything and for you this song I sing

And all my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

I said you're all that I'm thinking of.....baby

Said, I promise to never fall in love with a stranger,
You're all I'm thinking of, I praise the Lord above,
For sending me your love,
I cherish every hug,
I really love you

And all my life, baby, baby,
I've prayed for someone like you,
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you, baby
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do, love me

You're all that I ever known, when you smile, on my face, all I see is a glow.
You turned my life around, you picked me up when I was down,
You're all that I ever known, when you smile on your face all I see is a glow,
You picked me up when I was down
You're all that I ever known, when you smile on your face all I see is a glow,
You picked me up when I was down and I hope that you feel the same way too,
Yes I pray that you do love me too

All my life, I've prayed for someone like you,
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

-K-Ci & Jojo-


Wish I could sing this song for you.
Coz honestly ... When I prayed to God to send me someone, He sent you.

I never regret that I've met you.
But I'm unable to stay, unwilling to leave.

Gosh, it really bumped me when you said that we're just best best best best best friends.
When you saw me smile, my heart cried.
When I said it's okay, it wasn't okay.
When you prayed for a better man for me, it's defenetely killing me, coz the one that my heart choose right now was sitting right in front of me.

But one thing for sure.
I already made every single effort I could, just to show and convince you that I love you and everything's gonna be okay if you brave enough to move forward with me.
I will not regret it in the end and you don't have to feel sorry for me.
Coz like I've said, I'm very blessed that I've known you, even just for a moment :)
Really, I do ...

I want to tell you this.
I'm not a person who's afraid of a commitment when I trust my heart, even though my love stories never worked out.
But I'm a person who always feels insecure to give my heart to someone else that easily.
And now ... I already give my whole heart to you ...

I'm So Sorry

Yesterday he said to me that he doesn’t want any relationship with me besides being best friends or brother/sister.
And the reason was precisely as the reason I’ve heard 14 years ago;

I have a friend. He was a friend when I was in elementary school but we became closer since we were in junior high school. So it’s like 14 years ago.
Don’t have to tell how we’ve became closer, but it was funny if I may say.
We caught movies together, were eating out together, and met each other after school.
I had a crush on him after 1 year I known him.
Hahaha … Teenagers!!!
But we had no special relationship besides best friends.
And I hid what I’ve felt inside for years.

Five years later, I had my first relationship.
I had a boyfriend, someone who filled my days.
I always ran to my best friend every time my boyfriend and I had a fight, told him when I had my first kiss, shared him almost everything.
I often asked for his advice since “men are from Mars and women are from Venus.”
He was my ear, my shoulder.
But everything’s changed after I introduced him to my boyfriend.
My boyfriend forbids me to have any contact with him.
I couldn’t understand why.
He was only a best friend, not more than that.
And he had no right to separate me from my best friend, someone I’ve known well, years before I met him.
I kept calling him and hanged out with him behind my boyfriend’s back.
I thought his demanding was insane.
I believe that best friends will remains best friends ‘till the world ends.
And I never told them both for what I did.

Months later, he told me that he had a girlfriend.
I was very happy for him. Really, I was!!!
Finally he found his dream girl.
But what happened next?
He never called me, and we never hanged out since then.
I never got the answer why he changed after he had this relationship with her.

Then, one day, I broke up.
Weeks after that, this best friend of mine called me.
He told me that he broke up with his girlfriend.
So, we had a little chit-chat.
We were talking about the old days, when we were still young and know nothing.
At that time I told him that I had a crushed on him long long ago.
He was laughing and told me that he felt the same way like I did, even stronger, for years.
I asked him, why he didn’t try to have a serious relationship, as boy/girlfriend, with me?
What I had on my thoughts at that moment was he was too afraid if I rejected him, or some stuffs like that.
But this was what he said:

One thing that feared him most was loosing me. He was scared, if he had this relationship, we couldn’t stay the same if something bad happened, like broke up, for example. He believed that best friends are forever. But relationships could end, and if it happens, you’ll find someone else to replace the blank spot.

I nodded, agreeing what he said.
It made sense, what he said.

I asked him another question; why was he avoiding me after he had relationship with his ex-girlfriend.
And what was the answer?
His ex-girlfriend couldn’t accept our relationship as best friends. She was afraid if I took him from her. She didn’t want to share him with me.

At that time, I felt like I was slapped.
Eventually I could understand how it feels.
I knew what my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend felt.
If I were her, I would feel the same.
It’s not because we were best friends.
It was because I’m a woman and he’s a man.
Our history as best friends didn’t matter.
But our closeness was their threatened.
Of course they didn’t want to share us with opposite sexes whoever it is.
Of course they got scared if we could’ve something more behind the word of “friendships”.
Gosh, why was I so stupid?

Everything’s changed between me and him.
It was not because of the chit-chat.
But more than that, it opened our eyes, that when we choose our path, our life, our love, it wouldn’t be the same, even if we want it so bad.
Best friend relationships between a woman and a man could never be pure.
There should be love in it.
Or even though it could be pure, in the end it couldn’t be like it used to. In other words, it couldn’t last forever.
In my heart, he’s still my best friend.
But I can’t have him like 14 years ago, and so does he.
The bottom line is “loosing” is what we get at the end.


What a same bullshit reason what I’ve just heard!!!
But I couldn’t say a word besides pretending to agree.
I was totally speechless.
Deep in my heart, I don’t want to loose him.
Not after what I’ve lost back then.
Love is something that you have to feel, something that you should realize by yourself, something that you should fight for.
But it’s not something you could force to others.
That’s why I pretend to agree and understand what he wants even though this heart screams.
I still don’t want to take the risk of loosing him, not even a second, even though I know that sooner or later I have to let him go, no matter how.
Not yet ...
If I have to remain silent, I’ll do it.
Just don’t take him away from me so soon, GOD.
I still want to have him a little bit longer, please...



So if you read this, please don’t hate me.
Maybe I’m trying what you often do.
Let God’s hands works, and wait for what He’ll give.
And maybe I’m trying to find my way out from this “you-may-call-it-anything status”.
I know that you often loose your best friends.
I really do understand how it feels.
Coz I’ve lost more than you do.
I don’t have strength to leave you, especially not after we made that promise.
Believe me, I don’t ever want to break that promise we’ve made.
Gosh, I really don’t wanna loose you.
The thoughts of loosing you make me mad.
I try so hard not to think about it like you always said.
Hell it keeps coming to me everyday.

I know from the very beginning that it couldn’t be pure, friendships between you and me.
I let you walk into my heart deeper than I want to.
I need some time to figure out how to kill what I feel.
I know that you never say that it was stupid, for what I feel.
But it’s stupid indeed.

I don’t want to live in a world of lie.
But I can’t say more than “I care about you”.
Why? Because I don’t want to face the fact if you’ll walk out of my life after I say “I love you”.
You’re not just a best friend.
And you’re not just a brother to me.
You’re more than that.
I love you as a man.
“If loving you with all my heart is crime, then I’m guilty.”

Please understand that it tortures me every time you say that I’m your best friend.
I can’t through a time when I have to back off; fight alone when I need you most if someday you have someone by your side.
I also can’t through a time when I have to neglect you, can’t be there for you when you need me if someday there’s someone else by my side.
Maybe you haven’t through it all yet.
That’s one reason why I keep silent.
Coz there’s so many beautiful things right there in front of you.
I just don’t wanna be selfish by not letting you see this whole world.
I have to do that unless I want to see you regret it all one day.
And God knows how I don’t want to see you that way.
But trust me. There will come a time when you have to sacrifice something you’ve got, even your own best friends, just to prove how much you love the one you choose.

I’ve been there several times.
I can’t and don’t want to through it all with you. God please … Not you! I don’t want to through that time, when I have to face you or me who’ll be the first one to walk away, whether we want it or not.
That’s one of the answers why it’s easy for me to cry when night comes, when I think about you, about us.
And that’s one of the answers why I always try to record every single thing in my mind every time we’ve met.
That’s also one of the reasons why I can’t see you right through your eyes and often become speechless. I just want to feel you in my soul if someday I can’t have you right by my side. My heart speaks louder. If you noticed, you could see that from my eyes.

But like what you’ve said, if it really happens then maybe this is the best for us.
(You know what? I always scared when you say that, coz I never ever want to loose you… And how you’ll know that this is the best if we don’t try it at all and leave it to God instead? Why you don’t try to give us a chance before we leave it to God? Is it because I’m not worth enough for you? Or is it because you don’t feel the same way like I do? Please give me the answer!)

When I said that you’re so precious to me, I do mean it.
I never lie that you’re the greatest gift that God sends to me.

One thing I don’t ever want to do is to hurt you.
I’ll try my best not to loose or leave you.

But if, only if, in the time you read this everything’s has changed, I’m really sorry coz I don’t have courage yet to share this with you before it happens.
And I do that for one and only reason …

Try to stay and to be a truly best friend for you ‘till that day comes just like you want me to.

This Is The Day...

I can't push myself anymore for that man.
Coz everyday this feeling for "the new comer" grows more and more.
Almost everyday I dream of him.
I'm scared of falling in love, actually.
But he makes me comfortable.
He makes me feel good for what I feel.


Wish this song will come true.


DREAMING OF YOU

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

Cuz I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you (Yes, I do)

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Ahhh...
I can't stop dreaming of you
Ahhh...
I can't stop dreamin

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
And said, "I love you; I love you too"
Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Till tomorrow, and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming with you endlessly...

-Selena-


Just yesterday morning I had a thought to let him go.
I can't fight this feeling anymore.
He always sees me as his bestfriend, as his sister.
I can't do this anymore.
Pretending that I'm okay with it.
And one way I have to do that is kill what I feel by get out from his life.
It's gonna be hard.
Coz I already depend on him; feeling, needing, habits, all that stuffs.

Someday, he'll found out my blog.
I promise myself to tell him someday.

And if that day comes, maybe he's already with another girl.
Maybe I'm already with another man.
Maybe we're belong together.
Or maybe we just have to be away from each other with no particular reason.
I don't know either.
But until that day comes, this is what I want to tell him:

Right now, right at this moment as I write this, I'm really falling in love with you.
You make me feel alive, feel blessed, feel what I haven't feel for years.
I thank GOD Above coz He sends you into my life.
You're the greatest gift for me.
Eventhough maybe you don't have the same feeling like I do, I never regret it.
For I feel very fortune to have you even just for a glimpse.

"I LOVE YOU, Sayangkuw...
Thank you for every moments we've shared, and wonderful memories you've gave me :) "

What Happened To February?

February …
Never been my month.
February should be beautiful with Valentine’s inside.
But nope, it never has been my month.

This was what happened as far as I remember.

I had two relationships before.
And both ended on late February, 1999 and 2003.
What a coincidence!!!

February 2000
A friend of mine had a huge fight with her boyfriend.
She was beating by him.
I wasn’t thinking at all. I ran and hugged her, hoped that he stopped with what he did.
But what happened next?
He beat me with a mug, -- A MUG! -- right to my head and my back until a friend saved us.
He dragged him outside.

February 2001.
This month was the “darkest” February I had.
For the first time in my entire life, I had a “down to earth” GPA, which also means that I had to graduate 1 year after my classmates.
Did it break my heart? Indeed!!!!

February 2002.
The first year I could drive my own car, a year after I had my license.
Six days after my first day of driving, there was something wrong with the oil indicator on my way to campus.
So I stopped my car on the side of the high way.
I let the key inside while the engine was off, and I closed the door.
You could guess the rest, right?
Yup… It got locked from inside!!!
So, everybody was helping me to open the door.
On my way home – still in the same day – I took the high way.
It was late at night (coz I fell asleep at a friend’s place) and it was raining so hard.
Suddenly … My wipers fell!!!! They fell!!!! Out of the blue!
I got home without wipers, in the middle of heavy rain, almost in the middle of the night, in my first week of driving.

Talking about the 14th February.

I never had a valentine’s day with a special person in my life.
Well, I had once actually, years ago.
But still, it was out of my expectation.

Let’s see …

I had a white valentine with my best friends like 3 years ago.
But I guess I was disappointing them.
My uncle’s engagement held exactly on the same eve.
So, it was late at night when I met them.
I could never forget their tired eyes for waiting.
And it hurt me.

I had a black valentine last year with the g-V team.
It was excellent if I may say.
With romantic dinner (was it?) and a rose for each lady.
I was starting to believe that February is at least not awful like before.

This year …
I had a wish on 14 February.
But it didn’t work.
So, I cried all night long.
No, it wasn’t because of my stupid, unlucky wish.
But it was because I missed him so bad.
I don’t deny that he’s always there for me.
He’s trying so hard to be there for me.
I know it and I thank him for that.
But what I missed was the moments that we’ve shared.
When we were hanging out, talked for hours in the middle of the night, all that stuffs.
I know it’s so hard to do.
Coz his world is way different than mine now.
I don’t blame him at all.
I blame myself for my “unrealistic” demanding, for my stupid feeling of missing.

But I’m not the one who feels awful this year.
My mobile rang with 2 text messages inside.
And they were from my best friends.
So, the conclusion was the three of us had a “dark” val’s day.
“One for all and all for one”, huh?

Well, I have one more expectation on this February.
Will it become true?
Will this February become my month?
Let’s wait and see …

Lost In The Middle of Nowhere

I've known him almost 1 year ago.
He's a very nice man.
He sends me text messages and mails everyday just to know me better.

About 6 months after we've known each other, he told me that he loves me.
I couldn't say that I love him, coz I haven't feel that way.
But he was very patient.
He tells me that he loves me everyday and never expect me to say the same thing like he did.
So, one day, when I thought maybe I had to give him a chance, I said to him, "I love you too."
But after I said that, I felt that it was wrong.
But it was already out of my mouth.
I have to take responsibillity to what I've said.

I pushed myself.
I've tried my best to open my heart, to accept his love, and to love him.
But the more I pushed it, the more I got heartache.
I couldn't love him.
I couldn't give him my heart like what he did.
I've lied to myself, and to him.
It's killing me.

"It's better to be loved by someone than to loving someone."
Bullshit!!!
It hurts when you couldn't repay what others give to you.

I pray to God, to lead me the way.
If he's the one, please guide me and grow that love inside me.
Just don't let me hurt him.
Coz he's such a nice guy.

Months after that, I met this man.
Never expect that it turns this way.
I fall in love with him after I've known him for a while.
It hurts me indeed everytime he's saying that I'm not more than just a best friend to him.
But at least, I don't have to lie to myself.

Each day, my love for this new comer is getting stronger.
I miss him more often.
I dream about him almost every night.
I think of him almost every minutes.

But I don't have enough strength to tell them both the truth.

Gosh, I'm lost in the middle of nowhere :(

Little Black Bird's Story

A little black bird finally could let herself out of the cage.
She flew so high and saw that the world is much bigger and beautiful than what she saw from the little cage.
She met lot of kind of birds and some of them made friends with her.
They played and sang songs together, shared their experiences, and did other things with laughter.
She felt very happy and reborn since she was alone in the cage with no friends at all but the wind.

But then everything was changed.
For they were not from the same kind, other birds often had to leave her to do routine which their kind had to do daily.
This thing was out of her league. She never thought that she could feel much lonely than before. She felt all alone and neglected.
So this little black bird cried and started to think…

‘I’m starting to feel dead inside, when I thought that my life becomes more colorful.
When I thought I’m re-alive, I have to face that it’s only for a glimpse.
It’s no one fault for they come and go.
It’s just me …

‘Those which I’ve been avoiding, they start to embrace me again, as if they are my eternity friends; loneliness, being abandoned, sadness, anger.
What if everybody feel sorry for me?
I don’t want anyone to look at me with pity stare. Duh, I’m not retarded!!!!
Even though I know that maybe, – S***, do I have to say this one too? – I’m pathetic enough.

‘No, no, no…
I used to be alone.
I used to have no one when I need them most.
I never drop tears for years.
It wasn’t great indeed, but that was my very own world. (I had to get used to it if I wanted to survive, though I had to repay it with a cold, numb heart. Hey, I have no one to talk to in that cage. So I need no heart, huh?)

‘If I could through it all back then, then I’m surely can get over it now.
Even though you have to shut yourself from their world?
Hahaha … Why not??? It’s not my world from the first place. And it could never be my world.
So, do you think you have to get back to your “tremendous” world?
Well, if that’s what it takes?'

An eagle stopped by and greeted her gently, “Hallo, Little Birdie. Are you okay? You seem unhappy. What happened to you?”
And she answered with wide smile, “Nope, I’m fine; never been fine. I have to go now. Take care, My Dear Friend…”
Then she flew far far away to get back to her master and to her old cage where she belonged.

My Flesh And Blood

He left when I was too young to understand.
I wasn’t just disappointed, but also hated him.
Since he left,
I made a promise to myself not to let him walk into my life again, ever.

I never felt “different” although I maybe was.
I never regret for I was born in this “wacky” world.
I never envy those who have “complete” life.
Coz I’m blessed with angels beside me.

I knew that she fight so hard to conquer the world for us.
I knew that she hide all the sadness and suffer behind her smile and anger.
I knew that sometimes she cry at night and pray to GOD to hang on.
I knew that she often feel alone when she needs someone beside her.
I knew that she always be my hero …

When I look at the other side, there’s this young angel of mine.
I knew behind her cold attitude,
She always stands up for me no matter what.
She always thinks of me wherever she goes.
And I love her for that …

After being separated for over a decade, eventually I’ve met my guardian.
On his journey,
He guards me from far away.
He sends me his love so I could be strong and feel the power of hope.
And I feel very alive since he found his way home.

Now I’ve broke my promise.
I‘ve forgive him who left me.
I knew deep in his heart he feels tortured.
His eyes can’t lie that he cares about me.
I knew that wrinkle hands of him are longing to hug me.
And finally I realized that I’ve hated him coz I love him so much.

Maybe I could never say this to them.
But I’ll always love them with all my heart,
And I’ll protect them with my soul.

Thank you GOD for sending me into this world
And having them as my flesh and blood …

Blue

Feel so blue.
I know that he knew what I feel about him.
But deep in my heart I also realize that there's a border between us.
I hate it !!!!
Please GOD, give me a clue.
If he's not for me, don't make me love him.
Just shut my heart, and please don't let me down.

When he was sitting right next to me, all I wanna do is holding him tight.
But I can't do that.
I shouldn't do that.
This heart is missing him so badly.
Almost in every breath of mine I long for him.
It should be beautiful.
But shoot ...
It's torturing me.

"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them."

Speechless

SANG DEWI

Walaupun jiwaku pernah terluka
Hingga nyaris bunuh diri
Wanita mana yang sanggup hidup sendiri
Di dunia ini

Walaupun t'lah kututup mata hati
Begitupun telingaku
Namun bila dikala cinta memanggilmu
Dengarlah ini

Walaupun dirimu tak bersayap
Ku akan percaya
Kau mampu terbang bawa diriku
Tanpa takut dan ragu

Walaupun mulutku pernah bersumpah
Tak sudi lagi jatuh cinta
Wanita seperti dirikupun ternyata
Mudah menyerah

Walaupun kau bukan titisan dewa
Ku takkan kecewa
Karena kau jadikanku sang dewi
Dalam taman surgawi

-Titi DJ-


Just heard this song on Winamp Player.
It reminds me of him.
Almost cry, coz I've heard nothing from him today.
Gosh ...
I miss him sooo bad :(

Have nothing else to say.
I'm speechless ....
My heart long for him, but my pride holds me back.
Which one will win this battle?
We'll see ...